The general consensus among tech pundits is that Apple's special event today was a tad underwhelming. While the iPod Hi-Fi is no doubt a very nice piece of kit, and the Macintel version of the Mac mini with Front Row is a logical evolution of the cheesecake-box design, somehow everybody was expecting...more. The Inquirer reluctantly concurs, though we note that expectations did seem a tad high, and even The Steveness can't pull an M. Night Shyamalan-style jaw-dropper every single time he announces new product. Still, it's gonna take more than a set of new leather iPod cases to keep Apple's drool factor on the uptick.

Our theme of the moment: a slightly tweaked version of Fresh One from Rapidweaver Theme Park.

YouTube strikes again: Our friends in Redmond redesign the iPod packaging to meet MSCE standards. Funny 'cause it's so true. Click here to view the whole ugly business.

For your weekend amusement: a collection of Steve Jobs Macworld Keynote bloopers, from the media aggregators at youtube.com. You're welcome.

Tech pundits and other media weasels have been falling all over themselves in the race to describe the recent "Mac virus" scandal in the purplest possible prose. Meanwhile, much of the Mac-centric community has bent over backwards to deny that there's anything to get excited about, some even saying the recent events don't technically rise to the level of a true "virus attack" in the geektionary sense of the term.

The Inquirer thinks the truth lies somewhere in the middle: Attempted hack attacks on the Mac are likely to increase with the growing popularity of the platform. This doesn't mean they'll be successful attacks. Still, hackers do love them some publicity, and the schadenfreude of some in the PC press over Macs being allegedly pulled down off their virus-free pedestal has proven that, should there ever be a hAXx0rOU812-type who actually does some real Windows-strength damage on Macs, he/she is in for the Mother Of All Myth-Making Press Frenzies.

In the interest of context, and with a little help from our way-smarter friends over at Wikipedia, we humbly present the Macinquirer Short Attention Span Guide to Viruses and Junk:

Virus: a self-replicating program that wreaks havoc on an infected machine, and spreads by inserting copies of itself into other executable code or documents. Common on Windows. Okay, extremely common on Windows. As in real life, viruses are most often spread by double-clicking Paris Hilton.

Worm: Similar to a virus in the "contagious copying" department, but self-contained, meaning it doesn't need to bond with another program to reproduce itself. Parallels in real life include Melissa Ethridge and Michael Jackson, though a digital worm can self-replicate without the assistance of David Crosby or Debbie Rowe.

Trojan or Trojan horse: mischief-causing software disguised as a legitimate program of another type. This little booger is more-or-less powerless until the nosy user on the receiving end opens it, at which point the Trojan's illusion of utility breaks at the most damaging moment possible, not unlike the occasional behavior of its real-life latex counterpart. To encourage the clickity-click, a Trojan is typically given a filename nearly impossible to resist, like "JolieAnnistonNakedCatfightMovie.exe."

The most-covered "Mac virus" of recent days would be more properly defined as a Trojan horse, and a relatively lame one at that. But the publicity gauntlet has been thrown down to the Livin'-on-Jolt-and-homebuilt-Unix-box crowd, so buckle up, buttercups -- we could be in for a somewhat bumpy ride. Meanwhile, the tiny handful of Mac anti-virus software developers are practically salivating at the possibility of their OS X products being actually useful for something. Just our luck -- we finally get some vendors who can't wait to write software for Macs, and they end up being Sophos and McAfee.

After a recent mass-emailed invite to a Steve Jobs/Bono Special iPod Event turned out to be as bogus as an Access Hollywood interview with Mrs. Ryan Seacrest, some observers were skeptical about today's announcement of a media shindig at Apple's Cupertino campus next Tuesday. But this one's apparently for real -- the invite teases "Come see some fun new products from Apple," and says the 'palooza will start at 10 am PST.

Top predictions on what's on the agenda:
- Intel-powered Mac mini with Front Row media suite
- The "real" iPod video, featuring full-face display with virtual touchwheel
- Tons of new video content for the iTunes Music Store
- New Intel iBook MacBook whatever they're calling the new consumer laptops
- Jobs comes out, sees shadow, six more weeks of bad product speculation

As Ralph Kramden would say: "Well, Norton, you've done it again...!"

Our babe-in-the-woods podcasting experiment led to a complete site service outage over the last few days. What can we say -- we're idiots.

We're back now, and the usual snarky comments on the events of the day will resume momentarily. Thanks for your patience, and please visit our snack bar.

Episode #001 is here. Listen to it here.

Last year, Richmond, Virginia's Henrico County school system chose not to renew a contract with Apple to provide iBook laptops for all high school students. In the wake of the switch to Dell, Henrico held a fire sale at Richmond International Raceway to dump the iBooks at $50 each. Not surprisingly, mayhem ensued, in the form of a frenzied mob of value-conscious shoppers who apparently understand the eBay value of used iBooks much better than their representatives on the Henrico County school board. Bumps, bruises, people literally peeing in their pants -- it was a magic moment.

Now, Henrico has decided to stay with Apple for its middle school students and teachers, renewing the contract for four years. Dell's bid of $1111 each for new laptops was allowed to expire, and Henrico board members voted to spend $1246 each on a new set of iBooks. The extra $135 per unit was described by one eyewitness to the August, 2005 racetrack melee as "a cheap way to put off another trample-fest at RIR for at least four years."

Napster CEO Baghdad Bob Chris Gorog announced another losing quarter for the struggling digital music retailer Wednesday. But Gorog was upbeat about the future, due to what he called a "secret plan" to help the company get into the black. Gorog offered no details on the Nixonian-sounding scheme, but insiders say that, at this point, Napster's options to attain profitability boil down to five:

1. Have a reeeeally big bake sale

2. Start auctioning used iPods on eBay

3. License "Hello Kitty" as the new corporate mascot and make a mint selling pink t-shirts to 8-year-old girls

4. Plant a deep-fried chicken head in a McNuggets Happy Meal and sue McDonalds for, like, a bajillion dollars

5. Hire Steve Jobs to run the joint

Real Networks chief Rob Glaser has reportedly told Gorog he's interested in a strategic partnership if Napster goes with the bake sale idea.

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has announced another charity initiative to make the world a better place: Windows OneCare Live. Future high-profile philanthropic efforts by the Gateses will be funded in part by the new service, which is actually a $49.95 add-on for Microsoft Windows that purports to better protect users from spyware, viruses, and internet attacks. Y'know, the kind of protection that was promised in XP. And XP Service Pack 2. And Vista. And...

Ryan Hamlin of Microsoft's Technology Care and Safety Group -- now there's a fun job -- says the company's aim is most definitely not to run McAfee and Symantec out of business. Said Hamlin: "There's plenty of room here, kind of, for all of us." A Symantec spokesperson responded "What? He did not just say 'kind of!' Son of a...!" McAfee could not be reached for comment, as all employees were busy calling FedEx/Kinko's to see if their updated resumes were ready for pickup.

UPDATE: John Morrell of the "Good Morning Silicon Valley" e-newsletter has praised Microsoft's whole-widget strategy with this bon mot: "You can't help but admire the vertical effectiveness of selling both the problem and the solution." Wish we'd said that.

Design Mobel from Down Under has introduced the world's first iPod-compatible bed. "The Pause" is a Scandinavian-looking unit made of something called "sustainable New Zealand Rimu" and features shelves that can seamlessly integrate an iPod universal dock and Bose speaker system. The ensemble is being sold at the Bedpost chain in Australia and the charmingly-named Capt'n Snooze in New Zealand. Dunno what a "New Zealand Rimu" is, but one wag on the Inquirer staff says it sounds like the Number 4 Combo at the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada.

The iTunes Music Store has begun the countdown to their latest sales milestone: the one billionth download. The person who downloads every 100,00th song will be rewarded with a black 4GB iPod nano and a $100 iTunes Music card, while the downloader of the billionth song will be showered with gifts including a 20-inch iMac, ten 60GB iPods, a $100,000 iTunes Music card, a free concert for your school featuring the John Mayer Trio, Bono's home phone number, 100 cases of Red Bull, and a mud-wrestling party featuring Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, Beyonce, Shakira, Tyra Banks, Heidi Klum, Jewel, and Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas. Fill those shopping carts!

If you've been eagerly awaiting a chance to download 24, The Simpsons, and Family Guy to your video iPod, it might be a while. Media mogul Rupert Murdoch told Newsweek recently that Fox doesn't get the whole iPod video thing. Says Murdoch: "We're not knocked out by iPod so far. We've talked to them, to Google and others. But how many people want to get video on a tiny screen when they already have TiVo or a similar service from their cable company or DirecTV?"

So what does Murdoch like? Cell phones. Yes, really. "We're downloading minute segments -- original 'mobisodes' -- of the Fox hit 24. Soon we'll be downloading the funniest joke of the week in Family Guy. People will be sitting in bars and holding up their phones and laughing."

In other words, tiny & crisp = bad, while teeny-tiny & fuzzy = good. Murdoch is also rumored to be working on deals to put weekly American Idol episodes on Game Boy Micro, Skating With Celebrities highlights on the LeapPad Learning System, and a scrolling text recap of Cops on the LED display of the Simpsons Party pinball machine. Move over, Steve Jobs -- there's a new New Media visionary in town!

Incomprehensible Lawsuit of the Week: Apple is being sued by a Louisiana man who claims his iPod damaged his hearing. No wait -- he doesn't claim it actually damaged his hearing, but says it, y'know, could have. Or something.

This would be just another "I'm taking you to court over my own stupidity" story, if not for the lead attorney in the case, whose portfolio smells funky even by the low standards of American product liability law. Plaintiff John Keil Patterson is being represented by Steve W. Berman of Hagins Berman Sobol Shapiro, LLP. Counsellor Berman's greatest hits include the now infamous "my iPod nano is all scratched" class-action caper -- and his official bio identifies the Seattle-based lawyer as one of the head weasels on the antitrust Dream Team for...drumroll please...Microsoft! As the Church Lady would say: "How convieeeeenient."

In case you didn't catch it on the sidebar, our January archive is available here.