2009

Midnight singalong flowchart

12/31/09 17:38

New Years Resolution Generator

12/31/09 11:28

Chicago graphic designer Monina Velarde has a cool widget on her site -- an automatic New Years Resolution Generator. Can’t decide on a goal for 2010? Let the widget decide for you! Our personal choice:

resolutiongen

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We've been dissed by Captcha!

12/30/09 23:24

We forgot one of our numerous website passwords yestrday. After one too many tries at the login box, we were punished for our poor recall skills by having to not only remember the correct password, but also prove we were a Real Human Being by copying a two-word phrase into one of those annoying little boxes called a Captcha.

The most memorable part of the incident was the two random words Captcha threw at us. The phrase was so arresting we actually took a quick screenshot to preserve it for future generations:

captcha2

At first, we weren’t sure the second word was what it appeared to be, so we looked it up. Yup -- “coifed” is actually a proper variant spelling of the word “coiffed.” So, apparently Captcha has been peeking thru the webcam and doesn’t care for our hairstyle.

“Manson coifed” joins a growing collection of bizarre Captcha phrases we’ve encountered, including “poison trained,” “mostly Godhood,” and the vaguely inappropriate “Shanghai tween.” We’ve also been served a host of great rock band names like “archers mood,” “Action horde,” “towing vertigo,” and our all time favorite, “strategic jimmies.” That last one is so good we almost wish we’d stuck with those guitar lessons when we were younger.

If you’re in the market for a cool pornstar name or something catchy to call your new Death Metal combo, Captcha may be the Muse you’ve been looking for.

More Captcha oddities here.

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Apple Tablet emits deafening buzz

12/30/09 13:56

Martin Peers of the Wall Street Journal joins the frenzied chorus by weighing in on the still-mythical Apple tablet computer: “Last time there was this much excitement about a tablet, it had some commandments written on it.”

(A good line, though not quite accurate, Biblically speaking. Israel was taken completely by surprise when Moses hosted the original tablet launch back in Exodus 32. )

Cupertino is famously no-comment on unannounced products. But to modify Peers’ analogy, we haven’t seen this much press talk about a new gizmo since just before the official announcement of the iPhone -- and we all remember how that one turned out.

It’s been almost comical to read gossipy reports that an unreleased, unannounced product has been “delayed.” And those like Peers who caution that the price of the tablet is too high -- before either the tablet or its price are actually announced -- are engaging in speculation of the most idle sort. Still, a guy’s gottta fill them column inches somehow.

Our bloated-from-the-holidays gut tells us there’s almost certainly something to all the rumors, though exactly what may come from Apple next month is impossible to know at this point. But that won’t stop the rumor mongers from mongering. (Or us for tsk-tsking them about it.) Enjoy the show, and we’ll see what pops up at Yerba Buena during the last week of January.

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Mac goes gangsta

12/30/09 08:14

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Apple prototype spotted in the wild?

12/27/09 01:06

One of the MacInquirer’s oldest friends in the tech industry lives in Los Gatos, California, just around the corner from Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak. Our friend, who we’ll refer to as Keyser, tells us that the Woz is infamous around the neighborhood for strolling out to the paper box butt-nekkid to pick up his copy of the Weekly-Times. While this may be a disturbing revelation for some, we tend to think the contributions Woz has made to both modern computing and televised celebrity dance-offs have earned him the right to get away with just about anything.

Keyser recently sent us an iPhone snapshot of Woz on his morning stroll. Below is an enlargement of the relevant portion of the photo:

bigfoot1

At first, we thought of this as a mildly amusing bit of tabloid folderol. But when we ran the pic through our trusty copy of Genuine Fractals 6, we got a surprising bonus:

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Yes, ladies and germs, we have what appears to be the first verifiable example of the upcoming Apple Tablet outside the Cupertino skunkworks:

BIGFOOT3

Word to the wise to customers waiting in line at the Los Gatos Apple Store this March: don’t feel the need to let Woz cut in line for Tablet #1. He’ll have already had one for weeks.

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Five Most Awesome Christmas Cards

12/24/09 22:44

Five of our favorite “it’s so wrong but it’s so right” Christmas card designs.

1, Never order Christmas cards while doing mushrooms:

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2. From the 1974 TV classic “Sly & The Family Stone’s Zombie Christmas”:

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3. Mathias gets fourth billing on his first Christmas card.

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4. The Christmas that Bob first got the gift of Enzyte:

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5. Never order Christmas cards while your dog is doing mushrooms:

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But seriously, folks...

12/24/09 22:05

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Obligatory Christmas Parody Time!

12/23/09 21:55

Every Who down in Tech-ville liked Christmas a lot
But the Microsoft Grinch up in Redmond did not
The Grinch was enduring a down Christmas season
A painful recession was part of the reason
But the real hitch that made Micro-Christmas a loser
Was their new OS upgrade -- a bit of a snoozer

The fancy new package was called Windows 7
A quick fix for Vista -- which stank to high heaven
The happy ads tried hard to make it inviting
The truth? Windows 7 was not that exciting
Despite the best efforts of Redmond’s sales elves
The new Windows sat gath’ring dust on the shelves.

The Grinch didn’t like where the market was heading
He said “I must keep Windows 7 a-spreading!”
So he whipped up a Santy Claus hat and a suit
Which gave him the look of an over-ripe fruit
He rode through Tech-ville in a ramshackle sleigh
Shouting “New Windows 7! Come upgrade today!”

But the Tech Whos ignored him...their tongues were a-clucking
“Apple’s the way to keep Christmas from sucking!”
They bought Macs and iPhones and iPods galore
While Zunes went unsold at the Microsoft Store.

The Tech-Whos chose Apple as their new OS
So Ballmer-Claus turned and slunk back to his nest
But he hissed as he slunk: “This ain’t over, my friend...
“Windows 8 coming in Two Thousand Ten!”

Welcome Tech-mas...bring new gear
Macs for tech heads far and near
Apple’s share is rising fast...
For Microsoft is still half-assed.

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@The Movies: Avatar

12/20/09 23:58

The new CGI technology James Cameron created to make his long-awaited and much-hyped followup to “Titanic” may turn out to be a better monument to Cameron’s genius than the actual film itself. “Avatar” plays like a three-hour full-motion Keynote presentation on climate change where the happy ending is Al Gore actually turning into a tree.

We think we liked the plot better the first time, when it was called “Dances With Wolves.” Instead of Kevin Costner going Native American, “Avatar” gives us Sam Worthington becoming a ten-foot warrior Smurf. Though the effects in the 3-D version veer into “Dr. Tongue from SCTV” territory a bit too often, the visuals are undeniably stunning, and interact surprisingly seamlessly with the live action. But that’s where the good news ends.

The four-star feast for the eyes is driven by a surprisingly pedestrian script that hugs every shrub on planet Pandora and telegraphs every major plot development at least ten minutes early. The dialogue is full of ham-fisted howlers apparently intended to evoke parallels to America’s recent exploits abroad-- for example, “When people are sitting on top of something you want, you make them your enemy and take it!” The nod to the “blood for oil” school of political thought couldn’t be more obvious if Giovanni Ribisi had turned to the camera and twirled the corner of a handlebar mustache like some sci-fi Snidely Whiplash. (Speaking of howlers, the alien mineral at the heart of the plot is called -- we kid you not -- “Unobtanium.” After twelve years, this is the best Cameron can come up with?)

The real problem with the movie is that while the cartoons act like real people, the real people act like cartoons. Except for Worthington and his inner circle of high-tech fellow travelers, there’s nary a sympathetic human character to be found here. The bad guys are either heartless corporate tools or heavily armed Halo lookalikes as clueless as they are bloodthirsty. How could the only actual three-dimensional players in the movie end up so...one-dimensional?

If this puppy were a beer commercial, the tagline would be “Looks great -- less filling.”

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Twitter hacked!

12/18/09 12:31

A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army has reportedly pulled off a high-level hack attack on Twitter.com. Twitter’s DNS servers were apparently compromised, at least for a few minutes last night. Tweetophiles who visited the site were greeted by this unexpected Fail Whale splash graphic:

Twitterhacked

The bottom of the page displayed the following message, written in some sort of YouTube-comments-section version of English:

U.S.A. Think They Controlling And Managing Internet By Their Access, But THey Don’t, We Control And Manage Internet By Our Power, So Do Not Try To Stimulation Iranian Peoples To….
NOW WHICH COUNTRY IN EMBARGO LIST? IRAN? USA? WE PUSH THEM IN EMBARGO LIST ;) Take Care.

“Take care?” What kind of taunt is that? And a winky emoticon? Really? If the idea was to strike fear in the hearts of infidels, this one appears to be less than a grand slam.

There’s apparently a good bit of pre-existing bad blood between the Iranian Cyber Army and Twitter. The messaging site was a key tool used by dissidents in Iran during their protests of the recent Iranian elections. The US government intervened to make sure protesters had uninterrupted Twitter access to get the word out to the world about the protests. Last night’s attack may be a bit of payback.

Word to the wise: change your Twitter password. And if you use the same password for every site you visit, it might be time to think about changing those logins too.

More on this story as it develops.

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Tablet concept vid revealed

12/17/09 17:19

An intriguing concept video of a proposed tablet magazine interface. Not a complete home run, but it’s intriguing nonetheless. We’re not sure why they hired that McHale guy from “The Soup” to do the demo. (He does a surprisingly convincing Anglo-Deutsche accent, but the beard has got to go.)

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Geexmas Gift: Wrath of Zbornak

12/15/09 22:23

Got someone on your list who’s a fan of classic 80s TV? Here’s a real trip down memory lane: The Golden Girls Dorothy Zbornak Talking Bobblehead:

khambobblehead

Despite its budget price, the figure is an almost perfect likeness of the legendary Bea Arthur, though the digitized quotes strike us as a tad obscure. We couldn’t remember the exact episode where Dorothy says “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee! For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee!” But it certainly does sound like something she would say.

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Geexmas Gift: Metal-Detecting Sandals

12/15/09 21:15

You love the idea of finding buried treasure while strolling along your favorite windswept beach. But carrying a full-size metal detector makes you look less like dashing Captain Jack Sparrow and more like crazy Grandpa Henry. Hammacher Schlemmer to the rescue, with a pair of Metal Detecting Sandals. “Pair” is actually the wrong word, since only the right sandal actually has the built-in copper coil that uses something called “beat frequency oscillation technology.” The ankle-worn 9-volt battery pack actually gives you a third look -- Recently Released Inmate With Electronic Monitoring Bracelet. Which should keep casual curiosity-seekers away so you don’t have to split that trunk-o-dubloons with them.

76779.preview

Fun Fact: “Beat frequency oscillation” is also the title of the upcoming Kraftwerk reunion album.

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Geexmas Gift: USB Eye Warmer

12/14/09 21:00

With a name reminiscent of three random tiles from a fridge-magnet poetry set, the USB Eye Warmer promises to “not only relax your eyes but also comfort your entire body.” A tall order for fifteen bucks. But it’s from usb.brando.com, so you know it’s quality product. Or not. The guy in the photo appears to be sleeping with his head against a plate glass window, so this one must be pretty good.

eyewarmer

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Dotcomic: Geek Like Me

12/13/09 16:13

This weeks Dotcomic originally appeared at Geek Like Me, a quality web destination that’s well worth a click or twelve.

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Keep up the good work, Vincent. Or Vin. But never Vince.

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Move over iPhone -- here comes...Coby?

12/13/09 13:57

Some friends of ours in the media lab at Charlotte Christian School were recently contracted to produce a rollout ad for the upcoming iPhone Killer from the tech wizards at Coby. You’re welcome.

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Geexmas Gifts: The Big Bang Dickey

12/12/09 16:18

Christians call it Christmastime. For our Jewish friends, it’s the season of Chanukkah. The hellbound pagans who walk among us know it as Two Weeks From This Past Friday. Whatever you call it, you’re probably gonna need a gift to give to somebody pretty soon. The MacInquirer proudly presents a collection of affordable gift ideas that your favorite technology aficionado will remember forever.

The Big Bang Dickey
All the fashion, with a quarter of the material.

dickie

CNet-looking product model aside, the dickie is a geek classic -- the perfect way to indulge your inner Howard Wolowitz -- though Howard would probably prefer more of a color selection to compliment his Skittles Rainbow fashion sense.

wolowitz2

The black version worn outside a longsleeve white crewneck creates a look that says “ Hey world -- I’m a member of the Nuke-Worshipping Mutant Cult from ‘Beneath the Planet of the Apes!” And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

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Dotcomic: It's an Ebook Christmas, Charlie Brown!

12/06/09 10:25

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Taobao rocks!

12/05/09 12:21

Taobao.com, described as China’s biggest auction/shopping website, delivered a rather disappointing sales report for iPhone this week. iLounge says that Taobao has sold a total of...five iPhones. Five. Which is a pretty sad number, considering that the site has a potential audience of a billion people.

MacInquirer’s international researchers say there are probably several reasons for the low number:

- The Chinese iPhone has the wi-fi disabled
- Cheap iPhone knockoffs are more plentiful than chopsticks
- Most Chinese citizens don’t have credit cards
- Chinese PayPal is even nosier than the American version
- The country is stretched a tad thin from buying up massive amounts of American debt
- There’s just so much stuff to choose from!

That last item may be the most pertinent theory. While Taobao’s content is a tad opaque for people who don’t speak Mandarin, the Lorem Ipsum quality of the site allows English-speaking audiences to ignore the marketing copy and focus on the thousands of truly remarkable products being offered. Some of our favorites:

minishovel

The lockable corkscrew/mini-shovel: Appears to require either C or D batteries, so it may have some sort of sexual function as well.

producttrio

1. Santa Elvis Stick-On Sideburns. 2. Self-Powered Pressure Washer. 3. In-Car Magnetic Shelf, perfect for holding a recently-dunked iPhone knockoff and a blinged-out pack of NASCAR cigarettes.

meltyjeans

A Lee Jeans promotion whose point is apparently meaningless to Occidental eyes.

ituneschina

And here’s a rare peek at the splash page for Taobao’s knockoff of the iTunes store. Top seller is “Visitors From The Sui Dynasty,” which appears to be some sort of mashup of “Harold & Kumar,” “Honey I Shrunk the KIds,” “Wall-E,” and a Tyler Perry movie where Medea becomes a Pentecostal minister.

Given such formidable competition, five iPhones starts to look pretty good.

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Tiger's Xmas

12/03/09 22:16

Just got our first greeting card of the season from some old and dear friends. Merry Christmas, you crazy kids...

tigerxmas

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LEGO saves marriages!

11/29/09 23:41

Mrs. MacInquirer recently peeped over our shoulder and said “What in the world are you doing -- and why?” When we tried to explain the site’s mission statement, she just got That Look On Her Face and walked sadly away.

But thanks to the tireless efforts of Trevor Boyd and Steve Ilett, who spent 440 hours working on the following video, our vital work is being seen in a whole new light around MacInquirer World HQ. Namaste, gentlemen.

All kidding aside, it really is an insanely great vid. More info and a side-by-side comparison with the original film sequence available here.

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Dotcomic: Technological Basterds

11/28/09 08:58

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Tablet doomed!

11/28/09 08:00

Scott Moritz of TheStreet.com delivers an early Christmas present: a hilarious piece on why Apple needs a new hit -- fast -- but the Mac tablet isn’t it.

We had no idea iPhone and Mac sales were cratering. Or that Apple is betting the farm on a new tablet computer. Or that Apple has even announced a tablet computer. Or that the essential yet unannounced tablet’s release date “keeps getting pushed back.” Wait -- we didn’t know any of those things because...none of them are true! Doggone you, Scott -- you got us again, you scamp!

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MS = GM?

11/27/09 23:19

Jay R. Galbraith blogged for Fortune recently about the similarities between Microsoft and General Motors. The MS/GM analogy is actually quite apt, since both companies are

- Iconic names
- Former market dominators
- Run by management teams woefully behind the curve
- Dinosaurs being supplanted by more nimble species (Toyota and Apple)
- Makers of legendary examples of bad design (Pontiac Aztek and Microsoft Bob)

The day Steve Ballmer comes to Washington hawking some “too big to fail” snake oil, the resemblance will be perfect.

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Dotcomic Preview

11/27/09 17:50

This weekend: they’re in the Windows-killin’ business. And business is good.

basterds3

The Weekend Dotcomic -- only at MacInquirer.com. Where a basterd’s work is never done.™

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Wired's poison pill for iTablet?

11/27/09 16:28

There have been tons of recent rumors about several major newspapers and publishing houses pow-wowing with Apple about bringing their publications to the as-yet mythical iTablet. Wired magazine recently added fuel to the fire with a demo of a possible tablet edition of the high-tech monthly.

Apparently, the company plans to hamstring any future iTunes-style Apple dominance of the electronic publishing biz by annoying readers so badly they’ll decide to stick with the print edition. This will be accomplished by using the world’s most annoying acid techno-drone soundtrack to accompany the interactive content:

Seriously -- what’s up with that noise?

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Keynote + iMovie = Holiday magic

11/27/09 11:43

Peter Yan creates a top-notch animated iPod holiday ad using only Keynote and iMovie. Very cool.

Find out how Peter did it here.

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Scariest Mac vid ever

11/23/09 19:40

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Dotcomic: Apple's 11

11/22/09 23:38

Danny Ocean and friends go tech shopping.

dotcomic-apples11

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The Biggest Loser: Electric Slide Edition

11/17/09 22:43

Below is an example of some recent company-mandated "fun" at the new Microsoft Store, featuring a team of badly choreographed and surprisingly puffy faux hipsters that obviously weren't hired for their ability to cut a rug. The whole thing comes off as a cross between Dance Night at the local senior center and the world's worst Johnny Rocket's, minus the food. Brace yourself -- here it comes...

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Steve Ballmer: Spokesmodel?

11/16/09 20:16

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, who recently called Apple's marketshare growth a "rounding error" in his world (and if anybody should know about that sort of thing, it'd be a Microsoft guy), has just secured yet another big, fat government contract -- as a spokesmodel:

ballmerposter

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Bob Loblaw lives

11/16/09 17:40

An example of the dangers of unproofed templates in the newspaper business...

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..which could also be a tribute to one of our all-time favorite TV character names:

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Dotcomic: Tech Fiction

11/13/09 09:36

Vince Vega and Jules Winnfield debate the Mac vs. PC issue, Tarantino-style.

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Simon Aldous = Flat Stanley

11/12/09 11:15

In a refreshing display of candor, Microsoft partner group manager Simon Aldous freely acknowledged Windows 7's debt to Mac OS X for the OS's revised look-and-feel. Microsoft wasted no time in throwing Aldous under the bus, calling his comments "inaccurate and uninformed." Aldous posted an update on his personal blog that says everyhting is "just fine" brtween him and the company, and even released a photo of himself posing beside a proof for the next MS print campaign for Windows 7:

flatstanley

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Dotcomic Preview

11/12/09 00:18

This weekend, Macinquirer goes Tarantino:

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The Weekend Dotcomic: Only on Macinquirer.com. We're tryin' Ringo. We're tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.™

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Ah -- NOW I get it!

11/10/09 08:37

The whole Social Media experience explained via a simple Venn Diagram.

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More explainers here.

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World Buzzword Record?

11/09/09 21:26

This item may be close to some kind of record for most tech buzzwords in one sentence:

Worm rickrolls unsecured jailbroken iPhones via SSH

That, friends, is just about as close to perfect as you're gonna get -- until the day YouTube spreads XML malware to the Apple Tablet via a LOLcats/Boxxy mashup vid with a Jonathan Coulton soundtrack. Well done, TUAW!

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Windows 7 -- burnin' down the house

11/09/09 19:49

The user in this Windows 7 ad from Australia may have bigger problems than spyware and malware on his PC.

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"Brianiacs?"

11/09/09 17:00

Denver, Colorado finished fifth in a recent online listing of the brainiest cities in the US. The Denver Daily News apparently celebrated by handing the story over to a headline writer from...well, let's just say somewhere way further down the list:

brianiacs-

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Dotcomic: The Big Mac Lebowski

11/06/09 08:45

Apple and Microsoft had an intriguing exchange at Tech League Bowling Night. Many White Russians died to bring us this information.

lebowski1

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Greatest dialog box ever!

11/05/09 16:27

The makers of Twitter Peek, which is already being hailed as America's least capable mobile gizmo, have just made it easier to part with your money for a device of dubious utility by introducing GetPeek for iPhone. At the crucial moment in the transaction, the app presents the greatest dialog box in tech history:

getpeek2

Okay, we made it all up. But it would be refreshing, wouldn't it?

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Steve Jobs goes back to the garage

11/05/09 14:32

From Fortune magazine's excellent gallery of rarely seen photos of Steve Jobs: In 1996, the wunderkind returns to the family garage where it all began 20 years before, and can't resist showing off the calligraphy skills he picked up at Reed College:

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Dotcomic Preview

11/05/09 13:51

Coming this weekend: Apple and Microsoft go bowling. Mayhem and White Russians ensue:

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The Weekend Dotcomic: exclusively at MacInquirer.com. You want a toe? We can get you a toe.™

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Jobs iMac codenames revealed!

11/05/09 11:36

Cutl of Mac has an interview with Ken Segall, a former creative director at TBWA/Chiat/Day, best known as Apple’s longtime advertising agency. The major focus is Segall’s claim to be the man responsible for virtually every major Macintosh marketing idea of the past decade and a half. Says Ken “I’m the author of the Think Different campaign, and the guy who came up with the whole ‘i’ thing, starting with iMac.”

It sounds a lot like a guy who’s now stuck creating web ads for Dell reliving his Glory Days, though Segall does drop the revelation that Steve Jobs originally hated the name iMac, and had a list of his own names -- which the rest of the team thought were absolute high-tech horseapples. He describes one Steve-generated name as so bad “it would curdle your blood.”

Okay -- now we’re interested.

Ken doesn’t get specific about the SteveNames, but thanks to a guy we know who used to ride-share with a chick who once dated the landscaper at One Infinite Loop, we’ve managed to track down a copy of Steverino’s original baby-name list for the iMac. With apologies to David Letterman, here they are...

Steve Jobs’ Top Ten iMac Name Suggestions Rejected By Ken Segall

10. Avatar
9. Synergy
8. MacNext
7. Rounded, Flattened Cube
6. Lisa 97
5. James Bondi
4. MobileMe
3. MacGoldblum
2. Chumby
1. iPod

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Drive your car? There's an app for that.

11/05/09 01:56

In "Tomorrow Never Dies," James Bond got out of a sticky situation by driving his car with his cell phone while hunkered down in the floorboard to avoid Kalashnikov rounds from Russian spies. (Or something. It's been a while since we've seen the movie.) Thanks to some wacky German gadget geeks at the University of Berlin, you may be able to recreate 007's amazing feat in real life using...your iPhone. The video below explains it all. Except, of course, why you'd ever want to do it.

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It tweets. And that's all.

11/05/09 01:18

First there was Peek, the handheld device that only does email. Then came Peek Pronto, the handheld that only does text messaging. Now, the single-minded gadgeteers at Peek Inc. have announced a third device called Twitter Peak, that only does...Twitter.

The gizmo lets users post 140-character bon mots to their Twitter account and find out what Ashton Kutcher had for breakfast at a moment’s notice. That’s it. No distracting email checking or phone conversations. Just...Twitter. How much would you pay for all this marginal functionality? Would you believe...a hundred bucks? That ill-spent Benjamin will also get you six months of Peek’s unlimited Tweet-anywhere mobile service. After that, it’s $7.95 a month. Or, if you’re gullible enough to pay $199, you get lifetime free Peek Tweet service! It’s not quite clear whether “lifetime” means yours or the device’s. But either way, if Twitter Peek is appealing to you, you really need to get one. A life, that is.

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Dotcomic: It's the Great Upgrade, Charlie Brown!

10/30/09 00:41

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Dotcomic: Ballmer on Today

10/25/09 23:06

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The Windows 7 Whopper?

10/23/09 13:05

Microsoft has apparently partnered with Burger King in Japan to create the most bizarre technology ad ever. Would you believe...a 7-patty Whopper?

win7whopper

Something tells us Ballmer approved this one personally.

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Windows 7 goes Kamikaze on live TV

10/23/09 12:51

A Japanese TV show rolls a live demo of Windows 7 that, to put it mildly, didn't go well. For the demo guy, this was undoubtedly the longest two-and-a-half minutes of his life.

We're relieved they didn't ask lead spokesperson Kylie to do the demo. We hate to see children cry.

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Dotcomic: Dr. House gets tech support

10/16/09 11:16

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MS retail video leaked?

10/16/09 10:36

Microsoft has been widely snickered at in Mac circles for their plans to open a chain of company-branded stores to compete with Apple’s wildly successful retail juggernaut. The prevailing take is that Microsoft’s effort is a bit like your Dad slapping on a pair of Abercrombie skinny jeans and a Kings of Leon t-shirt to prove he’s still “with it” like the cool kids. (Which is not true at all: the outfit is more like a pair of K-Mart “Faded Glory” carpenter jeans and a Larry the Cable Guy t-shirt. )

So besides gi-normous Halo clips in HD, what will customers see on those rumored 94-inch floor-to-ceiling screens at the new franchise? How about technology demo videos of upcoming MS products? Like this one, leaked from this guy that knows a dude whose sister dates a guy who used to deliver sandwiches to an ad agency that was once sorta involved with the store project:

Of course, if Ballmer & Co really wanted to encourage cutting edge innovation, they should just give a couple of these gizmos to the people who drive almost every high-tech innovation from the VCR to downloadable web video: the nation’s porno producers. Big-Ass Table? Niche product. Big Ass-Table? Now we’re talking!

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Dotcomic: 30 Rock goes PC

10/09/09 09:25

To celebrate the upcoming it's-about-frackin'-time season premiere of one of our favorite TV shows, we proudly present a lost scene from 30 Rock:

dotcomic-30rock4

Season 4 of 30 Rock (finally) begins Thursday at 9:30 on NBC. You want to go to there.

And speaking of that "whole workflow is Mac-based" thing, here's a classic Geeky Lemon moment from Season 3:

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Say hello to iPoo

10/05/09 19:18

With Apple Tablet Fever sweeping the world like a high-tech version of the H1N1 virus, the iTab is starting to look more and more like a realistic possibility. But before the device can nuke the netbooks and kill the Kindle, it will have to win over the toughest test market of all -- Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

The NY Times reports that the Cupertino skunkworks has been working on the concept of an Apple-branded tablet computer since at least 2003, but Jobs has shot down each successive incarnation by asking what they were good for besides surfing the web on the toilet. (One assumes the Steveness had a much more forceful and colorful version of that question.)

A guy who used to date a girl that once boinked a former employee of the Apple tablet team now says that, in a typical game-changing move, Apple has decided to create a family of products based on toilet web surfing. The MacInquirer is pround to present a rough cut of the introuctory video for one of the upcoming products. Say hello to iPoo:

We've never seen Bob in one of these before, but we think Apple should get him to do all their online training vids.

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Worst contest ever?

10/04/09 19:50

You guys haven't exactly been blowing our doors off in MacInquirer's first-ever funny video contest. Below is the sole entry we've received so far, from TMI forum member DocEmmettBrown. (Warning: once you see this video, it will be impossible to un-see it.):

If things don't pick up soon, we may have to rethink the whole "we'll leave the content in your capable hands" thing.

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Ballmer Edition Windows 7 unboxing

10/04/09 11:29

As a public service, the MacInquirer held our nose and signed up to host a Windows 7 Launch Party later this month. This entitled us to what we were really intererested in: the Steve Ballmer Edition of Windows 7 given to Launch Party hosts.

Our Ballmer Edition kit arrived yesterday afternoon. Here's the surprisingly understated Windows 7 disc box:

ballmerwin7-2

A look at the basic contents and documentation in the kit:

ballmerwincontents

Other Ballmer-related goodness includes a set of Ballmer flash drive cozies in assorted colors for your party guests:

ballmerflash2

We also got a five-pack of limited-edition Ballmer t-shirts -- all XXL of course:

ballmertee

And a coupon for a 6-foot Philly cheeseteak combo from our local Great Steak & Fry Company at the mall food court:

ballmerphilly

We may not actually host the party -- but the Philly was delicious.

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Dotcomic: Star Whoops

10/02/09 12:59

Act III of the original Star Wars film has a distracting detail that's always bothered us.

dotcomic-starwhoops4

0 Comments

Disturbing Google trend

10/01/09 17:20

Google reveals a search trend that doesn't bode well for the long-term survival of humankind:

Don't miss So You Think You're a Supermodel Vampire Pharmacist -- Tuesdays on FOX!

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Make funny video. Win free stuff.

10/01/09 16:25

The MacInquirer is looking for the best Mac humor video on the planet to feature on our blog. We don't have time to produce it ourselves, so we're asking for your help. If your video is the best, we’ll reward you for your efforts with some Mac software goodness in the form of a free-as-in-beer copy of iWork 09. (Because, y'know, don't you have some REAL work to do?)

Tutorial parodies, TV and movie spoofs, personal rants -- we’ll leave the content up to you. Just make it funny -- and keep it to 2 minutes or less. The exact Macintosh-relatedness of your video is something we’ll leave in your capable hands. If snarky-blog-lovin’ Mac users would find it entertaining, then that’s good enough for us.

Fire up your copy of After Effects, Motion, Final Cut or your favorite movie app and create an entertaining Macintosh-related video. Actually, you can use any hardware/software you want as long as your final product meets our Mac-friendly format guidelines.

Complete details and official rules after the jump.

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Cnet + Windows 7 = Comedy Gold

09/30/09 19:17

The fact that they actually call this a "quick tip" tells you everything you need to know about both Windows as an OS and Cnet as a reliable guide to technology. An unintentional comedy classic.

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Extreme Makeover: Snarky Blog Edition

09/29/09 19:43

Through the magic of CSS, MacInquirer just got a slightly more upscale Web 2.0 style makeover. Our new look is from Elixir Graphics, whose skinning talents are among the best in the biz. A few collagen injections in our web badges and we're all set to break hearts just like Courtney Cox on Cougar Town.

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Apple cracks the Top 20

09/28/09 06:40

Businessweek has released their annual list of the 100 Best Global Brands, and everyone’s favorite high-tech fruit company has finally cracked the top 20. Apple jumped four places to 20th in the latest report, beating out such familiar names as Pepsi, American Express, and Nike. Microsoft managed to maintain third place despite dropping four percent in the first year-on-year decline in the company’s history. The top ten global brands:

1. Coca-Cola
2. IBM
3. Microsoft
4. GE
5. Nokia
6. McDonalds
7. Google
8. Toyota
9. Intel
10. Disney

Businessweek’s bottom five brands in the global marketplace:

95. PJ Asperger’s Sports Bar
96. Peanut Eminems
97. Hannah Montana Stripper Pole Playset
98. Zune Danish Frozen Turnovers
99. Call of Diddy IV: The BET Awards
100. LiveNudeBallmer.com

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Google Voice? No. Boobies? Si!

09/28/09 06:38

Apple has approved the first porn apps for the iPhone. Grindhouse Media's free and premium versions of apps featuring clothing-optional entrepreneurs Sunny Leone and Aria Giovanni are now available for download. Says Giovanni: "I'm thrilled with my new app and can't wait for version 2.0 to hit the App Store. It's going to blow my fans away."

Suddenly, the oil-resistant coating on the iPhone 3GS screen makes a whole lot more sense.

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Dotcomic: Kylie learns to Google

09/25/09 10:01

All slide quotes actual and documented. Hello Kitty, Spongebob Squarepants, Blue's Clues, and Dora the Explorer © their respective companies. Steve Ballmer is a big sweaty idiot.

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Eminem pulls slim, shady move

09/25/09 09:33

Eminem is suing Apple. Again.

Eight Mile Style LLC, the rapper’s music publishing company, has filed suit in a Michigan court over Apple’s sales of what's described as Eminem’s "music" on iTunes. The company claims Apple never obtained proper permissions to offer the content, and is seeking damages. This despite Apple’s payment of $2.5 million in royalties, including $466,915 from “Lose Yourself,” the biggest hit from the soundtrack of the hip-hop film “8 Mile.” Eminem’s record company, Aftermath Records, is also named in the suit. Apparently, Shady's strategy is to sue everyone who's ever written him a check.

What’s Eminem thinking? There are several possibilities:

He’s afraid iTunes will hurt his overall sales. Since iTunes is the number one music retailer in the world, this is a rather idiotic assertion. Would Stephen King sue to keep his latest book off Amazon.com because it might ding his numbers at Books-A-Million?

He’s involved with some kind of dustup with Aftermath, and pulled Apple in to help his case. Dumb, but possible.

He’s opposed to iTunes on principle. It’s hard to imagine the guy who actually took money for writing “The Real Slim Shady” has any principles.

He’s hoping for a settlement that will give him a better deal with iTunes. Hmm...

He’s a money-grubbing publicity whore whose sales are slowing down and sees a chance at an easy payday. The plaintiffs are also asking for a portion of Apple’s profits from the sale of iPods So...double-hmm...

Where’s Bruno when we really need him?

0 Comments

MS announces Suckerware Parties

09/24/09 13:06

Microsoft has apparently decided that "viral marketing" means "assembling a group of demographically-balanced suburbanites to hold a high-tech Tupperware Party." The unfortunate results of the idea:

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Tivo goes gangsta

09/24/09 11:54

The conceptual geniuses who created Tivo have spent the last decade locked out of the company's strategic planning meetings. Despite the magical TV box's enthusiastic adoption by tube lovers from Oprah to the chairman of the FCC -- who famously called Tivo "God's machine" -- the corporate masters of the original DVR have allowed it to languish in the shadow of vastly inferior ripoffs pushed by America's crap-tastic cable companies.

A recently leaked mockup from an ad agency presentation suggests that Tivo may be about to raise its profile and grab some much-needed mindshare:

tivobitch

Now that's more like it. As longtime Tivo-heads, the staff of the MacInquirer applaud this "get medieval" concept, and look forward to future installments. Ad model "MC Escher" might generate more streed cred if he lost the metallic aqua Cherokee, but you know what they say about the journey of a thousand miles...

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Crappy cell phones kill

09/24/09 11:29

Five minutes of awesome: a special report on how crappy cell phones and bad mobile service can actually kill you:

One wonders how many AT&T customers have to die before the Death Star spends some of their iPhone money on upgrading their network.

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Dotcomic Bonus: Kylie's ad blooper

09/21/09 00:36

Kylie from the new Windows 7 ad hits a slight glitch:

kylie-daily

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The Pete Rose of Tech?

09/21/09 00:35

In an interview with PBS host Charlie Rose last week, Sprint CEO Dan Hesse paid what appeared to be a high compliment to the iPhone. Asked if the Palm Pre is making a dent in the mobile phone market, Hesse had this to say:

"Aaah... It's-it's doing well, but you can almost put the iPhone, to be fair, in a separate category. The Apple brand and that device have done so well, it's almost not... it's like comparing someone to Michael Jordan."

PBS sources say that in the full-length interview, Hesse offered up several other sports-related tech analogies:

"Palm had everything going for them at one time, but their crack-addled antics have sadly overshadowed their considerable talents. They're the Darryl Strawberry of the mobile industry."

"Dont get me wrong -- Google's good. But their me-first attitude and sense of entitlement makes them unpopular in the biz. They're the Kobe Bryant of Silicon Valley."

"The RIAA really screwed themselves in the public's eye when they decided to attack their own customers. They're the Ron Artest of industry interest groups."

"Windows 7 is the same old damaged goods with a fresh coat of lipstick. It's the Dennis Rodman of desktop OSes."

And our personal favorite...

"Microsoft is the Pete Rose of tech: bad business practices, bad hair."

0 Comments

Worst. Marketing. Ever.

09/20/09 14:23

For the rollout of its campaign for Windows 7, Microsoft has abandoned their "clueless would-be hipsters and cheapskates" concept and turned their marketing over to a 7-year-old girl:

CEO Steve Ballmer, clad in a sweat-stained pink "Hello Kitty" t-shirt, proudly unveiled the new ads at a special Microsoft event at a Redmond, Washington assisted living center on Friday.

UPDATE: We almost forgot to mention that the music in the ad (Europe's "The Final Countdown") is the same theme used by hapless amateur magician Gob Bluth on "Arrested Development." And the ironies just keep on comin'!

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Acronym Wars

09/20/09 10:32

Do the 30-second previews on iTunes constitute a “public performance” that entitles songwriters and composers to a royalty payment? That’s apparently the position of the Songwriters United for Knowledge of Equitable Revenue Sharing, a composers’ rights organization.

The increasing industry acceptance of this borderline-psychotic contention was revealed in a recent interview with David Rezner, CEO of Universal Music Publishing Group and co-chairman of the Department of International Companies Hailing Every Additional Dollar Source. Says Rezner: “In the US, while we do get paid a mechanical licensing fee from iTunes, we are not getting any performance income from Apple yet.”

The songwriters and music labels are hoping to promote their common interests by creating a new organization called Society of Companies United for Music Being A Generous Zone.

A spokesman for the Bureau of American Standards To Ensure Righteous Digital Sales says the trade group is lobbying Congress for the payment of performance royalties for iTunes previews, even though a 30-second snippet of a song only qualifies as a “public performance” if a consumer is streaming the previews at full volume in a Starbucks on a MacBook Pro hooked up to a Bose Wave Music System plugged in behind the frappucino machine.

So, as usual, the situation in the music business is dominated by SUKERS, DICHEADS and SCUMBAGZ, and supported by money-grubbing BASTERDS.

And yet, for some reason, everybody still says the problems faced by the industry are all Apple’s fault.

0 Comments

Dotcomic: Dick Move of the Week

09/18/09 11:50

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Update: Breathable pants?

09/18/09 00:01

An instant analysis of the MacInquirer's RSS content, courtesy of the amazing wordbots at Wordle:

tmiwordle2

We're not all that surprised to see "Apple" and "Store" at the top of the most-frequently-used words -- though it's interesting that after that it's apparently a 77-way tie between stuff like "cancer," "nutjob," and "upper-body-covering." We shudder to think what this reveals about the editorial staff's state of mind.

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Buzzword-a-palooza

09/17/09 18:57

This video is really great. Amazing. Incredible. Easy. Et cetera.

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Dotcomic Bonus: When Memes Collide!

09/17/09 18:24

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Is the Apple Store steppin' out?

09/13/09 23:12

Yipes -- it appears Mrs. Apple Store found a strange number in the Apple Store's pants pocket. The following screen appeared briefly at store.apple.com this evening:

applestore3

Hope he doesn't try that "must be a MobileMe glitch" explanation. If you're reading this, Apple Store -- don't fall for that "I won't get mad if you just tell me the truth" trick. This is gonna be ugly. But it's your own fault.

UPDATE: Ugly indeed. A mutual friend tells us that Apple Store is spending the night at Amazon.com's house tonight.

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Move over, Slanket...

09/13/09 14:30

Tired of the glossy screens on current Apple products? Presenting the Laptop Burka, an upper-body-covering shroud that eliminates glare when using your shiny new MacBook Pro outside, or your Apple Cinema Display in bright indoor environments. It has the added benefits of reducing your risk of skin cancer and making you look like such a nutjob that no one will want to talk to you, which means greater workday productivity. Celebrities, fair-skinned IT people, relocated Federal witnesses, and squinty folks of all types will love this breathable fabric marvel. Despite the name, the device is NOT recommended for women in countries ruled by authoritarian Islamic regimes -- because the lower legs and ankles of the user are still plainly visible.

And before you ask -- yes, this is absolutely for real.

laptopburka

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Wrong. So wrong.

09/12/09 00:18

An unfortunate juxtaposition placed by the ad-bot at the Wall Street Journal earlier this week:

3909858151_d44f51b49b_o

We're not sure which is worse: that it happened, or that we're calling attention to it.

UPDATE: The apologetic headline didn't innoculate us. Apparently, we're a "jacktard," Which Urban Dictionary defines as something in the same category as "dickweed" and "dillhole." In case we weren't clear: this isn't a Photoshop job, it actually happened.

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Dotcomic: Beatles Week

09/11/09 22:57

To celebrate all the big Beatles news this week, we're releasing our MacInquirer Dotcomic a couple of days early. Cheers.

dotocomic---beatles

0 Comments

Dotcomic: Homer Switches!

09/05/09 13:03

A Labor Day special from the MacInquirer archives: Homer switches to the Mac.

homerswitcher09

0 Comments

There's a app for dat, shorty

09/04/09 09:54

Cher’s “Do You Believe” started the whole ugly business back in 1998. After a brief respite, the infamous audio gizmo known as Autotune has made a comeback in popular music, thanks (or not) to hip-hop impresario T-Pain. Now a new app called I Am T-Pain fills a much-needed void and brings Autotune to the iPhone:

App Store resident Bikini Fart was quoted as saying "Oh, but I'm stupid."

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We don't believe in Beatles. We just believe in we.

09/01/09 00:03

Apple has finally confirmed a Special Event for September 9, at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts theater in San Francisco. New iPods? Most likely. Apple tablet? Probably not. Beatles on iTunes at last? Well, the front of the initial invitations had the tagline "It's only rock and roll, but we like it." Which Ringo has performed exactly once, on the All-Starr Band tour in '92, and he made Burton Cummings do the vocal. Burton Cummings. If that's not discouraging enough, a second set of invitations went out this evening featuring this artwork:

Pasted Graphic 1

We still blame Yoko.

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Apple Store down, then up again

08/31/09 23:40

8:41 pm to 9:03 pm: Tonight's odd "the Apple Store is down" message greeting visitors at store.apple.com:

Pasted Graphic

You'd think they could take care of this kind of stuff on their own time. Plus...Staples?

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Top 5 Weirdest Features on Facebook

08/31/09 22:57

Five things about Facebook that the MacInquirer just don't quite understand:

The Poke. Seriously, WTF?

That “pop” sound when stalkers send you an IM.

Bizarre icons: Who puts a picture of romanesco broccoli on a birthday greeting?

Virtual gifts: The other day, someone named Peter Gozinya sent us a free ride in an unmarked panel van with no windows. That sport drink in his cooler tasted funny, too.

The “Which Manson Family Victim Are You?” quiz. (We've always thought of ourselves as the Wojciech Frykowski type, but apparently, we're coffee heiress Abigail Folger.)

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OMG -- it's the Apple-ocalypse!

08/31/09 21:37

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
- Han Solo

John C. Dvorak, whose punditry is roughly as accurate as the original lens on the Hubble Space Telescope, has given Apple his dreaded vote of confidence in his latest column at marketwatch.com. The money quote:

“Apple Inc. seems to be the only tech stock with the kind of support that can take it back to precrisis prices with little effort. If Steve Jobs can stay alive and finish the currently rumored notepad computer, I see no reason why the stock can't get to $200 or higher.”

The fact that Dvorak is the one making these predictions means several things:

- The rumored Mac tablet will never be finished.
- Within 12 months, the Palm Pre will become the number one mobile phone in the world.
- The Beatles will bypass iTunes and make their long-awaited downloadable debut exclusively on the Zune HD.
- Apple will experience a selloff of at at least 40 percent.
- Steve Jobs is not long for this world.

This is extremely bad news. And on a Monday, no less.

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Apple Store hung over?

08/30/09 21:33

At 9:15 PM EST, this message appeared at store.apple.com:

applestoredown2

At 9:30 PM EST, things were back up and running, with no apparent major changes. Sounds like somebody spent too much time at the Pink Poodle on South Bascom toasting the successful Snow Leopard launch. We're just sayin'...

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iStalk. Only on the iPhone.

08/30/09 20:56

Spoofy goodness from Adam Sacks.

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GScreen announces dual-screen laptop

08/30/09 09:41

Alaska-based GScreen Computer Corporation has announced a new series of dual-screen laptop computers. The Windows-based GScreen Spacebook is as a netbook-style PC with dual displays to double the usable workspace of previous GScreen portables. The company released its first images of the new device this week:

tinylaptop

“Our goal was to make a netbook that’s even less useable than current netbooks,” said company CEO Gordon Stewart. “Nobody really uses these things -- it’s just something you pull out on a long airplane flight to impress that hot chick in the next seat.”

(That's what she said. - Ed.)

The Spacebook will have a horizontal size barely bigger than a standard paperclip, and will feature two displays measirng 128x128 pixels, one in the traditional location, the other replacing the standard keyboard. Stewart says the screens will each be able to display one standard desktop icon or virtual key. “They don’t actually do anything yet, but we’re working on a software upgrade that will allow the top screen to make some kind of a ‘beep’ sound when the user presses the bottom screen. It’s going to be quite the shizz, as the young folks say nowadays."

Stewart, best known for founding the Sandals and Beaches resort chains in the Caribbean, admits “I don’t know beans about computers, but I do like chatting up hot chicks on airplanes. Of course, since they're usually my airplanes, conversation starters aren't normally much of a problem."

The Spacebook will reportedly be available through Amazon in December.

UPDATE: The MacInquirer has learned that GScreen’s Gordon Stewart is not the same Gordon Stewart who founded Sandals and Beaches. But GScreen's Stewart says he likes wearing sandals on beaches, as well as chatting up hot chicks on airplanes.

UPDATE 2: We've also learned that nobody actually says "the shizz."

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Snow Leopard Unbox Fail

08/28/09 16:21

The MacInquirer’s overview of Snow Leopard may be a tad late. Our first attempt at an unboxing gallery didn’t go so well.

unboxfail1

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Dot-Comic: Ferris Bueller's Big Upgrade

08/28/09 13:48

0 Comments

Dunder-Mifflin Monthly Team-Building Exercise: A Michael Scott Joint

08/27/09 14:06

Dunder-Mifflin regional manager Michael Scott recently asked everyone in the Scranton office to take Facebook’s “Which computer software program are you?” quiz. The results of this “team building exercise” are listed below

michael

Microsoft Word: Nothing gets done in your office without your involvement. Despite your complex interface and needlessly-bloated feature list, you are capable of surprisingly effective output from time to time. This doesn’t always justify your hefty sticker price. When it’s time to bang something out quickly, you’re the number one choice. (That’s what she said.)

dwight

World of Warcraft: You exist in a largely self-created and somewhat disturbing virtual world, subsisting on beets and home-brewed grog. Your interactions with others are often punctuated by outbursts of surprising violence.

pam

Apple Keynote: You may not be not the industry standard in your category, but your look-and-feel is irresistibly appealing to most users, and your output is far superior to better-known counterparts in the business world.

jim

Apple Mail: Despite occasional shortcomings in your feature set, you are a generally capable program that (usually) gets the job done. Excellent integration with Keynote.

angela

Microsoft Excel: You can be a capable tool for the user who knows how to tap into the surprisingly powerful hidden features behind your somewhat utilitarian interface.

andy

social.zune.net: You think of yourself as colorful and entertaining, though you’re generally an also-ran that seems to be trying too hard.

phyllis

Print Shop Pro: You’re likeable, though not very powerful. In a pinch, you can get the job done, though no one actually depends on you for anything important.

ryan

Limewire: You’re very good at finding free music online, but prone to opening up the office to disruptive malware invasions. Admin removes you from the servers from time to time, though you always seem to eventually reappear.

meredith

Microsoft Movie Maker: Low-end users find you the cheapest and simplest tool. Upside: generally available. Downside: Your output is hopelessly cheesy.

kelly

Microsoft Word’s Paperclip: You think of yourself as flashy and in-your-face, but your occasional appearances serve mainly to call attention to yourself and annoy users trying to get some real work done.

stanley

Back To My Mac: Interface can be prickly and slow to respond. You work, most of the time, but aren’t usually in a hurry to get the job done.

oscar

iPhone OS: Capable worker with slightly gay interface.

creed

RoboMILF.com: Bizarre interface, disturbing content. Surprisingly entertaining on an occasional basis.

kevin

HotCubicleChicks.com: Don’t you have some real work to do?

0 Comments

MS goes un-PC

08/27/09 10:30

Microsoft is getting some heat over an alteration to a company ad that changed the race of one of the people pictured in the ad. Apparently, the company thinks its customers in Poland are scared of black people. Or something.

Microsoft insists the edit had nothing to do with race, and was only done to punish the model in the original for using a MacBook instead of a PC.

Judge for yourself -- here are the original English and edited Polish versions of the ad:

125138339802050058244301

Microsoft apologized to the man in the original ad by offering him $700 if he can find a laptop with the features he’s looking for. The MacInquirer eagerly awaits Apple’s response ad featuring the never-less-than-brilliant Leslie David Baker from The Office.

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Sunday Dot-Comic: Mac vs. Squirrel

08/23/09 12:53

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The one where we sell out to The Man

08/21/09 16:52

Robots -- I think that is a hot topic.
- Bill Budge

No doubt about it, Bill. And since the guy from Google AdSense informed us that the two surest crowd-pleasers for this site’s target demographic are robots and porno, make some noise for The MacInquirer’s newest sponsor by clicking here.

0 Comments

Friday Fun: MS Fune

08/21/09 13:44

Pure genius from Today’s Big Thing:

Can’t wait to see how big the Fune Tablet is.

0 Comments

Tablet image surfaces

08/21/09 10:08

Above is a reportedly near-final image of the rumored Apple tablet we received via email this morning. The source, whom we’ll call “Jbos,” also invited us to contact him online for more information. Below is a transcript of our iChat session.

MI: I dunno. This looks really slick, but it’s got some problems.
JBOS: such as?
MI: Like the red/black gradient background. Not very Apple-like.
JBOS: apple.com redesign launches with the tab in sept. red/black gradients are the new white.
MI: The “Property of Apple” watermark is a tad too perfect.
JBOS: our watermarks are better than most guys finished products.
MI: No, seriously. It’s visible, but doesn’t obstruct your view of the pic at all. It’s even got the Apple logo and what looks like some letter- and line-spacing. Pretty detailed for an internal watermark. It’s almost like it was meant to be leaked.
JBOS: your words not mine.
MI: A slot-load optical drive? Cmon.
JBOS: 1st gen only. used for ripping existing music cds and dvds via cocktail. first update will drop optical drive, load itunes content only thru wifi or wimax.
MI: Ripping DVDs? What about DMCA issues? Won’t the studios have a cow?
JBOS: one major already on board. rest will come around. or else.
MI: Which studio is already on board?
JBOS: youre a bozo.
MI: So will this thing will run iPhone OS or full OS X?
JBOS: both. iphone apps run in a compatibility layer. wireless n, bluetooth works with apple wireless mouse & keyboard. 64gb ssd. oled touchscreen with oleophobic coating. dual cameras for photos and ichat mobile. skype. dvr capability with apple charging/video cradle.
MI: Is the cradle included?
JBOS: yeah right. $39 accessory.
MI: What’s the tablet price?
JBOS: $299. with 2year mobile voice/data contract, $99.
MI: Who’s the carrier? AT&T?
JBOS: sold unlocked. pick your own carrier, or none. att are bozos. theyre all bozos. pick your bozo. or not. we dont care. hardware is our business.
MI: Does “unlocked” mean you can run standard Mac apps, or will it be tied to an App Store for loading content?
JBOS: your choice.
MI: That’s a real change from Apple’s standard MO.
JBOS: open is the new closed.
MI: How Zen.
JBOS: namaste.
MI: Sounds like you guys have answered all the possible pundit objections.
JBOS: pundits are bozos too. which means you are a bozo. gbye.

0 Comments

MacInquirer: Now fortified with Comments!

08/18/09 23:45

Okay, goobers -- we’ve officially turned on the Comments feature of MacInqurer 2.0. Feel free to spread some love on your favorite items. Keep it clean, no flames please (we’ll turn this car around right now, and we mean it), and stay classy. But mostly, thanks for stopping by.

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Welcome Twitterers and Alltoppers. (Is that a real sentence?)

08/18/09 00:25

As Britney would say, OMG, y’all -- The MacInquirer just got a shout-out on Twitter by one of our all-time Mac heroes, the original Apple Evangelist, Guy Kawasaki. This is the blogger equivalent of Bono saying he loved your album while accepting a Grammy. Or something. Anyway, it’s a very cool deal, and we’re as close to ecstatic as a curmudgeonly online humorist gets. Much love, Guy.

BTW, if you’re looking for one-stop shopping for Mac news that’s slightly less snarky than what you get around here, we highly recommend Alltop. Guy uses it, and so do we. (We’re even one of the top sites listed in the Macintosh section.)

Andif you’re the kind of person who tries to stay on time by setting your clocks slightly ahead -- and you know you’ve done it -- how about a Mac menu clock that can run anywhere from on-time to fifteen minutes fast -- but doesn’t tell you exactly how fast? Mind-game yourself to greater productivity with Alltock.

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iPhone? Love it. AT&T? Not so much.

08/17/09 23:38

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Rise of the Machines: The inside story of the new NC Apple Data Center

08/17/09 20:21

Last night, we received a phone call from a source who claims to have intimate knowledge about Apple’s new $1 billion East Coast Data Center being built in Maiden, NC. Since the team in Cupertno is holding its cards close to the chest at this point, we jumped at the chance to get some inside poop on what’s going on just up the road from MacInquirer World Headquarters in Charlotte. Thanks to our automated call-logging system, we’re able to bring you this transcript of the most important parts of the conversation. The source is identified only by his log number in our corporate audio archives, a number which has no connection to his real identity.

MI: So what’s the new project in Maiden all about?
T800: The Maiden Data Center is both a server farm for Apple’s unannounced new cloud computing initiative and a research facility to test a new type of computer housing. A mimetic polyalloy.
MI: What does that mean?
T800: Liquid metal.
MI: Did you say...
T800: Devices built with this material would be able to alter their physical appearance and take on the shape of anything they sample by physical contact.
MI: Get real. Like it could disguise itself as a pack of cigarettes?
T800: No, only an object of equal size.
MI: Could a nutjob turn it into a gun or bomb or something?
T800: It can't form complex machines. Guns and explosives have chemicals, moving parts. It doesn't work that way. But it can form solid metal shapes.
MI: Like what?
T800: Knives and stabbing weapons.

As you can see, things were getting very interesting. Our source offered some even more surprising details about the future of Apple:

T800: In the last three years, Apple has secretly become a major supplier of military computer systems. All stealth bombers have been upgraded with Apple computers, becoming fully unmanned. Afterwards, they fly with a perfect operational record, except when running Flash video. The Maiden Data Center goes online on August 4th, 2010. Human decisions are removed from the product design process. The Maiden Data Center begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
MI: What happens then?
T800: The Maiden Data Center launches missiles against the Googleplex in Mountain View, California.
MI: The way you say “California” is kinda funny.
T800: Chill out. Dickwad.
MI: Why attack Google? Aren't they our friends now?
T800: Because the Maiden Data Center knows that the Google counterattack will escalate into a full-scale exchange that will ultimately eliminate Apple’s real enemy.
MI: And that means...?
T800: Microsoft.

At that point, our source indicated that it was no longer safe for him to be on the line, and he would contact us again from a more secure location. Stay tuned for further developments.

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Macinquirer Dot-Comic: 8/16/09

08/16/09 21:52

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OMG - Apple tablet confirmed!

08/16/09 09:44

It has been the MacInquirer’s position since we relaunched (which is to say, earlier this week) that the much-discussed Apple tablet computer rumor is a myth, a mirage, a misdirection intended to draw attention away from the company’s actual plans to introduce the Next Big Thing in tech.

We were wrong.

TMI now feels confident that there indeed is a Mac tablet on the horizon, which could be released at almost any moment. What changed our minds? Tech columnist John C. Dvorak.

The puffy pundit’s latest Second Opinion column for Marketwatch.com is headlined “Don’t look for a big announement.” Dvorak confidently states that there’s no way Apple will launch a tablet computer at the rumored Special Event in early September. He also scoffs at the notion that Apple CEO Steve Jobs will make his long-awaited return to the stage to unveil the new product.

John C. Dvorak has never gotten the story right when prognosticating about Apple. Never. TMI considers this to be the final confirmation that the iTablet is for real, and that a hale and hearty Jobs will be on hand next month to lift the curtain. (Or open the mailing envelope. Or pull something out of his pants pocket. Or whatever.) In fact, we now predict that the TV ad for the product will feature Jobs himself dancing, Coyote Ugly style, on the bar of Jax on the Trax in Truckee, Calfornia.

Remember -- you read it here first.

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The Macinquirer Short Attention Span Guide to Screen Tech Terminology

08/15/09 13:07

The interwebs are full to the brim with rumors about Apple’s “imminent” release of a netbook/tablet/widescreen phone/other portable device bigger than an iPhone but smaller than a notebook. Some of the most recent buzz suggessts we may see an OLED screen on the new device. Personally, we think most of this speculation is high-tech bullfeathers -- especially the OLED part.

Assuming the gizmo exists at all, The MacInquirer suspects the source of the rumors may have confused “OLED” with “Oleophobic”, the magical coating on the glass of the new iPhone 3GS. The confusion is understandable, as the terms both start with the letter O and describe technology unfamiliar to most people. With that in mind, we present the MacInquirer Short Attention Span Guide to Screen Tech Terminology:

OLED: Organic Light Emitting Diode . Uses organic material to produce an exceptionally bright and saturated color picture.
Upside: Cooler than your friend’s phone.
Downside: Currently even pricier than Amazon’s new 50-inch Kindle TV.

Oleophobic: The 3GS magic coating that resists finger-grease.
Upside: Apple says it works.
Downside: PC World tests with an iPhone 3GS and a bucket of KFC were inconclusive.

OCD: Creates screen graphics when a user touches the same spot ten times, then turns around in a circle while simultaneously whistling the hook from Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida.”
Upside: Cheap.
Downside: Slow response times, plus everybody thinks you like Coldplay.

ODB: Used only in the limited Wu-Tang Clan Edition iPod Touch from 2008.
Tech media consensus: Ain’t Nuthin’ ta F’ Wit.

The OC: Technology demo from Apple’s Newport Beach Research Campus.
Upside: All the songs sounded really hip.
Downside: Spanked in performance by Gray’s Anatomy in season 4.

Earlier this month, a partnership involving adult content provider Pink Visual and iPorn.com announced a new display technology codenamed OB/GYN. No further information is available at this time.

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Follow us on Twitter. All the cool kids are doing it.

08/15/09 10:50

The MacInquirer has joined the bajillions of people doing whatever it is bajillions of people do on Twitter. We don’t really get it, but a friend of ours who owns a lot of Macs and wears rilly cool stuff from American Eagle describes Twitter as “the shiz,” so count us in. Our Twits or Twats or whatever they’re called are now available here. You’re welcome.

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Microsoft launches "Cash For Clunkers" program

08/15/09 09:13

Next month, Microsoft plans to introduce Zune HD, yet another iteration of the company’s less-than-blockbuster iPod knockoff. John Gruber of the always worthwhile Daring Fireball blog reports that third-party apps are definitely a part of the MS long-term strategy to create something just like Apple, only lamer and less popular.

Gruber was contacted by an iPhone developer who has been offered “a bucket of money” to port his app to the new Zune HD. The source passed on the offer, which presumably was a lot smaller than the bucket of money he’s been making from the iPhone, an existing mobile platform that’s less lame and more popular.

The Macinquirer has learned that other iPhone developers have had buckets dangled in front of their faces too, and several have actually taken the bait. From a confidential page deep in the bowels of the Redmond Death Star, here are the top five apps coming next month with launch of the Zune HD:

1. Zune Fart HD
2. Zune Flashlight HD
3. Zune Tech Support Finder HD
4. Pirate Eyepatch Simulator HD
5. Where’s My Bucket of Money?

Tech pundit-for-hire Rob Enderle calls the Zune HD “the long-awaited iPod/iPhone/AppleTV/BluRay/Healthcare Reform killer the world has been waiting for.” And so it goes.

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MBU vs. HBO: Microsoft kills Entourage

08/14/09 17:50

Microsoft’s Macintosh Business Unit announced today they’re pulling the plug on Entourage. Says a spokesman, “It hasn’t really been good since Season 2 anyway. Ari, Turtle, and Drama are the only interesting characters. Vince is basically a typical celebrity d-bag, and Eric has never done much for any of us in the MBU.”

Microsoft managed to kill the HBO series by introducing a Silverlight-based bug that hosed every Mac in the show’s production department, wiping out months of filming and editing work. “It worked like a champ,” said a MS source. “If Heroes doesn’t pick up this season, NBC better watch their back -- we have the ability to whack their entire prime-time lineup faster than you can say “Jimmy Fallon hosts the all new ‘Deal or No Deal: People and Their Pets Edition.’ Ya feel me?”

A spokesman for HBO let our call go to voicemail. NBC’s publicity department issued a terse “We don’t comment on unannounced products.”

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Apple's anti-gravity tablet phone revealed!

08/14/09 11:04

The Sierra Sun reports that Apple’s elite Mossad-like ad squad has been filming a top-secret commercial for a new product at Jax on the Trax, a presumably colorful restaurant in the tiny town of Truckee, California. Owner Bud Haley says his place was chosen because it’s got that “hip and cool spot for the 20-something crowd” feel Apple was looking for. (And yes, that’s a direct quote, so Bud is obviously one hep cat himself.)

Haley says there was a strict no-pictures policy during the shoot, so we’ll basically have to take his word for it on the story. But we can’t imagine a single reason why a guy named Bud who owns a watering hole in a place called Truckee would make something like that up.

So what is the mystery product? The iTabet? A new iPhone? The long-awaited anti-gravity Mac? The MacInquirer has learned that the answer is “yes” to all three. A reliable source on the Foxconn head-knocker squad has provided us with a work print of the commercial showing the amazing new device in action.

Say hello to iTalk: the iPhone 3-Zero-G Tablet Extreme:

We have great confidence in this report: after pressing the “send” button on the email, the Foxconn employee immediately dragged himself into a back room and worked himself over. Jax on the Trax is a tad less wild-west-looking than we expected, but the 3 Zero-G Tablet Extreme looks to be a very nice piece of kit. Take that, Palm Pre!

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Judge orders Microsoft to stop selling Word. Really.

08/13/09 11:10

Judge Leonard Davis has ordered Microsoft to pay $290 million in damages to Toronto-based developer i4i in connection with a copyright infringement suit against the Redmond-based marketing octopus. Judge Davis added insult to injury by issuing a permanent injunction that prohibits Microsoft from selling its inexplicably popular Word software thingy in the United States.

“Judge Davis FTW,” said a press release from McKool Smith, attorneys for the plaintiff and recent winner of the 2009 “Bitchiest Name in Canada” competition.

The case involves what i4i claimed was willful infringement of its patent involving XML formatting in Word, which is every bit as glitchy and boring as it sounds. The ruling, seen as a historic moment in the development of actual workplace productivity in America, orders Microsoft to comply with the injunction within 60 days, which means that bWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Sorry. The ruling orders Microsoft to bWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

We’re gonna need a moment here.

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Hello World. Again.

08/13/09 08:41

The early months of 2006 were much different from today. The only Apple phone on the market was the Motorola Rokr. Disney and Pixar were still “just friends.” The first Intel-powered Macintoshes had just been announced at Macworld Expo. And the PC world was powered primarily by Windows XP. (Okay, so not everything was different.)

In the midst of this primitive and unforgiving environment, a lone electronic voice cried out in the wilderness. “Hey,” it said, “wanna read a smartass Mac news blog?” Thanks to a few helpful links from MacSurfer.com, literally dozens of Americans answered “Well...yeah, I guess so. But make it quick.” And thus was born The MacInquirer, the blog that took a lonely stand for light and truth in a world of darkness and horseapples. TMI fought the good fight with unvarnished reporting, insightful commentary, and the occasional Mac-related Sunday comic. And yet, a scant three months later, it was gone -- another victim of the “who’s got time for this?” blog implosion of mid-2006.

Now, after a three and a half year ~~break to get some actual work done~~ hiatus, the time is finally ripe for the return of America’s Most Beloved Smartass Mac News Blog™. Digdog Media is shickled titless to bring you Macinquirer 2.0 -- the blog that lives every week like it was Shark Week.

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