Apple tablet specs mystically revealed

01/02/10 15:03

Greetings, infidel technophiles. The aroma of your collective fanboi dreams of a new Apple gizmo has permeated my high-tech North African citadel. The MacSwami is here to clear the air with some early details about the upcoming Apple tablet computer.

It’s true: the Cupertino Skunkworks has finally come up with something Steve Jobs can enjoy while sitting on the toilet. MacSwami sees an official Apple tablet announcement at the end of January, with limited availability in late March. The main bullets:

-Oleophobic glass multitouch screen will be a larger version of the one in the iPhone 3GS. Screen size just north of ten inches. Will run a customized operating system somewhere between the iPhone OS and the full desktop/laptop version of OS X. Onscreen widgets will be slightly larger finger-targets than iPhone versions. For a preview, examine the revised horizontal scrollers in iTunes 9.

- Will be tied to the iTunes App Store like the iPhone. Jailbreakers will quickly figure out how to install their own apps. Among the first gray market add-ons: a hack that enables the use of Apple’s wireless keyboard. Speaking of which...

- No physical keyboard. Onscreen KB like iPhone, though its bigger keys will make it a bit easier for the bifocals crowd to use.

- Most iPhone apps will run, though they’ll need to be modified slightly to fill the full screen. (Leading fart-app developers are working overtime on this right now.)

-Communication capabilities will be similar to iPod Touch: Wireless networking, but no built-in phone capabilities. AT&T will announce an iPhone tethering plan for the tablet, but never deliver. Apple and AT&T will each drop hints suggesting the other is the problem. Full tethering will only arrive in mid-2011, when the tablet and iPhone become available from carriers that are not named AT&T.

- No memory card expansion slot. SD card support will make an anticlimactic appearance about 3 years down the road.

- 128 GB SSD for storage. 256 GB will be a ridiculously expensive option whose price will drop dramatically before the end of the year, generating an idiotic class-action lawsuit that will go nowhere.

- Single 3 megapixel camera with video capability, similar to current iPhone unit. Several key tech writers have already written the section of their reviews that whine girlishly about the lack of a second camera for iChat.

-Standard 1/8-inch headphone jack. Tiny, underwhelming stereo speakers. Port for charging and sync that appears to be identical to the dock connector on the iPod/iPhone, but will give you a scary “this accessory could blow up your tablet” warning if you try to use existing cables/docks. Tablet will necessitate an all-new dock/cradle ecosystem, most of which will be utter horsecrap. Only products from Griffin and one or two other companies will be worth even looking at.

- Full large-screen iPod functionality will goose sales of iTunes TV/movie downloads. Books will also be available. ala Kindle. “Enhanced” versions of the New York Times, Wired, Sports Illustrated, and various other dead-tree publications will be available at launch, at prices distressingly similar to newsstand copies. This will do little to stop the bleeding, and Old Media companies will continue to struggle.

- Kindle and Nook will both announce lower prices. It won’t help. Nook will bite the dust first, with Kindle hanging on a bit longer.

- Predictable humbuggery about the new device being “too expensive to succeed” will be accompanied by lengthy Apple Store lines at product launch and backorders of several weeks.

There is much more, but you are not ready to receive it now. MacSwami will reveal additional details soon.

Stay classy. But mostly, thanks for stopping by.

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