Macinquirer

Apple's free iPhone 4 cases up close

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-07-24T18:40:06-04:00

The always excellent iLounge has a feature on the free iPhone cases Apple is offering. If you’re all squinty from trying to see the tiny pix on the iPhone Case app, here’s a better look, with some informed recommendations. (We’re satisfied owners of one of the choices, the Griffin Reveal Etch. Sadly, we had to pay for it ourselves, since we ordered before the Apple case program started up. But whaddayagonna do, eh?)

This is not the Droid you're looking for...

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-07-23T21:38:33-04:00

Best iPad vs. netbook article ever

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-07-18T22:53:14-04:00

A link from our iPad’s SkyGrid news app promised a thorough look at the pros and cons of iPad vs. netbook. We’d never heard of techsuave.com before, but the name was intriguing, so we surfed over. The reviewer wasted no time in getting down to brass tacks:

The interrogative many peoples have today is whether it is worth greasing one’s palms an Apple iPad or go with a netbook, notebook computer or laptop computer as their data processor. That is a option suitable of very much of retainer still though the iPad is betraying very well justly now.

Being tremendous fans of Japanenglish and Babelfish-style automated computerized language translations, we were immediately hooked. (One might argue that the iPhone 4 is a better example of “betraying very well justly now,” though Steve says the free bumpers should take care of that.)

In the interest of transparency, the reviewer shared his iPad vs. netbook comparison criteria thusly:

I will create my breaker point by creating a couple of compares.

And while the review strives mightily to be fair to both products, The ‘Suave isn’t afraid to take a stand when it’s called for:

If you demand a great deal of computer memory then a 2.5″ disc drive has an reward over a 16GB unchanging reposition iPad. You too have the power to change the disc drive likewise as having extra USB port wines to use.

Remember when Cnet still had the balls to say stuff like that? But wait -- there’s more:

The iPhone OS versus Windows 7 works substantially with the iPad since Malus pumila worked difficult to pluck that organization. No vantage with Windows 7.

Truer words were never spoken. Microsoft’s continued reliance on the antiquated Malus pumila is a disgrace to the world of modern computing.

TechSuave’s bottom line:

It all appears to boil down to this : if you are looking to run through subject matter like surfboarding the net with an easy to utilize, extremely portable device then the iPad is for you. But then, if you desire more functionality than channelling surf the cyberspace and meter reading e-books, then you want to study a slimly less portable netbook or notebook computer.

True dat, my brotha.

Macinquirer salutes our new favorite tech blog: TechSuave.com!

Anechoic shock

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-07-18T20:46:32-04:00

Apple’s Antennagate response kit includes a quick video tour of the massive anechoic chambers the company uses to test reception on its mobile devices. The Cupertino Skunkworks has invested big bucks in these rigs, and they’re quite impressive. Except for this odd detail in one shot:

Your eyes are not deceiving you: the final link in this $100 million chain of high-tech test gear appears to be...a rubber band.

A. Rubber. Band.

Suddenly, this photo doesn’t look quite as ridiculous as it did last week:

Antennagate Update: Apple speaks

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-07-16T15:33:33-04:00

Apple has responded to complaints about the now-famous iPhone 4 “Death Grip” controversy with a press event at company HQ. The results were...how can we say this....a tad underwhelming. In the words of commenter Dan828 on TUAW:

So the gist of the press conference is this: There is no problem. Even if there was a problem, other phones have the same problem. And though there is no problem, we are going to fix the non-problem by giving away free cases. We love you, stop being mean to us.

Sad to say, but fairly accurate, in our estimation. You can read the recap here, and watch the whole streaming video spin-fest here.

Jane Lynch vs. iPhone 4

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-06-26T13:51:35-04:00

iPhone 4: Will It Blend?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-06-26T13:45:32-04:00

Our homeboy Tom Dickson does the Blendtec torture test on the new hotness.

Rejected iPhone 4 ad

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-06-24T18:01:09-04:00

MS vs. Apple: Clash of the Launches

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-06-24T17:40:05-04:00

Apple is in the spotlight today with the official launch of iPhone 4. But arch-rival Microsoft isn’t taking the big event lying down -- the Redmond Octopus has fired a shot across Cupertino’s bow with a competing celebration: the grand opening of its fourth Microsoft Store in the Fashion Valley Mall in San Diego, just yards away from the mall’s Apple Store.

Apple not only drew bugger numbers, but the crowd at the iPhone launch was...how can we say this...a tad hipper than the competition. Judge for yourself: here’s a shot of the throng waiting to snag an iPhone 4:

And here’s a look at the typical corporate-mandated line dancing going on inside the new Microsoft outlet:

Apple FTW.

iPhone 4: First review

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-06-23T20:03:48-04:00

NYT/CNBC tech columnist David Pogue reviews the iPhone 4, with not one but two “special guests.” An instant classic.

iPhone 4 Keynote in under 5 min.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-06-09T17:21:57-04:00

Don’t have the better part of 2 hours to spend watching the official iPhone 4 intro at WWDC? Here’s a version that captures all the key moments in under five minutes:

iBlinked: Updated iPad to run Flash!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-29T12:36:13-04:00

h/t: Scoopertino.com

First Look: ClamCase for iPad

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-09T15:04:58-04:00

Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.
- Dr. Ian Malcom, “Jurassic Park”

One of Apple’s selling points for the iPad is “it’s like holding the internet in your hands.” So why would you want to turn a bladelike tablet into a folding laptop with a full physical keyboard? Dr. Malcom would say “because you can.” Which brings us to ClamCase, LLC, and their upcoming accessory that turns the iPad into a multi-touch netbook.

The only pix of the ClamCase so far are 3D renderings on the company’s website. They depict a glossy black plastic shell with a built-in keyboard that connects to the iPad via Bluetooth. The ClamCase also acts as an easel-style stand for watching videos and whatnot. The shiny-shiny finish looks like it would be covered with fingerprints in about the first 30 seconds, which begs the question: where’s the version with the faux leather wraparound?

At first blush, it may sound about as practical as a set of frames that turn contact lenses into a regular pair of eyeglasses. But once you’ve seen the clamshell in all its injection-molded awesomeness, you can’t help but admire the ingenuity, and think “that would come in handy sometimes.” If you’re unable to resist the siren song of a totally superfluous yet strangely seductive accessory, sign up at the site for updates on availability. There’s even a spot on the form to share your opinion on what this little sucka ought to sell for. If you click anything but the lowest price, you’re a ClamCase kinda consumer fershure!

Apple Flash-Killer attacks Tokyo!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-09T12:24:59-04:00

Adobe’s Flash has become the Starbucks of internet technologies: it’s not very good, but it’s frickin’ everywhere, so most people swallow it without thinking. Apple has made no secret of their desire to change that, and has a new Flash-Killer that may help hasten the transition.

“Boogie Nights” star Daniel Eran Dilger’s report on AppleInsider describes a new Apple-developed, standards-based framework for web apps called...are you ready for this?...Gianduia.

The technology is apparently much better than the name, which suggests either a fire-breathing dinosaur running amok through Akihabara or the next planet over from James Cameron’s Pandora. Wait -- maybe it’s the last thing a woman wants to hear from her gynecologist. Or the secret identity of the original San Diego Chicken. Or...

Gianduia is actually pronounced “jon-doo-ya” and is an Italian word that describes hazelnut chocolate, a reference to the framework’s Cocoa-based origins. (Get it?) Dilger says it was introduced last summer at Apple’s World of Web Objects Developer Conference, where it was quite the belle of the ball for hip code monkeys looking to deliver snazzy content without the use of turdy plug-ins like Flash and Silverlight. Apparently, if you want to stay on the bleeding edge of web gizmos, a little Gianduia will do ya. I for one welcome our new chocolate-scented interactive content overlords.

UPDATE: The guy from “Boogie Nights” was actually named Dirk Eran Diggler. Our bad.

UPDATE 2: The real terror of Akihabara is this guy.

UPDATE 3: The planet closest to Pandora is Chlamydia.

UPDATE 4: The San Diego Chicken was Ted Gianoulis.

UPDATE 4: The last thing a woman wants to hear from her gynecologist is “Oops -- sorry about that. Oh wow -- I’m totally using this as my new profile pic on Facebook!”

Super Mario to Jobs: It's war!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-08T12:12:25-04:00

On the heels of its first profit drop since 2004, Nintendo is apparently preparing for an all-out war with a new arch-enemy. Electronista reports that company president Satoru Iwata plans to shift Nintendo’s laserlike focus on sticking it up the Sony Playstation’s caboose and instead target Apple, whose explosive growth in the gaming biz seems likely to continue with the larger canvas of the iPad now available. A source says the House That Mario Built now views Cupertino as the “arch enemy of the future” and presumably the nexus of evil on our planet.

Macinquirer’s sources in Asia say Nintendo has recently cornered the market on fire-breathing turtles and polka-dotted mushrooms in anticipation of the coming battle, and has instructed all employees to bash their skulls repeatedly into the cubes that hover over their workspaces, in order to generate as many gold coins as possible to finance the campaign. (Which, if money is the objective, makes you wonder why they don’t just have everybody on staff do the skull-bash thing every day, all day long, y’know?)

Dotcomic: Letterman in Cupidtino

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-07T12:24:33-04:00

@theMovies: Iron Man 2

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-05T07:55:10-04:00

In 2008, billionaire arms tycoon and part-time superhero Tony Stark graduated from the Marvel Comics B-list to Hollywood superstar status in “Iron Man,” featuring Robert Downey Jr. as the swaggering tech genius trying to blast his way to World Peace so he can get back to chatting up hotties at the bar. Director John Favreau reunites almost the whole gang from the original film in “Iron Man 2,” with decidedly mixed success.

As our preposterous story opens, Stark’s metallic alter ego has made the world safe for democracy in less than six months. His only remaining adversary is a doughy Gary Shandling as a US senator bent on taking custody of the Iron Man armor in the interest of national security. Enter Mickey Rourke as Ivan Vanko, a Russian Randy the Ram with some sort of homebrew version of the original Iron Man power pack, featuring electrically-charged bullwhips instead of a full suit of armor. (It didn’t make much sense to us either.) Sam Rockwell is Justin Hammer, nerdy arch-nemesis of Stark Industries, whose master plan is to steal Stark’s technology and get rich selling a knockoff Iron Man to the Department of Defense. It’s a bit like Bill Gates asking a Russian Jason Chen to help him pinch an iPhone prototype and make Zune phones to sell to the Feds. Or something.

Of course, plot is hardly the point here. Favreau delivers more than enough action to keep the ball rolling. Roarke’s electro-whips slash most of the field to ribbons in the middle of a Formula One race in Monaco. Downey and Don Cheadle get into a full metal dustup when Stark’s Iron Man gets toasted at his birthday party and starts blowing up watermelons to entertain the guests. (Yes, really.) Scarlet Johannson as The Woman Who May Be More Than She Seems lays an Emma Peel-style smackdown on a team of security guards. And the obligatory CGI mayhem ensues when Downey and Cheadle take on an army of Iron Man clones in Act III.

As in the first film, Downey’s Tony Stark fits him like a heavily-armored glove here. Rockwell is fine as Stark’s twitchy rival, though his villainy is more Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor than Heath Ledger’s Joker. Except for the Formula One slashfest, Roarke is given surprisingly little to do. Paltrow, in a ”meh” role, delivers a “meh” performance. The always engaging Samuel L. Jackson shows up again for a few scenes, though his eye-patched presence is a fairly obvious plug for Marvel’s movie version of the super-team comic The Avengers, which isn’t due until 2012. Johannson is apparently in the cast mainly to set up her Black Widow character for that same sequel. (Sit through the lengthy closing credits for a brief coda involving another Marvel hero who’s headed to the big screen next summer.) “Iron Man 2” feels a good bit less fresh than the original. But the film features a mostly appealing cast and avoids adding nipples to the hero’s costume, which is about as much as can be expected from a superhero sequel nowadays.

Bill Gates on the iPad. Or not.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-04T00:01:58-04:00

Retired tablet computing pioneer Bill Gates gets a question about the iPad, and immediately engages Congressional Antitrust Hearing mode:

Wow -- the MS tablet engineers must be stinking it up in the test lab even worse than we’ve heard. Even the Nook team at Barnes & Noble had a better comeback line than that. (“‘iPad?’ They shoulda called it ‘I suck really bad!’” Followed by a series of fist-bumps among the members of the team.)

Review: SGP Carbon Skin for iPad

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-02T19:25:05-04:00

Our continuing quest for the perfect iPad case/folder/wrapper led us to the fine folks at HandheldItems.com, aggregators of skins & stuff for mobile devices of all kinds, including the Tablet That’s About To Change Everything, And Probably Already Has. In terms of sheer number of products offered, these guys are the kings of the iPad accessory hill at the moment.

Along with the expected silicone sleeves with round cutouts to show off the Apple logo -- the crotchless panties of the gadget world -- the site also offers a couple of products from SGP that include a handy-dandy bit of iPad flair called the SGP Premium Protective Cover Skin for iPad [Carbon]:

Try to imagine Ricardo Montalban’s velvety tones extolling the virtues of “reech eemitation carbon fiber” as you behold the faux awesomeness:

The SGP PPCSFI (we’re not typing that whole name again) is a rubbery stick-on with a fake carbon fiber pattern embossing. “Premium” apparently refers to the $19.95 price. “Protective” is a bit of a stretch, since the skin offers virtually no protection from droppage or spillage, and exists purely to give that Toyota Scion vibe to the world of Apple tablet add-ons.

The cutout for the Apple logo is a tad more refined than the big round peek-a-boo hole in many cases. It follows the contours precisely, which makes it virtually impossible to allign the skin perfectly, even if you start slowly from the middle and work your way carefully to the outside edges. All in all, we think our test staff did a pretty frickin’ good job lining this sucker up:

The case comes with a clear plastic sticker to cover the shiny black Apple logo, which apparently was included as some kind of a sick joke. In other words, we completely boogered it up with fingerprints while trying to put it on, and finally said to hell with it.

The SGP effect is not really that bad, in a boy-racer kind of way:

SGP’s fake-cessory adds virtually no thickness to the iPad’s svelte lines: And while the skin’s grippiness is a tad disappointing, this is the first iPad case we’ve tested that actually allows the use of Apple’s pain-in-the-ass official iPad Dock:

How much would you pay for all this Sharper-Image-y goodness? Would you go for $19.95? Then head on over to Handhelditems.com and get ready to rumble!

Pros: Cool, in a woodgrain wallpaper kinda way. Works with the Apple Dock.
Cons: Not especially grippy. Not at all protective. Apple-shaped hole takes the touch of a heart surgeon to align properly. Most readers too young to appreciate Ricardo Montalban reference.

Jobs makes the Time 100

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-05-02T19:05:46-04:00

Congratulations to Apple CEO Steve Jobs, named one of the Most Awesomest People in the Whole Wide World in the just-announced Time 100. Steve is pictured on the cover alongside longtime Oprah Winfrey paramour Steadman Graham and funnygal Tina Fey from NBC’s “30 Rock.” Well done, everyone!

Review: Macally Bookstand

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-26T22:01:11-04:00

Macally is a company name we’ve never been sure how pronounce. The obvious inference is “You like Macs? We’ll be one of your most trusted allies!” If that version seems a tad clumsy to pronounce, it could be a variant spelling of “Welcome to Mac Alley.” Or maybe the guy who started the company has Scottish heritage, and was actually named “MacAlly.” However you say it, the company has made a name for itself with a line of headphone winders, USB hubs, car chargers, and iPhone cases.

One of the company’s first accessories for the iPad is the folder-style Bookstand. The feature set is similar to the previously reviewed Apple iPad Case, with a few variations on the theme.

In place of the Apple case’s charcoal neoprene-y material, the Bookstand comes in a light grey suede. That’s right, suede: full-grain leather’s Rick-James-lookin’ cousin. The case is held closed by a tan leather tongue that slides into a matching strap on the bottom of the case, which isn’t nearly as sexual as we just made it sound. For some reason, the mixed-leather combo evokes Jeff Hamilton’s legendary mac-daddy leather jackets. (Who can forget the classic 8-Ball design sported by the inimitable David Puddy on that very special episode of “Seinfeld?”) But we’re weird that way.

The tongue-and-strap design of the cover (again, less sexual than it sounds) enables the case to be used as either a low-profile table stand or a more upright easel for iPadding with a paired bluetooth keyboard.

Macally decided against making the retaining mechanism a picture frame style pocket with a cutout for the screen, and went with a clip-in case that holds the iPad in place with four rounded corner bumpers. On the plus side, this minimizes the added thickness of using a folder-style iPad koozie. But although the grip of the case seems pretty secure, some users might find it less, shall we say, idiot-proof than a more standard full-surround holder with cutouts for the ports. Throwing caution to the wind, our intrepid review team flipped the loaded Bookcase over and shook it a few times, with no iPad slippage problems. (We did this test a few inches from a thickly carpeted floor. We may be daring, but we’re not idiots.)

The back of the case would appear to be a plastic shell wrapped in the aforementioned gray suede. This gives the Bookstand more of a curvy backside than you might expect. (And that last sentence makes this the most sexually-charged review we’ve ever written.)

The Bookstand is a worthy competitor to the more generic looking Apple iPad Case, with similar features -- though at $49.95 it’s ten bucks pricier than its rival. While the gray suede may strike some as an odd choice, it offers an alternative to those looking for a folder-style case that protects, adds minimal thickness, and lays down a tad more snazz than Apple’s offering.

Pros: Solid construction, good fit, adds minimal thickness, generates random sexual references in reviews.
Cons: Gray suede isn’t for everybody. Less edge protection. Clip-style case may not satisfy nervous nellies. We’re still not sure how to pronounce “Macally.”

Dotcomic: Saw VII: Wrath of Jobsaw

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-25T15:11:08-04:00

Say hello to Woz-Bot.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-25T11:40:48-04:00

Spy pic of the week: A prototype of Apple’s new Robot Wozniak jacked into the Cupertino server farm for testing. The ‘bot is equipped with an LCD t-shirt screen that can display either diagnostic info or the kind of snappy patter that made the original Woz a legend in the world of topical tech comedy. Also, Robo-Woz can play Bejeweled on an iPhone and Kenny G tunes on a beer bottle -- at the same time! How’s THAT for multitasking?

Macinquirer Review: Belkin Grip Swell

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-25T10:48:16-04:00

The silicone case has become the go-to accessory for iPod and iPhone owners. It usually comes in an acid-trip rainbow of colors, including the ubiquitous pink for girly-girl users who want to make their gadgets look all Susan G. Komen, and the usual reds and neon greens found at the mall kiosk that sells cheap Asian import cases for everything from Star-Tacs to Blackberrys. The name-brand cases you find inside the Apple Store tend toward the ridonkulous end of the pricing continuum -- hey, it’s a quarter’s worth of injection-molded plastic -- and at 40 bucks, the Belkin Grip Swell for iPad is no exception.

First, there’s that Japanenglish name. “Belkin Grip Swell.” It conjures a mental image of a 12-year-old Tokyo schoolgirl delivering copy like “iPad need more grippy? Here’s one now! It’s grip-nasty fun for boys and girls of all genders! Belkin Grip Swell! It’s the WOW!!” (Okay, so it’s probably not that. We assume that “grip” is a reference to the tactile nature of the material, and “swell” is meant to convey the ocean-wave pattern embossed on the back. Or something.)

There’s a fine line between “timeless classic” and “looks like the upholstery from a 1970s power boat,” and Belkin is dangerously close to that line here, especially with the two-tone colors that highlight the embossed pattern in question. (The item we picked up at Best Buy had apparently been opened and put back in the package backwards, so we thought it was a plain black silicone sleeve until we got it home and discovered the Wavy Truth. Curse you, cardboard iPad homescreen!)

For a product with “Grip” in the name, the Grip Swell is a bit disappointing. It’s an improvement over the stock aluminum case, but not by much. There are openings for the essential ports and switches, and while the case actually covers up the Home button, it doesn’t interfere with the button’s operation at all. The overall fit is good, though this is another case you’ll have to peel off to use the impossibly-placed connector on the Apple iPad Dock. (Of course, there’s a lot of that going around lately.)

At $39.95, the Grip Swell is not all that “grippy,” and not particularly “swell.” Coming soon from Belkin -- the new “Grip Swell Inexpensive,” priced at $100.

Pros: Fits well, protects the Home button from finger grease.
Cons: No grippy, no swelly, just pricey.
$39.95

Tomorrow: The Macally Bookstand

MacInquirer Review: Apple iPad Case

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-24T22:47:44-04:00

The iPad hit the streets the first weekend in March, but what will no doubt be bajillions of accessory products are just beginning to trickle into the market. That’s what happens when you put the Cupertino Cone of Silence over a new piece of hardware the way Apple did over the last few months. Among the first pieces of kit for the new tablet are an assortment of the usual comically-overpriced silicone sleeves and folder-style protective cases. But when you’ve held the iPad in your hands, the first thing you notice is how easy the sleek unibody aluminum tablet would be to drop, which means a case of some kind will likely be one of your first add-ons.

The staff of MacInquirer Labs are known for slutting it up with every pretty face that comes along until we find the One True Case that completes us. This expensive dance happened with both the iPod and iPhone, and the cycle is repeating itself with the iPad. Over the next few days, we’ll be taking a look at several of the early candidates to become the permanent Missus to our new Mr. iPad. First out of the box at launch was Apple’s own offering, ingeniously dubbed “The Apple iPad Case.”

The homegrown tablet hugger is apparently the one part of the project that was kept hidden from industrial design wunderkind Jonathan Ive. How else to explain the generic styling of this case? It looks like it was designed by Woz for his Etsy storefront. The puckery-ness of the cutouts for the essential ports and switches is disappointing, especially from the company that has the best industrial design team on the planet right now. The case has a grippy neoprene-feeling exterior that works, though without an ounce of pizazz. (And what -- not even a business card slot inside the cover? You guys are taking this “we’re not obsessed with the business market” thing a tad too far.)

Despite our niggles with the look, we must admit that the case works pretty well. The edge of the bi-folding cover flips back and slips behind a tab on the back of the case, creating your choice of a low-profile slant for iPadding during breakfast, or an upright easel perfect for using with a paired Bluetooth keyboard.

This was the first product to reveal what’s shaping up to be all-too-common failing among iPad cases: it has to be completely removed to use the official Apple iPad Dock. The laughably tight placement of the connector on the iPad Dock is the real problem here, and almost appears to be an intentional gotcha for third-party case manufacturers. But Cheese Louise -- Apple should have gotcha-proofed their own case. (C’mon Steve -- you had your hands on this sucker months before anybody else. Would it kill you to make a case and a dock that, y’know, work together?)

If you’re looking to wrap your sexy new iPad in a deeply unsexy layer of OfficeMax-style camouflage, this case will have you at “hello.”

Pros: Grippy, works pretty well.
Cons: If this case had a TV show, it’d be called “Fugly Betty.”
$39.95

Tomorrow: A look at the Belkin Grip Swell

Granny's iPad: The Lost Limericks

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-22T12:31:23-04:00

99-year-old Virginia Campbell has gone viral in this video showing off the joys of her new iPad:

The feisty Campbell sent us a couple of her other limericks via email, and we’re pleased to share them with you. First, she weighs in on the Apple/Adobe Flash controversy:

My new iPad doesn’t run Flash
Which means I need not fear a crash
Adobe’s lame app
Is a big pile of crap
That ought to be thrown in the trash

She’s not a big fan of Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer either:

There was a bald man from Seattle
Who treated his users like cattle
Don’t mean to sound plucky
But Microsoft’s sucky
And using their stuff is a battle

Virginia tells us she’s working on another one about an old boyfriend of hers from Nantucket, Massachusetts. That and more coming up -- only from MacInquirer.

Apple beats Disney, Coke, Amazon

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-16T10:17:16-04:00

Forbes has released the 2010 edition of the Fortune 500, its annual ranking of the world’s most valuable companies. Apple jumped 17 spots from 71 to 56, making it the third most valuable computer company. While it still lags behind #36 Microsoft and #38 Dell, Apple is now ahead of such global octopi as Intel (#62), Coca-Cola (#72), Fox parent News Corp. (#76), and Amazon.com (#100). The Mac/iPhone/iPad maker is now one slot ahead of Disney, where Steve Jobs is the largest single shareholder thanks to the House of Mouse’s acquisition of Pixar.

At the bottom of this year’s list is #500 Blockbuster, whose video rental juggernaut has been bitch-slapped by nimble competitors like Netflix, Amazon, and even video rental “hobbyist” Apple. It’s hard to believe the once-invincible Blockbuster has actually lost ground to such strip mall mainstays as Foot Locker and Big Lots (#428 and #436 respectively).

Fun fact: though the Fortune 500 gets all the attention, the magazine actually ranks businesses all the way down to #10,000. The bottom five in this year’s list:

9996: Burqua Barn (Saudi based sportswear company)
9997: E-Cola (unfortunately named energy drink)
9998: Bed Bath & Begone (also ranked worst customer service)
9999: Abe Vigoda’s Asian Sex Tours, Inc.
10000: LiveNudeBallmer.com

Tip: iPad printing

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-15T23:31:41-04:00

One of the most frustrating iPad deficiencies solved! Get a better look here.

Tiger comes to iPad

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-05T22:04:37-04:00

iPad vs. Blendtec -- will it blend?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-05T21:23:56-04:00

The incomparable Tommy Dickson does the legendary “Will It Blend?” test on the iPad. The Parental Advisory is for the violence required to make the tablet fit into the relentless maw of the world’s most badass kitchen appliance, the Blendtec Total Blend. Click here to view the demolition derby -- and stand by for pod smoke.

Ten iPad snap judgements

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-04T12:15:05-04:00

24 hours with the iPad is hardly enough to really shake down the New Hotness. But here are ten of the MacInquirer’s initial hands-on notes:

1. Solid. The aluminum unibody/glass construction is a tad heavier than we expected. This gives an impression of solidity and quality, and makes it a handy bludgeon should you need to club your pain-in-the-ass Dancing With The Stars partner during a rehearsal.

2. Smooth. Maybe too smooth. Butterfingered users will probably want to invest in a protective case of some kind. Dropsies would be hazardous to the iPad’s long-term health, especially that big honkin’ piece of glass covering the display. And while we’re on the subject...

3. Jonny Ive still doesn’t do cases. Apple apparently hired the same guy who did the original Kindle case to do their iPad cover. The neoprene has a grippy microsuede feel to it, but the seams around the edges give it a cheap, 1980s vibe that sucks all the cool away from the embossed logo on the cover. The cases’s cutouts for ports and switches are way more puckery than we’d expect from the world’s greatest industrial design team. Pros: It fits. Cons: It’s clunky, has no pockets of any kind inside the cover, and the multi-fold gimmick only works as a low-profile landscape stand. For stability’s sake, you wouldn’t wanna use this in portrait mode. In other words, look elsewhere for your long-term iPad case.

4. Oleo-WHAAAT? Unless you’ve just scrubbed up like a heart-surgeon, it only takes about ten minutes of use for the iPad screen to look like the window at the Today show during a Jonas Brothers interview. Maybe we’re just greaseballs in general, but Apple’s magical oleophobic coating was no match for our grubby digits.

5. Oooo -- shiny! While the display fully justifies its rave reviews on brightness, viewing angle, and clarity, this sucka is is definitely glossy. Not great for outdoor use. For reading ebooks at the bus stop, the Kindle’s monochrome display is still the king of the hill in this department.

6. Walled Garden 2010. Unless it’s in your iTunes/iPhoto library, loading content is also problematic at this point. We assume the iPad Camera Connector kit will alleviate this a bit once it hits the streets. Dropbox -- our current cloud storage solution of choice --seems to play as well with the iPad as it does with the iPhone.

7. Printing? Good luck with that. Pages for iPad can create beautiful docs, but printing them is a bit of a challenge thus far. There are a handful of App Store solutions that promise iPhone/iPad print compatibility, but being generally lazy and cheap, we haven’t investigated any of them yet.

8. iPhone games actually look pretty good with the 2x zoom function. Our beloved copy of Tris -- the late, lamented, copyright-infringing Tetris clone -- is perfectly playable in zoom mode. Having said that, the folks at Popcap should still keep Peggle HD on the fast track.

9. The built-in speaker is surprisingly good. It’s not stereo, but it’s not bad.

10. All accelerometer-aware apps are not created equal. Game Table, for example, only rotates in one direction, which means you’re forced to orient the iPad with the home button on the right when using landscape mode. Developers should be aware of this wrinkle when programming screen rotation into their apps.

The above should not be taken as contrarian Enderle-style nitpicks. We’re more than happy with the first-generation iPad, and look forward to pre-ordering Version 2 (the one with an actual camera in the chassis’ camera hole) as soon as it emerges from the Cupertino Skunkworks. Excelsior!

Sync then swim

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-03T11:29:27-04:00

Stand by for action.

BTW, the screen’s not goobered up with finger grease already -- that’s the chalkboard background.

iPad unboxed

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-03T11:24:48-04:00

Okay, so we took ‘er out before we snapped the pic. This is no time for restraint.

iPad TV moment

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-04-01T08:35:58-04:00

Phil Dunphy -- the ultimate early adopter -- gets an iPad on ABC’s “Modern Family.” An absolute classic.

Top Ten "Explicit" iPad Apps

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-31T15:42:43-04:00

The saga of the rumored “Explicit “category in the iTunes App Store has more surprising twists and turns than a bedtime story by ex-Congressman Eric Massa. Our mole inside the Cupertino Mothership says the internal debate is still raging, with the fate of dozens of adult-oriented iPad titles hanging in the balance less than a week before the new product is released.

Whether or not the category itself ever makes an official public appearance, our source confirms the following as the App Store’s Top Ten “Explicit” titles among iPad reviewers and internal testers:

Family Bejeweled
Super Monkeyballs
Pants vs. Zombies
Titris
MILFbusters
Megan Fox Teaches One-Handed Typing
Reversi Cowgirl
Pocket Cod
Diki Wiki
Muthaflickr

(Sophomoric? To be sure. But if SNL can get Bobby Frickin’ Deniro to read off a list of terrorist names that include “Hous Bin-Pharteen,” then we feel perfectly comfortable making a few weener jokes when the occasion calls for it.)

Dotcomic: Mr. Sulu for Sharpple TV

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-28T12:02:40-04:00

Behind frenemy lines

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-27T14:41:33-04:00

(image: Gizmodo)

Apple capo de fruity capi Steve Jobs shared a cuppa joe with former ~~mole in the camp~~ Apple board member Eric Schmidt of Google on Friday. The summit took place at Calafia in Palo Alto, a watering hole that’s reportedly owned by former Google chef Charlie Ayers. Gizmodo reports the pair decided to move their impromptu coffee klatch to a more private location after attracting the attention of several tech-savvy pedestrians in the area, including the one who snapped the pic above. It seems reasonable to assume one topic of the conversation was Apple’s rumored online advertising venture iAd. No word on whether Jobs asked Schmidt if he’s still a virgin, though the body language does suggest one of these guys was way more relaxed than the other.

Jobs does Oscars

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-08T20:20:43-05:00

Steve Jobs may not have gotten the red carpet attention of your George Clooneys or Sandra Bullocks, but Apple’s el jefe did make the scene at the Oscars Sunday night, as captured by what appears to be the world’s grungiest iPhone camera lens:

We’re not loving Guy Kawasaki’s new ‘do, but otherwise think Steve’s former lead Mac evangelist can do no wrong. Good to see them together again, if only for one night.

iPad TV!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-08T20:25:11-05:00

The iPad made its first TV ad appearance during ABC’s Academy Awards broadcast. If you missed it, you can click the graphic above to view the official online version at Apple.com. This thing appears to be the King Shiz for onscreen demos edited in the ADHD style that’s so popular with These Twitchy Kids Nowadays.

In case you were wondering, the music is The Blue Van’s “There Goes My Love,” which is available here. The lyrics make it easy to see why this song was Steve’s choice for the iPad’s coming out party -- the first verse in the ad goes like this:

Be Be the charming type
Take off your gloves
And show what they hide
Please take my naked wrist
With your hands and fingertips

Very fingery content, no? The second half of the verse gets even freakier, suggesting the kind of things an unscrupulous Apple Store employee might go for if an attractive female wants to get bumped to the front of the line on Launch Day:

And please baby get on your knees
Don’t bare bare bare your teeth
I’ll let you pry if you close your eyes
I’ll have an answer for your wives

We must confess that the first time we saw the ad, we thought the last part of that lyric was “I’ll have an answer for your ass” -- which would make it more of a non-sexual taunt from Steve to the vast legions of iPadophobes among the Punditocracy. We’re looking at you, John C. Dvorak.

Oscar Preview?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-07T13:22:15-05:00

Is it just us, or does ABC seem to be trying just a wee bit too hard to connect with Real America here?

Okay, we made it up. But if Dale Junior walks out tonight with Dame Helen Mirren...you heard it here first.

Mission: Implausible

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-07T12:07:12-05:00

Move over, Ethan Hunt -- a group of thieves operating with what authorities call “a high level of sophistication” invaded a New Jersey Best Buy and made off with an armload of high-tech booty -- and by that we don’t mean iJustine.

The team entered the Electronics Stuporstore™ by cutting a hole in the roof and dropping down in an area where security cameras were apparently blocked by an oversize banner advertising the type of marginal gizmos that is the store’s normal specialty. But the team’s sophistication apparently extended to their choice of loot -- they bypassed the rows of Dell Perspirons and made off with 20 MacBooks instead. We’re not the type to encourage larceny, but it is somewhat comforting to know this particular criminal enterprise knows how to Think Different.

One investigator called the heist “the most productive ten minutes anyone has ever spent inside a Best Buy.”

Gray market blues

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-07T11:51:13-05:00

The “free minds, free markets” thing in action. It’s like a real-world, possibly-felonious version of eBay!

From Flickr.

Apple Tablet: Unboxing Gallery

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-03-07T10:04:16-05:00

The iPad doesn’t arrive until next month -- but the Notepod is here now! One of our sources in Australia sent us a review unit of an Apple-style tablet that’s just hit the market. And by “review unit,” we mean we ordered one. Anyway, here it is:

Okay, it’s not actually a digital device -- it’s a 100-sheet iPad-shaped notepad. See some of the web’s first pix -- and a demonstration of the device’s graphics capabilities -- in our gallery here.

UPDATE: Just got a very nice note from Virginia Murdoch at Inventive Labs. She saw our comment about the extra-bendy nature of the Notepod, and says they’re planning a stiffer backing on the next batch. Another public service of MacInquirer: making the world better, one minor product suggestion at a time.

Rise of the Machines II: The Maiden-ator

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-23T00:19:34-05:00

Back in September, we shared part of a conversation with a source that claimed to have first-hand knowledge of the Apple Data Center, a server farm being built in Maiden, NC. It was, to say the least, disturbing stuff. If you missed it, go back and give it a quick read. We’ll wait.

Back already? You’re one fast reader.

Today, a low-quality video of a flyover of the Maiden site -- shot from a helicopter -- appeared on YouTube:

We contacted our source -- whom we’ll again call “T800” -- and he confirmed the authenticity of the whrlybird spy-vid. We asked if he could give us a brief rundown on exactly what we were seeing. He quickly responded with a handful of Keynote slides that reveal features of the Maiden server farm in greater detail than previously seen. Warning: the last few slides may leave you feeling a tad uneasy. Ready? Let’s take a peek:

Better pre-order that iPad as soon as they become available. You might not have much time left to enjoy it.

How dumb is your password?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-15T21:30:54-05:00

If your idea of an easy-to-remember tech password is “123456.” you’re not alone. That simple sequence is still one of the most commonly-used and easy-to-crack passwords in tech, according to an item in The Register.

Where do you fall on the Password Inscrutability Index? The chart below may help. It’s also a helpful personality-type profiler.

So remember, kids: if your password was ever a punchline in a Mel Brooks movie, you shouldn’t be using it:

Best. iPad. Hands-on. Video. Ever.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-15T21:04:39-05:00

Our friends at the excellent Unofficial Apple Weblog did some real yeoman’s work at last week’s Macworld Expo. At a set dominated by a pair of Blue Yeti USB microphones (read our Yeti review here), the TUAW team managed to find some pretty consistently good content to video-blog about. One of our all-time favorites: a hands-on with the yet-to-be-released Apple iPad.

Okay, actually, it wasn’t a real iPad, but an engineering mule mocked up by accessory manufacturer Hard Candy Cases, to help them design sleeves and whatnot for the upcoming product. So, what we have here is a hands-on review...of a prototype...that’s a mockup of an actual product. Can your gizmo do this -- even before it’s on the market?

Now if you’ll excuse us, we need to call our broker and buy some more Apple stock. Wow. Just...wow.

Keep your iPhone finger warm in the winter? There's a sausage for that.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-13T18:45:00-05:00

South Korea’s CJ Corporation recently noticed a wintertime spike in the sales of some of their frozen sausage products. Apparently, the eager buyers were iPhone users trying to keep their fingers warm.

The company says South Korean sausageophiles discovered that the product in question had an electrostatic profile similar to that of a human finger, which made it a perfect meat-stylus for gloved outdoor iPhone use in cold weather. As a bonus, users would presumably have a tasty snack for the train ride home.

It sounds a tad ridiculous, until you read the Google Translate version of the Korean news report. According to the story, “Max rods instead of your fingers if you use the pen to the increasing number rods, Max is under the spotlight's netizens.” (Well, of course. Why didn’t we think of that?)

According to a person described as the company’s “maekseubong gimminseop manager of brand managers,” the gang at CJ couldn’t be happier with their unexpected sales windfall. “This just fits the iPhone user base, while the poisonous celebrity, Max is on the stick.”

We couldn’t have put it better ourselves.

iPants

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-10T23:26:43-05:00

Macworld Expo: The Movie?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-10T00:11:15-05:00

Don’t wanna suggest that Macworld Expo 2010 will be a tad deader than usual, but...this is one of Apple’s 99¢ iTunes Movie Rentals this week:

iHat revealed?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-07T10:59:02-05:00

Steve Jobs is really rockin’ the hat thing lately. So much so, he’s thrown his considerable tech influence behind the idea of a web/email/multimedia center you wear on your head -- literally. From some really obscure French Mac site that gets one right occasionally, here’s an early prototype of the splash page for...the iHat. (Click the image for a larger view.)

(Okay okay, we know. Bear with us. One or two more should be enough to get this hat thing out of our system.)

Dotcomic: Say hello to iHat

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-07T10:58:41-05:00

Music: "Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat" by Bob Dylan

Beauties & The Beasts

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-06T21:58:52-05:00

Two rather surprising pieces of seemingly unrelated news broke in the past couple of weeks:

Apple, Microsoft discuss giving Bing top billing on iPhone
Kristin Bell and Dax Shepard engaged

Now that’s a pair of truly odd couples: Ballmer’s Google-Killer getting prime real estate on the iPhone? The wholesome beauty who played Sarah Marshall engaged to Frito from “Idiocracy?” This could be a brilliant celebrity branding opportunity:

As the old Chinese proverb goes, we’re living in interesting times.

Jobs Hat Pic II: Electric Boogaloo

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-06T21:27:15-05:00

Our source at the New York Times has shared another pic with us that goes a long way toward explaining the whole “Steve in a top hat” thing. Apparently, Jobs plugged the iPad in a literal song-and-dance number with Apple Hardware VP Bob Mansfield. It looked something like this:

So maybe Steve isn’t as stressed out as first reports indicated. If any NYT’ers got video of the presentation, we’d love to see it.

Jobs' "funny" NY hat revealed

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-02-06T20:40:57-05:00

Steve Jobs took the iPad road show to the Big Apple this week, where he met with various mucky-mucks at the New York Times and Wall Street Journal to discuss bringing their content to the Device That Will Change Everything.

Normally, an item like that would be ho-hummed by the MacInquirer staff, but one of the key sources for the story provided a bizarre detail that quickly piqued our curiousity: New York magazine reports that Jobs met with the Times folks wearing what they describe as “a very funny hat -- a big top hat kind of thing.”

Okay -- NOW we’re interested.

We texted a request for more info to one of our minions embedded deep within the bowels of the Gray Lady (hmm...that didn’t sound quite right). The hat thing is apparently 100 percent accurate. Our source even provided a picture snapped stealthily with their iPhone showing Steve and Apple COO Tim Cook waiting to meet with the multimedia department of the Times:

Looks like the pressure of launching the iPad is taking its toll. Either that, or Steve was also planning to demo a new close-up magic app for the Times folks. Stay tuned.

iPad Keynote: The Lost Slides

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-30T21:55:23-05:00

Thanks to the MacInquirer’s top-secret mole deep inside the Mothership, we’re proud to present a rare treat: iPhone pix from a Tuesday rehearsal before the iPad launch party, featuring ten slides that were actually dropped from the show for various reasons.

Dotcomic: Say hello to iPad

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-30T13:28:44-05:00

Say Hello to...iPad?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-27T13:46:04-05:00

Photo: Gizmodo

LIVE: MacInquirer at tablet event

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-27T12:24:16-05:00

LIVEBLOG PROVIDED BY FACETUBE
PAGE WILL AUTOREFRESH.
BUT FEEL FREE TO RELOAD ANYWAY -- WE NEED THE HITS.

9: 28 PST
NO CONNECTION

9:27 PST
TECH PRESS SUX!! YOU GUYS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF SELF IMPORTANT SONOFABI

9:26 PST
REALLY? NOBODY HERE HAS A SPARE IPHONE CHARGER?? REALLY??

9:25 PST
Probably shouldn’t have given my Mophie Juice Pack to that hottie at the Hilton last night...

9:24 PST
Okay, we’re back. 2 bars. Not great, but -- hey! “Low Battery?? 10% of battery remaining??” What the frack??

9:22 PST
NO CONNECTION

9:22PST:
About to reboot iPhone to refresh 3G connection. Standyby.

9:21 PST:
One bar? ATT sucks.

9:21 PST:
Could Andy Ihnatko have a BIGGER hat? What’s under there -- a satellite uplink?

9:20 PST:
Something smells like Oreos. Oh -- there’s Rob Enderle.

9:20 PST:
We’re at Yerba Buena, and we’re in. Press credential wasn’t even questioned. This is why we still love PrintShop Pro.

Tablet Day: Colbert nails it

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-27T09:53:47-05:00

All-Tablet's Eve: Former insider spills beans

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-26T22:02:14-05:00

Ed Eigerman, a former Apple senior systems engineer, tells Bloomberg News what it’s like to be on the inside of a big Apple product launch, in this case, the original iPod:

All-Tablet's Eve: Bad Pundit Flashback

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-26T21:03:24-05:00

A few vocal contrarians have been poo-poohing the idea of an Apple tablet for months. But veteran observers (and by that we mean, us) notice a certain...sameness about the comments of these skeptics. These are the guys who cut & paste the “too expensive, functionally crippled tech toy” boilerplate every time The Steveness pulls another game-changer out of his hat.

Think we’re exaggerating? How bout this: In the same way they scoffed before the iPhone, the infidels we’ll call Embracers of the Conventional Wisdom were also quite confident that Apple had pulled a major boner in 2001 by introducing a little thang we like to call...the iPod.

Thanks to Apple user and amateur tech historian “sleevesend,” here’s a medley of delightfully misguided instant reviews of the original iPod from the Apple Yahoo Stock message boards on launch day, September 23, 2001 . Replace ”iPod” with “tablet” and see if any of these sound familiar:

Nah, this would be stupid. Limited market.

It seems a bit of a waste to devote a Firewire disk device to loading MP3 documents. Isn't that a bit of a conflict with the iTunes disk burning application, and the ready availability of dozens of wearable CD music devices?

WAAAAYYYYYY overpriced for what it is and for the niche it is trying to find a home in.

Will Apple phanatics ever get a gut-full of handing over their wallet ?

Geez...Compaq's award-winning PDA is within a few bucks of this overpriced, overhyped iDud device.

Guess that's why the stock is tankin - and i ain't kiddin.

$399??!?! Sheesh...I can get an Xbox (or PS2) for that much.

I was definitely hoping for something more "revolutionary" given all the hype.

That's literally a down payment on a brand new car these days....half the price of an imac....half the price of a decent iBook on eBay...for a tiny piece of electronic that's essentially $150 by any other brand on a bad day at eBay or half.com ?

Is CEO Jobs insane in the middle of a full-blown recession or what is his basic problem

What Apple marketing idiot sets these price points ?

This is sooo lame...

Right-I’m going to give my kid one of these. NOT!

You've been tricked.

PRICE!! look up MP3 players in Cnet, not much over $200, the best buy (rio) is only $165.

I was really hoping for something that appealed to everyone, not just mac people, IMHO, this is a cool bummer.

what a joke....hahahahahahahahahahha....thanks jobs.

once again the faithful get screwed.

tock price, I sense, is already factoring in this dud. Apple thinks they can over-price their product line no matter what device they hype and trot out to us...they are screwing themselves by not only DESIGNING the product as Mac only, but then crowing about it.

This is the CUBE2 - no doubt.

the apple sheep have talked about nothing for the last week other than the new product release. they talked about how revolutionary, sleek, slick, dell killing, and, microsoft killing it would be. they talked about taking the wind out of the windows xp sails.......YOU ALL HAVE EGG ON YOUR FACE. HAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH.

bend over and prepare for innovation.

(Fun Fact: “Bend over and prepare for innovation” was later used by Microsoft in a Windows Vista TV ad featuring Dan Aykroyd as Beldar the Conehead.)

Pop culture insta-homage

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-26T11:26:11-05:00

Perfect sportswear for the Apple fanboi/Conan O’Brien fanatic:

Also available in poster-style. Get yours here.

"Behold his mighty hand!"

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-26T11:10:10-05:00

Analogies between the eagerly-awaited Apple Tablet and the original portable device from on high have been everywhere lately. And while there have been several Jobs-as-Moses Photochops that get the point across well, we think there’s nothing like the power of a well-rendered portrait, like this one from illustrator Dale Stephanos:

Even better: iPhone Savior reports that Dale’s offering 8x10 and 11x14 prints of the art here.

Tablet games revealed!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-25T18:45:57-05:00

An analytics company known as Flurry claims Apple (or somebody) has been testing the mythical iTab/iSlate/MagicSlate/MrSlate/TabSlate/whatever in an area near the Cupertino campus since last October. The Flurrians claim to have a breakdown of different app types being used, and suggest that the device will definitely have a consumer focus, with the number one category being “Games.” Fascinated, the MacInquirer emailed out contact deep in the bowels of Flurry (wasn’t that a Black Sabbath album title?) and pressed them for further details.

Consumer focus? Without a doubt. In fact, the beta test group appears to be composed entirely of the staff at Break.com. Here’s the breakdown graph on the Games category:

For some reason, we doubt Steve will be sharing that slide onstage at Yerba Buena on Wednsday.

Oh yeah -- it's on! (But...what is it?)

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-18T12:53:38-05:00

Apple had finally made it official -- they’ve sent select members of the Mac media elite email invites to a special event on January 27th. The relevant graphic looks like this:

The tagline implies a brand new product, not just a speed-bump of MacBook Pros or a preview of iPhone OS v4.0. But there are no clear clues to what the latest creation might be, unless you count the rounded-rectangle shape in the background. (Look -- it’s the same shape as a tablet! And the splotches spilling out over the borders of the rectangle suggest communicatio and sharing capabilities -- which means both Wi-Fi and multiple carriers for 3G!! Suck it, AT&T!!!)

Actually, the rectangle tells us nothing. At this point, neither do the multicolor paint splotches. You could make an argument that the clean white logo over the drippy blobs implies that the tablet market is a splotchy, disorganized, multicolor fustercluck, and that Apple sees itself eventually coming out on top of the whole mess with a clean, iconic design. Yeah -- we’ll go with that. Makes as much sense as anything else we’ve seen lately.

Extra-bendy tablet revealed

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-09T14:19:53-05:00

While we’re all eagerly awaiting the rumored arrival of Apple’s tablet computer later this month, there are a handful of other intriguing products in the pipeline, like the Skiff --a large-format touchscreen tab co-developed with Hearst Publishing. Hey Steve -- can your tablet do this?

Still a tad vapor-warey for our tastes, but an interesting idea nonetheless. Here’s hoping the Skiff people can bend the cost curve as much as the product itself.

iFart launches social network. Yes, really.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-05T23:30:17-05:00

iFart Mobile, the king of the hill of iPhone fart apps (and we can’t believe we just typed that either) has stayed on the -- ahem -- cutting edge of technology by providing frequent updates to their chucklehead product. The developers recently added in-app purchasing of downloadable fart upgrade packages. Available are such classy collections as the Rock Bands pack (featuring Aerosniff, Fartwood Mac, and Hubastink) and the Gassy Celebrities collection (with Methane McConnaghey, Gaston Kutcher, and Colon O’Brien).

Okay, we’re not talking Algonquin Roundtable here. But we love the campfire scene in “Blazing Saddles” as much as the next guy.

Now the iFart gang is introducing a social network for fartophiles. We’l let you discover the ridiculous details for yourself at the company’s blog. Basically, once one of your “Fart Budz™” has “friended” you, the iPhone’s -- ahem -- push technology allows you to send them a quick trouser cough anytime, anywhere. (No matter what you’re doing. And you’re stuck like that. Forever. It’s like a mobile phone version of getting an ill-advised tattoo.)

Can a fart app create a social network? Why not? Call it...Fartbook. Or if they add video uploading capabilities, they could launch You Toot. Or you could share a quick 140-character message on your latest blast via...something that rhymes with Twitter.

Stupid? You betcha. But it’s not the dumbest idea that ever brought a diverse group of bent-arrows together. (That would be this.) So high-five to the shameless capitalists of iFart, and here’s hoping they continue to -- ahem -- leave their mark on society.

Gear Review: The Blue Yeti

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-04T23:05:11-05:00

The Yeti
USB microphone
Blue Microphones
$149.95
@@@@@
4.5 out of 5 (We couldn’t figure out how to type a half-@.)

PROS: Great design. Four pickup patterns. Good balanced sound.
CONS: USB audio just shy of pro quality. Control knobs a tad jiggly.

Blue has become famous for its striking microphone designs, and the retro-modern USB Yeti is a worthy addition to the company’s product lineup.

The first thing you'll notice is what a beautiful, well-designed object this is. The Yeti has a solid custom desk stand that provides built-in cable management for headphone and USB cords. Despite its outdoorsy name, this Yeti is not the ideal choice for recording in the wild -- it’s really big and really heavy. But the swivel-stand arrangement allows you to rotate the body of the mic upside down into the base if you do need portability.

On the front: a mic mute button and headphone volume dial. On the rear, mic level control and a pickup pattern selector. The dials strike us as just a tad jiggly and plasticky for such an otherwise elegant design. On the bottom are the zero-latency headphone jack and mini-USB connector. The swiveling body makes accessing the USB and headphone ports a snap. Another thoughtful addition is a 5/8 inch threaded hole that allows you to remove the base and mount the Yeti on a standard microphone floor stand.

The Yeti houses a trio of mic elements to offer stereo, omni, cardioid, and figure-eight pickup patterns. The selections give the mic a versatile bag of sound tricks, whether you're recording a solo podcast, taping an interview or meeting, or laying down some vocals in GarageBand. The headphone amp doesn't exactly go to 11, but the mic delivers a pretty respectable output level. We're talking 16-bit USB audio, so the Yeti doesn't have quite the full warmth and sonic detail of a "real" large-diaphragm condenser like Blue's pro studio models. But the sound is surprisingly good for a USB mic, with much less noise than similarly-featured competitors like the Samson G-Track.

No drivers needed -- just plug in the included USB cable. On a Mac, select "Yeti Stereo Microphone" for both input and output in the Sound control panel of System Preferences. Configuring audio in/out in GarageBand's Audio preferences is a snap, too.

The Yeti displays minimal “boominess” on the low end when worked close, what audio pros call “the proximity effect.” To avoid P-pops and breath sounds, you might want to invest in a pop screen of some kind, though it seems a shame to put a big foam hat on top of such a beautiful head.

Did we mention how cool The Yeti looks sitting on your desk? The streamlined aluminum styling matches the finish of Apple's current product lineup quite well.

The Yeti's sound quality and multiple pickup patterns raise the bar a bit for USB mics, and leave even Blue's much-beloved Snowball playing catch-up. For the price, a product that looks and sounds this good is going to be pretty hard to beat. Highly recommended.

Dotcomic: Big Bang Theory

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-02T16:52:40-05:00

Apple tablet specs mystically revealed

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-02T15:03:25-05:00

Greetings, infidel technophiles. The aroma of your collective fanboi dreams of a new Apple gizmo has permeated my high-tech North African citadel. The MacSwami is here to clear the air with some early details about the upcoming Apple tablet computer.

It’s true: the Cupertino Skunkworks has finally come up with something Steve Jobs can enjoy while sitting on the toilet. MacSwami sees an official Apple tablet announcement at the end of January, with limited availability in late March. The main bullets:

-Oleophobic glass multitouch screen will be a larger version of the one in the iPhone 3GS. Screen size just north of ten inches. Will run a customized operating system somewhere between the iPhone OS and the full desktop/laptop version of OS X. Onscreen widgets will be slightly larger finger-targets than iPhone versions. For a preview, examine the revised horizontal scrollers in iTunes 9.

- Will be tied to the iTunes App Store like the iPhone. Jailbreakers will quickly figure out how to install their own apps. Among the first gray market add-ons: a hack that enables the use of Apple’s wireless keyboard. Speaking of which...

- No physical keyboard. Onscreen KB like iPhone, though its bigger keys will make it a bit easier for the bifocals crowd to use.

- Most iPhone apps will run, though they’ll need to be modified slightly to fill the full screen. (Leading fart-app developers are working overtime on this right now.)

-Communication capabilities will be similar to iPod Touch: Wireless networking, but no built-in phone capabilities. AT&T will announce an iPhone tethering plan for the tablet, but never deliver. Apple and AT&T will each drop hints suggesting the other is the problem. Full tethering will only arrive in mid-2011, when the tablet and iPhone become available from carriers that are not named AT&T.

- No memory card expansion slot. SD card support will make an anticlimactic appearance about 3 years down the road.

- 128 GB SSD for storage. 256 GB will be a ridiculously expensive option whose price will drop dramatically before the end of the year, generating an idiotic class-action lawsuit that will go nowhere.

- Single 3 megapixel camera with video capability, similar to current iPhone unit. Several key tech writers have already written the section of their reviews that whine girlishly about the lack of a second camera for iChat.

-Standard 1/8-inch headphone jack. Tiny, underwhelming stereo speakers. Port for charging and sync that appears to be identical to the dock connector on the iPod/iPhone, but will give you a scary “this accessory could blow up your tablet” warning if you try to use existing cables/docks. Tablet will necessitate an all-new dock/cradle ecosystem, most of which will be utter horsecrap. Only products from Griffin and one or two other companies will be worth even looking at.

- Full large-screen iPod functionality will goose sales of iTunes TV/movie downloads. Books will also be available. ala Kindle. “Enhanced” versions of the New York Times, Wired, Sports Illustrated, and various other dead-tree publications will be available at launch, at prices distressingly similar to newsstand copies. This will do little to stop the bleeding, and Old Media companies will continue to struggle.

- Kindle and Nook will both announce lower prices. It won’t help. Nook will bite the dust first, with Kindle hanging on a bit longer.

- Predictable humbuggery about the new device being “too expensive to succeed” will be accompanied by lengthy Apple Store lines at product launch and backorders of several weeks.

There is much more, but you are not ready to receive it now. MacSwami will reveal additional details soon.

Stay classy. But mostly, thanks for stopping by.

Video: Welcome to the Future!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-01T14:54:17-05:00

New Year’s Day is a time to reflect on the past, and ponder the future. And while most films predicting “the world to come” are laughably inaccurate, this rare black and white chestnut from the 1950s has turned out to be amazingly on-the-nose:

Pop! Fizzzzzzz.....Glug Glug...

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2010-01-01T00:02:11-05:00

Midnight singalong flowchart

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-31T17:38:03-05:00

New Years Resolution Generator

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-31T11:28:43-05:00

Chicago graphic designer Monina Velarde has a cool widget on her site -- an automatic New Years Resolution Generator. Can’t decide on a goal for 2010? Let the widget decide for you! Our personal choice:

We've been dissed by Captcha!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-30T23:24:12-05:00

We forgot one of our numerous website passwords yestrday. After one too many tries at the login box, we were punished for our poor recall skills by having to not only remember the correct password, but also prove we were a Real Human Being by copying a two-word phrase into one of those annoying little boxes called a Captcha.

The most memorable part of the incident was the two random words Captcha threw at us. The phrase was so arresting we actually took a quick screenshot to preserve it for future generations:

At first, we weren’t sure the second word was what it appeared to be, so we looked it up. Yup -- “coifed” is actually a proper variant spelling of the word “coiffed.” So, apparently Captcha has been peeking thru the webcam and doesn’t care for our hairstyle.

“Manson coifed” joins a growing collection of bizarre Captcha phrases we’ve encountered, including “poison trained,” “mostly Godhood,” and the vaguely inappropriate “Shanghai tween.” We’ve also been served a host of great rock band names like “archers mood,” “Action horde,” “towing vertigo,” and our all time favorite, “strategic jimmies.” That last one is so good we almost wish we’d stuck with those guitar lessons when we were younger.

If you’re in the market for a cool pornstar name or something catchy to call your new Death Metal combo, Captcha may be the Muse you’ve been looking for.

More Captcha oddities here.

Apple Tablet emits deafening buzz

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-30T13:56:10-05:00

Martin Peers of the Wall Street Journal joins the frenzied chorus by weighing in on the still-mythical Apple tablet computer: “Last time there was this much excitement about a tablet, it had some commandments written on it.”

(A good line, though not quite accurate, Biblically speaking. Israel was taken completely by surprise when Moses hosted the original tablet launch back in Exodus 32. )

Cupertino is famously no-comment on unannounced products. But to modify Peers’ analogy, we haven’t seen this much press talk about a new gizmo since just before the official announcement of the iPhone -- and we all remember how that one turned out.

It’s been almost comical to read gossipy reports that an unreleased, unannounced product has been “delayed.” And those like Peers who caution that the price of the tablet is too high -- before either the tablet or its price are actually announced -- are engaging in speculation of the most idle sort. Still, a guy’s gottta fill them column inches somehow.

Our bloated-from-the-holidays gut tells us there’s almost certainly something to all the rumors, though exactly what may come from Apple next month is impossible to know at this point. But that won’t stop the rumor mongers from mongering. (Or us for tsk-tsking them about it.) Enjoy the show, and we’ll see what pops up at Yerba Buena during the last week of January.

Mac goes gangsta

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-30T08:14:25-05:00

Apple prototype spotted in the wild?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-27T01:06:40-05:00

One of the MacInquirer’s oldest friends in the tech industry lives in Los Gatos, California, just around the corner from Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak. Our friend, who we’ll refer to as Keyser, tells us that the Woz is infamous around the neighborhood for strolling out to the paper box butt-nekkid to pick up his copy of the Weekly-Times. While this may be a disturbing revelation for some, we tend to think the contributions Woz has made to both modern computing and televised celebrity dance-offs have earned him the right to get away with just about anything.

Keyser recently sent us an iPhone snapshot of Woz on his morning stroll. Below is an enlargement of the relevant portion of the photo:

At first, we thought of this as a mildly amusing bit of tabloid folderol. But when we ran the pic through our trusty copy of Genuine Fractals 6, we got a surprising bonus:

Yes, ladies and germs, we have what appears to be the first verifiable example of the upcoming Apple Tablet outside the Cupertino skunkworks:

Word to the wise to customers waiting in line at the Los Gatos Apple Store this March: don’t feel the need to let Woz cut in line for Tablet #1. He’ll have already had one for weeks.

Five Most Awesome Christmas Cards

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-24T22:44:09-05:00

Five of our favorite “it’s so wrong but it’s so right” Christmas card designs.

1, Never order Christmas cards while doing mushrooms:

2. From the 1974 TV classic “Sly & The Family Stone’s Zombie Christmas”:

3. Mathias gets fourth billing on his first Christmas card.

4. The Christmas that Bob first got the gift of Enzyte:

5. Never order Christmas cards while your dog is doing mushrooms:

But seriously, folks...

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-24T22:05:21-05:00

Obligatory Christmas Parody Time!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-23T21:55:31-05:00

Every Who down in Tech-ville liked Christmas a lot
But the Microsoft Grinch up in Redmond did not
The Grinch was enduring a down Christmas season
A painful recession was part of the reason
But the real hitch that made Micro-Christmas a loser
Was their new OS upgrade -- a bit of a snoozer

The fancy new package was called Windows 7
A quick fix for Vista -- which stank to high heaven
The happy ads tried hard to make it inviting
The truth? Windows 7 was not that exciting
Despite the best efforts of Redmond’s sales elves
The new Windows sat gath’ring dust on the shelves.

The Grinch didn’t like where the market was heading
He said “I must keep Windows 7 a-spreading!”
So he whipped up a Santy Claus hat and a suit
Which gave him the look of an over-ripe fruit
He rode through Tech-ville in a ramshackle sleigh
Shouting “New Windows 7! Come upgrade today!”

But the Tech Whos ignored him...their tongues were a-clucking
“Apple’s the way to keep Christmas from sucking!”
They bought Macs and iPhones and iPods galore
While Zunes went unsold at the Microsoft Store.

The Tech-Whos chose Apple as their new OS
So Ballmer-Claus turned and slunk back to his nest
But he hissed as he slunk: “This ain’t over, my friend...
“Windows 8 coming in Two Thousand Ten!”

Welcome Tech-mas...bring new gear
Macs for tech heads far and near
Apple’s share is rising fast...
For Microsoft is still half-assed.

@The Movies: Avatar

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-20T23:58:21-05:00

The new CGI technology James Cameron created to make his long-awaited and much-hyped followup to “Titanic” may turn out to be a better monument to Cameron’s genius than the actual film itself. “Avatar” plays like a three-hour full-motion Keynote presentation on climate change where the happy ending is Al Gore actually turning into a tree.

We think we liked the plot better the first time, when it was called “Dances With Wolves.” Instead of Kevin Costner going Native American, “Avatar” gives us Sam Worthington becoming a ten-foot warrior Smurf. Though the effects in the 3-D version veer into “Dr. Tongue from SCTV” territory a bit too often, the visuals are undeniably stunning, and interact surprisingly seamlessly with the live action. But that’s where the good news ends.

The four-star feast for the eyes is driven by a surprisingly pedestrian script that hugs every shrub on planet Pandora and telegraphs every major plot development at least ten minutes early. The dialogue is full of ham-fisted howlers apparently intended to evoke parallels to America’s recent exploits abroad-- for example, “When people are sitting on top of something you want, you make them your enemy and take it!” The nod to the “blood for oil” school of political thought couldn’t be more obvious if Giovanni Ribisi had turned to the camera and twirled the corner of a handlebar mustache like some sci-fi Snidely Whiplash. (Speaking of howlers, the alien mineral at the heart of the plot is called -- we kid you not -- “Unobtanium.” After twelve years, this is the best Cameron can come up with?)

The real problem with the movie is that while the cartoons act like real people, the real people act like cartoons. Except for Worthington and his inner circle of high-tech fellow travelers, there’s nary a sympathetic human character to be found here. The bad guys are either heartless corporate tools or heavily armed Halo lookalikes as clueless as they are bloodthirsty. How could the only actual three-dimensional players in the movie end up so...one-dimensional?

If this puppy were a beer commercial, the tagline would be “Looks great -- less filling.”

Twitter hacked!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-18T12:31:52-05:00

A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army has reportedly pulled off a high-level hack attack on Twitter.com. Twitter’s DNS servers were apparently compromised, at least for a few minutes last night. Tweetophiles who visited the site were greeted by this unexpected Fail Whale splash graphic:

The bottom of the page displayed the following message, written in some sort of YouTube-comments-section version of English:

U.S.A. Think They Controlling And Managing Internet By Their Access, But THey Don’t, We Control And Manage Internet By Our Power, So Do Not Try To Stimulation Iranian Peoples To….
NOW WHICH COUNTRY IN EMBARGO LIST? IRAN? USA? WE PUSH THEM IN EMBARGO LIST ;) Take Care.

“Take care?” What kind of taunt is that? And a winky emoticon? Really? If the idea was to strike fear in the hearts of infidels, this one appears to be less than a grand slam.

There’s apparently a good bit of pre-existing bad blood between the Iranian Cyber Army and Twitter. The messaging site was a key tool used by dissidents in Iran during their protests of the recent Iranian elections. The US government intervened to make sure protesters had uninterrupted Twitter access to get the word out to the world about the protests. Last night’s attack may be a bit of payback.

Word to the wise: change your Twitter password. And if you use the same password for every site you visit, it might be time to think about changing those logins too.

More on this story as it develops.

Tablet concept vid revealed

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-17T17:19:15-05:00

An intriguing concept video of a proposed tablet magazine interface. Not a complete home run, but it’s intriguing nonetheless. We’re not sure why they hired that McHale guy from “The Soup” to do the demo. (He does a surprisingly convincing Anglo-Deutsche accent, but the beard has got to go.)

Geexmas Gift: Wrath of Zbornak

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-15T22:23:36-05:00

Got someone on your list who’s a fan of classic 80s TV? Here’s a real trip down memory lane: The Golden Girls Dorothy Zbornak Talking Bobblehead:

Despite its budget price, the figure is an almost perfect likeness of the legendary Bea Arthur, though the digitized quotes strike us as a tad obscure. We couldn’t remember the exact episode where Dorothy says “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee! For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee!” But it certainly does sound like something she would say.

Geexmas Gift: Metal-Detecting Sandals

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-15T21:15:21-05:00

You love the idea of finding buried treasure while strolling along your favorite windswept beach. But carrying a full-size metal detector makes you look less like dashing Captain Jack Sparrow and more like crazy Grandpa Henry. Hammacher Schlemmer to the rescue, with a pair of Metal Detecting Sandals. “Pair” is actually the wrong word, since only the right sandal actually has the built-in copper coil that uses something called “beat frequency oscillation technology.” The ankle-worn 9-volt battery pack actually gives you a third look -- Recently Released Inmate With Electronic Monitoring Bracelet. Which should keep casual curiosity-seekers away so you don’t have to split that trunk-o-dubloons with them.

Fun Fact: “Beat frequency oscillation” is also the title of the upcoming Kraftwerk reunion album.

Geexmas Gift: USB Eye Warmer

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-14T21:00:04-05:00

With a name reminiscent of three random tiles from a fridge-magnet poetry set, the USB Eye Warmer promises to “not only relax your eyes but also comfort your entire body.” A tall order for fifteen bucks. But it’s from usb.brando.com, so you know it’s quality product. Or not. The guy in the photo appears to be sleeping with his head against a plate glass window, so this one must be pretty good.

Dotcomic: Geek Like Me

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-13T16:13:17-05:00

This weeks Dotcomic originally appeared at Geek Like Me, a quality web destination that’s well worth a click or twelve.

Keep up the good work, Vincent. Or Vin. But never Vince.

Move over iPhone -- here comes...Coby?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-13T13:57:22-05:00

Some friends of ours in the media lab at Charlotte Christian School were recently contracted to produce a rollout ad for the upcoming iPhone Killer from the tech wizards at Coby. You’re welcome.

Geexmas Gifts: The Big Bang Dickey

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-12T16:18:22-05:00

Christians call it Christmastime. For our Jewish friends, it’s the season of Chanukkah. The hellbound pagans who walk among us know it as Two Weeks From This Past Friday. Whatever you call it, you’re probably gonna need a gift to give to somebody pretty soon. The MacInquirer proudly presents a collection of affordable gift ideas that your favorite technology aficionado will remember forever.

The Big Bang Dickey
All the fashion, with a quarter of the material.

CNet-looking product model aside, the dickie is a geek classic -- the perfect way to indulge your inner Howard Wolowitz -- though Howard would probably prefer more of a color selection to compliment his Skittles Rainbow fashion sense.

The black version worn outside a longsleeve white crewneck creates a look that says “ Hey world -- I’m a member of the Nuke-Worshipping Mutant Cult from ‘Beneath the Planet of the Apes!” And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

Dotcomic: It's an Ebook Christmas, Charlie Brown!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-06T10:25:36-05:00

Taobao rocks!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-05T12:21:40-05:00

Taobao.com, described as China’s biggest auction/shopping website, delivered a rather disappointing sales report for iPhone this week. iLounge says that Taobao has sold a total of...five iPhones. Five. Which is a pretty sad number, considering that the site has a potential audience of a billion people.

MacInquirer’s international researchers say there are probably several reasons for the low number:

- The Chinese iPhone has the wi-fi disabled
- Cheap iPhone knockoffs are more plentiful than chopsticks
- Most Chinese citizens don’t have credit cards
- Chinese PayPal is even nosier than the American version
- The country is stretched a tad thin from buying up massive amounts of American debt
- There’s just so much stuff to choose from!

That last item may be the most pertinent theory. While Taobao’s content is a tad opaque for people who don’t speak Mandarin, the Lorem Ipsum quality of the site allows English-speaking audiences to ignore the marketing copy and focus on the thousands of truly remarkable products being offered. Some of our favorites:

The lockable corkscrew/mini-shovel: Appears to require either C or D batteries, so it may have some sort of sexual function as well.

1. Santa Elvis Stick-On Sideburns. 2. Self-Powered Pressure Washer. 3. In-Car Magnetic Shelf, perfect for holding a recently-dunked iPhone knockoff and a blinged-out pack of NASCAR cigarettes.

A Lee Jeans promotion whose point is apparently meaningless to Occidental eyes.

And here’s a rare peek at the splash page for Taobao’s knockoff of the iTunes store. Top seller is “Visitors From The Sui Dynasty,” which appears to be some sort of mashup of “Harold & Kumar,” “Honey I Shrunk the KIds,” “Wall-E,” and a Tyler Perry movie where Medea becomes a Pentecostal minister.

Given such formidable competition, five iPhones starts to look pretty good.

Tiger's Xmas

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-12-03T22:16:44-05:00

Just got our first greeting card of the season from some old and dear friends. Merry Christmas, you crazy kids...

LEGO saves marriages!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-29T23:41:51-05:00

Mrs. MacInquirer recently peeped over our shoulder and said “What in the world are you doing -- and why?” When we tried to explain the site’s mission statement, she just got That Look On Her Face and walked sadly away.

But thanks to the tireless efforts of Trevor Boyd and Steve Ilett, who spent 440 hours working on the following video, our vital work is being seen in a whole new light around MacInquirer World HQ. Namaste, gentlemen.

All kidding aside, it really is an insanely great vid. More info and a side-by-side comparison with the original film sequence available here.

Dotcomic: Technological Basterds

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-28T08:58:23-05:00

Tablet doomed!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-28T08:00:08-05:00

Scott Moritz of TheStreet.com delivers an early Christmas present: a hilarious piece on why Apple needs a new hit -- fast -- but the Mac tablet isn’t it.

We had no idea iPhone and Mac sales were cratering. Or that Apple is betting the farm on a new tablet computer. Or that Apple has even announced a tablet computer. Or that the essential yet unannounced tablet’s release date “keeps getting pushed back.” Wait -- we didn’t know any of those things because...none of them are true! Doggone you, Scott -- you got us again, you scamp!

MS = GM?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-27T23:19:29-05:00

Jay R. Galbraith blogged for Fortune recently about the similarities between Microsoft and General Motors. The MS/GM analogy is actually quite apt, since both companies are

- Iconic names
- Former market dominators
- Run by management teams woefully behind the curve
- Dinosaurs being supplanted by more nimble species (Toyota and Apple)
- Makers of legendary examples of bad design (Pontiac Aztek and Microsoft Bob)

The day Steve Ballmer comes to Washington hawking some “too big to fail” snake oil, the resemblance will be perfect.

Dotcomic Preview

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-27T17:50:09-05:00

This weekend: they’re in the Windows-killin’ business. And business is good.

The Weekend Dotcomic -- only at MacInquirer.com. Where a basterd’s work is never done.™

Wired's poison pill for iTablet?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-27T16:28:06-05:00

There have been tons of recent rumors about several major newspapers and publishing houses pow-wowing with Apple about bringing their publications to the as-yet mythical iTablet. Wired magazine recently added fuel to the fire with a demo of a possible tablet edition of the high-tech monthly.

Apparently, the company plans to hamstring any future iTunes-style Apple dominance of the electronic publishing biz by annoying readers so badly they’ll decide to stick with the print edition. This will be accomplished by using the world’s most annoying acid techno-drone soundtrack to accompany the interactive content:

Seriously -- what’s up with that noise?

Keynote + iMovie = Holiday magic

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-27T11:43:26-05:00

Peter Yan creates a top-notch animated iPod holiday ad using only Keynote and iMovie. Very cool.

Find out how Peter did it here.

Scariest Mac vid ever

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-23T19:40:40-05:00

Dotcomic: Apple's 11

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-22T23:38:02-05:00

Danny Ocean and friends go tech shopping.

The Biggest Loser: Electric Slide Edition

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-17T22:43:20-05:00

Below is an example of some recent company-mandated "fun" at the new Microsoft Store, featuring a team of badly choreographed and surprisingly puffy faux hipsters that obviously weren't hired for their ability to cut a rug. The whole thing comes off as a cross between Dance Night at the local senior center and the world's worst Johnny Rocket's, minus the food. Brace yourself -- here it comes...

Steve Ballmer: Spokesmodel?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-16T20:16:30-05:00

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, who recently called Apple's marketshare growth a "rounding error" in his world (and if anybody should know about that sort of thing, it'd be a Microsoft guy), has just secured yet another big, fat government contract -- as a spokesmodel:

Bob Loblaw lives

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-16T17:40:24-05:00

An example of the dangers of unproofed templates in the newspaper business...

..which could also be a tribute to one of our all-time favorite TV character names:

Dotcomic: Tech Fiction

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-13T09:36:51-05:00

Vince Vega and Jules Winnfield debate the Mac vs. PC issue, Tarantino-style.

Simon Aldous = Flat Stanley

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-12T11:15:32-05:00

In a refreshing display of candor, Microsoft partner group manager Simon Aldous freely acknowledged Windows 7's debt to Mac OS X for the OS's revised look-and-feel. Microsoft wasted no time in throwing Aldous under the bus, calling his comments "inaccurate and uninformed." Aldous posted an update on his personal blog that says everyhting is "just fine" brtween him and the company, and even released a photo of himself posing beside a proof for the next MS print campaign for Windows 7:

Dotcomic Preview

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-12T00:18:02-05:00

This weekend, Macinquirer goes Tarantino:

The Weekend Dotcomic: Only on Macinquirer.com. We're tryin' Ringo. We're tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.™

Ah -- NOW I get it!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-10T08:37:15-05:00

The whole Social Media experience explained via a simple Venn Diagram.

More explainers here.

World Buzzword Record?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-09T21:26:25-05:00

This item may be close to some kind of record for most tech buzzwords in one sentence:

Worm rickrolls unsecured jailbroken iPhones via SSH

That, friends, is just about as close to perfect as you're gonna get -- until the day YouTube spreads XML malware to the Apple Tablet via a LOLcats/Boxxy mashup vid with a Jonathan Coulton soundtrack. Well done, TUAW!

Windows 7 -- burnin' down the house

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-09T19:49:39-05:00

The user in this Windows 7 ad from Australia may have bigger problems than spyware and malware on his PC.

"Brianiacs?"

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-09T17:00:45-05:00

Denver, Colorado finished fifth in a recent online listing of the brainiest cities in the US. The Denver Daily News apparently celebrated by handing the story over to a headline writer from...well, let's just say somewhere way further down the list:

Dotcomic: The Big Mac Lebowski

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-06T08:45:15-05:00

Apple and Microsoft had an intriguing exchange at Tech League Bowling Night. Many White Russians died to bring us this information.

Greatest dialog box ever!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-05T16:27:37-05:00

The makers of Twitter Peek, which is already being hailed as America's least capable mobile gizmo, have just made it easier to part with your money for a device of dubious utility by introducing GetPeek for iPhone. At the crucial moment in the transaction, the app presents the greatest dialog box in tech history:

Okay, we made it all up. But it would be refreshing, wouldn't it?

Steve Jobs goes back to the garage

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-05T14:32:44-05:00

From Fortune magazine's excellent gallery of rarely seen photos of Steve Jobs: In 1996, the wunderkind returns to the family garage where it all began 20 years before, and can't resist showing off the calligraphy skills he picked up at Reed College:

Dotcomic Preview

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-05T13:51:08-05:00

Coming this weekend: Apple and Microsoft go bowling. Mayhem and White Russians ensue:

The Weekend Dotcomic: exclusively at MacInquirer.com. You want a toe? We can get you a toe.™

Jobs iMac codenames revealed!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-05T11:36:54-05:00

Cutl of Mac has an interview with Ken Segall, a former creative director at TBWA/Chiat/Day, best known as Apple’s longtime advertising agency. The major focus is Segall’s claim to be the man responsible for virtually every major Macintosh marketing idea of the past decade and a half. Says Ken “I’m the author of the Think Different campaign, and the guy who came up with the whole ‘i’ thing, starting with iMac.”

It sounds a lot like a guy who’s now stuck creating web ads for Dell reliving his Glory Days, though Segall does drop the revelation that Steve Jobs originally hated the name iMac, and had a list of his own names -- which the rest of the team thought were absolute high-tech horseapples. He describes one Steve-generated name as so bad “it would curdle your blood.”

Okay -- now we’re interested.

Ken doesn’t get specific about the SteveNames, but thanks to a guy we know who used to ride-share with a chick who once dated the landscaper at One Infinite Loop, we’ve managed to track down a copy of Steverino’s original baby-name list for the iMac. With apologies to David Letterman, here they are...

Steve Jobs’ Top Ten iMac Name Suggestions Rejected By Ken Segall

10. Avatar
9. Synergy
8. MacNext
7. Rounded, Flattened Cube
6. Lisa 97
5. James Bondi
4. MobileMe
3. MacGoldblum
2. Chumby
1. iPod

Drive your car? There's an app for that.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-05T01:56:33-05:00

In "Tomorrow Never Dies," James Bond got out of a sticky situation by driving his car with his cell phone while hunkered down in the floorboard to avoid Kalashnikov rounds from Russian spies. (Or something. It's been a while since we've seen the movie.) Thanks to some wacky German gadget geeks at the University of Berlin, you may be able to recreate 007's amazing feat in real life using...your iPhone. The video below explains it all. Except, of course, why you'd ever want to do it.

It tweets. And that's all.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-11-05T01:18:03-05:00

First there was Peek, the handheld device that only does email. Then came Peek Pronto, the handheld that only does text messaging. Now, the single-minded gadgeteers at Peek Inc. have announced a third device called Twitter Peak, that only does...Twitter.

The gizmo lets users post 140-character bon mots to their Twitter account and find out what Ashton Kutcher had for breakfast at a moment’s notice. That’s it. No distracting email checking or phone conversations. Just...Twitter. How much would you pay for all this marginal functionality? Would you believe...a hundred bucks? That ill-spent Benjamin will also get you six months of Peek’s unlimited Tweet-anywhere mobile service. After that, it’s $7.95 a month. Or, if you’re gullible enough to pay $199, you get lifetime free Peek Tweet service! It’s not quite clear whether “lifetime” means yours or the device’s. But either way, if Twitter Peek is appealing to you, you really need to get one. A life, that is.

Dotcomic: It's the Great Upgrade, Charlie Brown!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-30T00:41:01-04:00

Dotcomic: Ballmer on Today

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-25T23:06:12-04:00

The Windows 7 Whopper?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-23T13:05:42-04:00

Microsoft has apparently partnered with Burger King in Japan to create the most bizarre technology ad ever. Would you believe...a 7-patty Whopper?

Something tells us Ballmer approved this one personally.

Windows 7 goes Kamikaze on live TV

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-23T12:51:54-04:00

A Japanese TV show rolls a live demo of Windows 7 that, to put it mildly, didn't go well. For the demo guy, this was undoubtedly the longest two-and-a-half minutes of his life.

We're relieved they didn't ask lead spokesperson Kylie to do the demo. We hate to see children cry.

Dotcomic: Dr. House gets tech support

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-16T11:16:58-04:00

MS retail video leaked?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-16T10:36:25-04:00

Microsoft has been widely snickered at in Mac circles for their plans to open a chain of company-branded stores to compete with Apple’s wildly successful retail juggernaut. The prevailing take is that Microsoft’s effort is a bit like your Dad slapping on a pair of Abercrombie skinny jeans and a Kings of Leon t-shirt to prove he’s still “with it” like the cool kids. (Which is not true at all: the outfit is more like a pair of K-Mart “Faded Glory” carpenter jeans and a Larry the Cable Guy t-shirt. )

So besides gi-normous Halo clips in HD, what will customers see on those rumored 94-inch floor-to-ceiling screens at the new franchise? How about technology demo videos of upcoming MS products? Like this one, leaked from this guy that knows a dude whose sister dates a guy who used to deliver sandwiches to an ad agency that was once sorta involved with the store project:

Of course, if Ballmer & Co really wanted to encourage cutting edge innovation, they should just give a couple of these gizmos to the people who drive almost every high-tech innovation from the VCR to downloadable web video: the nation’s porno producers. Big-Ass Table? Niche product. Big Ass-Table? Now we’re talking!

Dotcomic: 30 Rock goes PC

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-09T09:25:39-04:00

To celebrate the upcoming it's-about-frackin'-time season premiere of one of our favorite TV shows, we proudly present a lost scene from 30 Rock:

Season 4 of 30 Rock (finally) begins Thursday at 9:30 on NBC. You want to go to there.

And speaking of that "whole workflow is Mac-based" thing, here's a classic Geeky Lemon moment from Season 3:

Say hello to iPoo

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-05T19:18:06-04:00

With Apple Tablet Fever sweeping the world like a high-tech version of the H1N1 virus, the iTab is starting to look more and more like a realistic possibility. But before the device can nuke the netbooks and kill the Kindle, it will have to win over the toughest test market of all -- Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

The NY Times reports that the Cupertino skunkworks has been working on the concept of an Apple-branded tablet computer since at least 2003, but Jobs has shot down each successive incarnation by asking what they were good for besides surfing the web on the toilet. (One assumes the Steveness had a much more forceful and colorful version of that question.)

A guy who used to date a girl that once boinked a former employee of the Apple tablet team now says that, in a typical game-changing move, Apple has decided to create a family of products based on toilet web surfing. The MacInquirer is pround to present a rough cut of the introuctory video for one of the upcoming products. Say hello to iPoo:

We've never seen Bob in one of these before, but we think Apple should get him to do all their online training vids.

Worst contest ever?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-04T19:50:57-04:00

You guys haven't exactly been blowing our doors off in MacInquirer's first-ever funny video contest. Below is the sole entry we've received so far, from TMI forum member DocEmmettBrown. (Warning: once you see this video, it will be impossible to un-see it.):

If things don't pick up soon, we may have to rethink the whole "we'll leave the content in your capable hands" thing.

Ballmer Edition Windows 7 unboxing

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-04T11:29:32-04:00

As a public service, the MacInquirer held our nose and signed up to host a Windows 7 Launch Party later this month. This entitled us to what we were really intererested in: the Steve Ballmer Edition of Windows 7 given to Launch Party hosts.

Our Ballmer Edition kit arrived yesterday afternoon. Here's the surprisingly understated Windows 7 disc box:

A look at the basic contents and documentation in the kit:

Other Ballmer-related goodness includes a set of Ballmer flash drive cozies in assorted colors for your party guests:

We also got a five-pack of limited-edition Ballmer t-shirts -- all XXL of course:

And a coupon for a 6-foot Philly cheeseteak combo from our local Great Steak & Fry Company at the mall food court:

We may not actually host the party -- but the Philly was delicious.

Dotcomic: Star Whoops

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-02T12:59:06-04:00

Act III of the original Star Wars film has a distracting detail that's always bothered us.

Disturbing Google trend

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-01T17:20:24-04:00

Google reveals a search trend that doesn't bode well for the long-term survival of humankind:

Don't miss So You Think You're a Supermodel Vampire Pharmacist -- Tuesdays on FOX!

Make funny video. Win free stuff.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-10-01T16:25:25-04:00

The MacInquirer is looking for the best Mac humor video on the planet to feature on our blog. We don't have time to produce it ourselves, so we're asking for your help. If your video is the best, we’ll reward you for your efforts with some Mac software goodness in the form of a free-as-in-beer copy of iWork 09. (Because, y'know, don't you have some REAL work to do?)

Tutorial parodies, TV and movie spoofs, personal rants -- we’ll leave the content up to you. Just make it funny -- and keep it to 2 minutes or less. The exact Macintosh-relatedness of your video is something we’ll leave in your capable hands. If snarky-blog-lovin’ Mac users would find it entertaining, then that’s good enough for us.

Fire up your copy of After Effects, Motion, Final Cut or your favorite movie app and create an entertaining Macintosh-related video. Actually, you can use any hardware/software you want as long as your final product meets our Mac-friendly format guidelines.

Complete details and official rules after the jump.

Cnet + Windows 7 = Comedy Gold

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-30T19:17:41-04:00

The fact that they actually call this a "quick tip" tells you everything you need to know about both Windows as an OS and Cnet as a reliable guide to technology. An unintentional comedy classic.

Extreme Makeover: Snarky Blog Edition

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-29T19:43:43-04:00

Through the magic of CSS, MacInquirer just got a slightly more upscale Web 2.0 style makeover. Our new look is from Elixir Graphics, whose skinning talents are among the best in the biz. A few collagen injections in our web badges and we're all set to break hearts just like Courtney Cox on Cougar Town.

Apple cracks the Top 20

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-28T06:40:10-04:00

Businessweek has released their annual list of the 100 Best Global Brands, and everyone’s favorite high-tech fruit company has finally cracked the top 20. Apple jumped four places to 20th in the latest report, beating out such familiar names as Pepsi, American Express, and Nike. Microsoft managed to maintain third place despite dropping four percent in the first year-on-year decline in the company’s history. The top ten global brands:

1. Coca-Cola
2. IBM
3. Microsoft
4. GE
5. Nokia
6. McDonalds
7. Google
8. Toyota
9. Intel
10. Disney

Businessweek’s bottom five brands in the global marketplace:

95. PJ Asperger’s Sports Bar
96. Peanut Eminems
97. Hannah Montana Stripper Pole Playset
98. Zune Danish Frozen Turnovers
99. Call of Diddy IV: The BET Awards
100. LiveNudeBallmer.com

Google Voice? No. Boobies? Si!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-28T06:38:47-04:00

Apple has approved the first porn apps for the iPhone. Grindhouse Media's free and premium versions of apps featuring clothing-optional entrepreneurs Sunny Leone and Aria Giovanni are now available for download. Says Giovanni: "I'm thrilled with my new app and can't wait for version 2.0 to hit the App Store. It's going to blow my fans away."

Suddenly, the oil-resistant coating on the iPhone 3GS screen makes a whole lot more sense.

Dotcomic: Kylie learns to Google

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-25T10:01:56-04:00

All slide quotes actual and documented. Hello Kitty, Spongebob Squarepants, Blue's Clues, and Dora the Explorer © their respective companies. Steve Ballmer is a big sweaty idiot.

Eminem pulls slim, shady move

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-25T09:33:40-04:00

Eminem is suing Apple. Again.

Eight Mile Style LLC, the rapper’s music publishing company, has filed suit in a Michigan court over Apple’s sales of what's described as Eminem’s "music" on iTunes. The company claims Apple never obtained proper permissions to offer the content, and is seeking damages. This despite Apple’s payment of $2.5 million in royalties, including $466,915 from “Lose Yourself,” the biggest hit from the soundtrack of the hip-hop film “8 Mile.” Eminem’s record company, Aftermath Records, is also named in the suit. Apparently, Shady's strategy is to sue everyone who's ever written him a check.

What’s Eminem thinking? There are several possibilities:

He’s afraid iTunes will hurt his overall sales. Since iTunes is the number one music retailer in the world, this is a rather idiotic assertion. Would Stephen King sue to keep his latest book off Amazon.com because it might ding his numbers at Books-A-Million?

He’s involved with some kind of dustup with Aftermath, and pulled Apple in to help his case. Dumb, but possible.

He’s opposed to iTunes on principle. It’s hard to imagine the guy who actually took money for writing “The Real Slim Shady” has any principles.

He’s hoping for a settlement that will give him a better deal with iTunes. Hmm...

He’s a money-grubbing publicity whore whose sales are slowing down and sees a chance at an easy payday. The plaintiffs are also asking for a portion of Apple’s profits from the sale of iPods So...double-hmm...

Where’s Bruno when we really need him?

MS announces Suckerware Parties

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-24T13:06:56-04:00

Microsoft has apparently decided that "viral marketing" means "assembling a group of demographically-balanced suburbanites to hold a high-tech Tupperware Party." The unfortunate results of the idea:

Tivo goes gangsta

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-24T11:54:36-04:00

The conceptual geniuses who created Tivo have spent the last decade locked out of the company's strategic planning meetings. Despite the magical TV box's enthusiastic adoption by tube lovers from Oprah to the chairman of the FCC -- who famously called Tivo "God's machine" -- the corporate masters of the original DVR have allowed it to languish in the shadow of vastly inferior ripoffs pushed by America's crap-tastic cable companies.

A recently leaked mockup from an ad agency presentation suggests that Tivo may be about to raise its profile and grab some much-needed mindshare:

Now that's more like it. As longtime Tivo-heads, the staff of the MacInquirer applaud this "get medieval" concept, and look forward to future installments. Ad model "MC Escher" might generate more streed cred if he lost the metallic aqua Cherokee, but you know what they say about the journey of a thousand miles...

Crappy cell phones kill

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-24T11:29:43-04:00

Five minutes of awesome: a special report on how crappy cell phones and bad mobile service can actually kill you:

One wonders how many AT&T customers have to die before the Death Star spends some of their iPhone money on upgrading their network.

Dotcomic Bonus: Kylie's ad blooper

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-21T00:36:29-04:00

Kylie from the new Windows 7 ad hits a slight glitch:

The Pete Rose of Tech?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-21T00:35:59-04:00

In an interview with PBS host Charlie Rose last week, Sprint CEO Dan Hesse paid what appeared to be a high compliment to the iPhone. Asked if the Palm Pre is making a dent in the mobile phone market, Hesse had this to say:

"Aaah... It's-it's doing well, but you can almost put the iPhone, to be fair, in a separate category. The Apple brand and that device have done so well, it's almost not... it's like comparing someone to Michael Jordan."

PBS sources say that in the full-length interview, Hesse offered up several other sports-related tech analogies:

"Palm had everything going for them at one time, but their crack-addled antics have sadly overshadowed their considerable talents. They're the Darryl Strawberry of the mobile industry."

"Dont get me wrong -- Google's good. But their me-first attitude and sense of entitlement makes them unpopular in the biz. They're the Kobe Bryant of Silicon Valley."

"The RIAA really screwed themselves in the public's eye when they decided to attack their own customers. They're the Ron Artest of industry interest groups."

"Windows 7 is the same old damaged goods with a fresh coat of lipstick. It's the Dennis Rodman of desktop OSes."

And our personal favorite...

"Microsoft is the Pete Rose of tech: bad business practices, bad hair."

Worst. Marketing. Ever.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-20T14:23:30-04:00

For the rollout of its campaign for Windows 7, Microsoft has abandoned their "clueless would-be hipsters and cheapskates" concept and turned their marketing over to a 7-year-old girl:

CEO Steve Ballmer, clad in a sweat-stained pink "Hello Kitty" t-shirt, proudly unveiled the new ads at a special Microsoft event at a Redmond, Washington assisted living center on Friday.

UPDATE: We almost forgot to mention that the music in the ad (Europe's "The Final Countdown") is the same theme used by hapless amateur magician Gob Bluth on "Arrested Development." And the ironies just keep on comin'!

Acronym Wars

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-20T10:32:33-04:00

Do the 30-second previews on iTunes constitute a “public performance” that entitles songwriters and composers to a royalty payment? That’s apparently the position of the Songwriters United for Knowledge of Equitable Revenue Sharing, a composers’ rights organization.

The increasing industry acceptance of this borderline-psychotic contention was revealed in a recent interview with David Rezner, CEO of Universal Music Publishing Group and co-chairman of the Department of International Companies Hailing Every Additional Dollar Source. Says Rezner: “In the US, while we do get paid a mechanical licensing fee from iTunes, we are not getting any performance income from Apple yet.”

The songwriters and music labels are hoping to promote their common interests by creating a new organization called Society of Companies United for Music Being A Generous Zone.

A spokesman for the Bureau of American Standards To Ensure Righteous Digital Sales says the trade group is lobbying Congress for the payment of performance royalties for iTunes previews, even though a 30-second snippet of a song only qualifies as a “public performance” if a consumer is streaming the previews at full volume in a Starbucks on a MacBook Pro hooked up to a Bose Wave Music System plugged in behind the frappucino machine.

So, as usual, the situation in the music business is dominated by SUKERS, DICHEADS and SCUMBAGZ, and supported by money-grubbing BASTERDS.

And yet, for some reason, everybody still says the problems faced by the industry are all Apple’s fault.

Dotcomic: Dick Move of the Week

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-18T11:50:47-04:00

Update: Breathable pants?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-18T00:01:06-04:00

An instant analysis of the MacInquirer's RSS content, courtesy of the amazing wordbots at Wordle:

We're not all that surprised to see "Apple" and "Store" at the top of the most-frequently-used words -- though it's interesting that after that it's apparently a 77-way tie between stuff like "cancer," "nutjob," and "upper-body-covering." We shudder to think what this reveals about the editorial staff's state of mind.

Buzzword-a-palooza

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-17T18:57:58-04:00

This video is really great. Amazing. Incredible. Easy. Et cetera.

==

Dotcomic Bonus: When Memes Collide!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-17T18:24:52-04:00

Is the Apple Store steppin' out?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-13T23:12:21-04:00

Yipes -- it appears Mrs. Apple Store found a strange number in the Apple Store's pants pocket. The following screen appeared briefly at store.apple.com this evening:

Hope he doesn't try that "must be a MobileMe glitch" explanation. If you're reading this, Apple Store -- don't fall for that "I won't get mad if you just tell me the truth" trick. This is gonna be ugly. But it's your own fault.

UPDATE: Ugly indeed. A mutual friend tells us that Apple Store is spending the night at Amazon.com's house tonight.

Move over, Slanket...

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-13T14:30:04-04:00

Tired of the glossy screens on current Apple products? Presenting the Laptop Burka, an upper-body-covering shroud that eliminates glare when using your shiny new MacBook Pro outside, or your Apple Cinema Display in bright indoor environments. It has the added benefits of reducing your risk of skin cancer and making you look like such a nutjob that no one will want to talk to you, which means greater workday productivity. Celebrities, fair-skinned IT people, relocated Federal witnesses, and squinty folks of all types will love this breathable fabric marvel. Despite the name, the device is NOT recommended for women in countries ruled by authoritarian Islamic regimes -- because the lower legs and ankles of the user are still plainly visible.

And before you ask -- yes, this is absolutely for real.

Wrong. So wrong.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-12T00:18:24-04:00

An unfortunate juxtaposition placed by the ad-bot at the Wall Street Journal earlier this week:

We're not sure which is worse: that it happened, or that we're calling attention to it.

UPDATE: The apologetic headline didn't innoculate us. Apparently, we're a "jacktard," Which Urban Dictionary defines as something in the same category as "dickweed" and "dillhole." In case we weren't clear: this isn't a Photoshop job, it actually happened.

Dotcomic: Beatles Week

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-11T22:57:56-04:00

To celebrate all the big Beatles news this week, we're releasing our MacInquirer Dotcomic a couple of days early. Cheers.

Dotcomic: Homer Switches!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-05T13:03:42-04:00

A Labor Day special from the MacInquirer archives: Homer switches to the Mac.

The Simpsons™ and ©FOX and its related entities

There's a app for dat, shorty

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-04T09:54:47-04:00

Cher’s “Do You Believe” started the whole ugly business back in 1998. After a brief respite, the infamous audio gizmo known as Autotune has made a comeback in popular music, thanks (or not) to hip-hop impresario T-Pain. Now a new app called I Am T-Pain fills a much-needed void and brings Autotune to the iPhone:

App Store resident Bikini Fart was quoted as saying "Oh, but I'm stupid."

We don't believe in Beatles. We just believe in we.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-09-01T00:03:42-04:00

Apple has finally confirmed a Special Event for September 9, at the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts theater in San Francisco. New iPods? Most likely. Apple tablet? Probably not. Beatles on iTunes at last? Well, the front of the initial invitations had the tagline "It's only rock and roll, but we like it." Which Ringo has performed exactly once, on the All-Starr Band tour in '92, and he made Burton Cummings do the vocal. Burton Cummings. If that's not discouraging enough, a second set of invitations went out this evening featuring this artwork:

We still blame Yoko.

Apple Store down, then up again

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-31T23:40:09-04:00

8:41 pm to 9:03 pm: Tonight's odd "the Apple Store is down" message greeting visitors at store.apple.com:

You'd think they could take care of this kind of stuff on their own time. Plus...Staples?

Top 5 Weirdest Features on Facebook

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-31T22:57:53-04:00

Five things about Facebook that the MacInquirer just don't quite understand:

The Poke. Seriously, WTF?

That “pop” sound when stalkers send you an IM.

Bizarre icons: Who puts a picture of romanesco broccoli on a birthday greeting?

Virtual gifts: The other day, someone named Peter Gozinya sent us a free ride in an unmarked panel van with no windows. That sport drink in his cooler tasted funny, too.

The “Which Manson Family Victim Are You?” quiz. (We've always thought of ourselves as the Wojciech Frykowski type, but apparently, we're coffee heiress Abigail Folger.)

OMG -- it's the Apple-ocalypse!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-31T21:37:26-04:00

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
- Han Solo

John C. Dvorak, whose punditry is roughly as accurate as the original lens on the Hubble Space Telescope, has given Apple his dreaded vote of confidence in his latest column at marketwatch.com. The money quote:

“Apple Inc. seems to be the only tech stock with the kind of support that can take it back to precrisis prices with little effort. If Steve Jobs can stay alive and finish the currently rumored notepad computer, I see no reason why the stock can't get to $200 or higher.”

The fact that Dvorak is the one making these predictions means several things:

- The rumored Mac tablet will never be finished.
- Within 12 months, the Palm Pre will become the number one mobile phone in the world.
- The Beatles will bypass iTunes and make their long-awaited downloadable debut exclusively on the Zune HD.
- Apple will experience a selloff of at at least 40 percent.
- Steve Jobs is not long for this world.

This is extremely bad news. And on a Monday, no less.

Apple Store hung over?

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-30T21:33:24-04:00

At 9:15 PM EST, this message appeared at store.apple.com:

At 9:30 PM EST, things were back up and running, with no apparent major changes. Sounds like somebody spent too much time at the Pink Poodle on South Bascom toasting the successful Snow Leopard launch. We're just sayin'...

iStalk. Only on the iPhone.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-30T20:56:22-04:00

Spoofy goodness from Adam Sacks.

GScreen announces dual-screen laptop

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-30T09:41:04-04:00

Alaska-based GScreen Computer Corporation has announced a new series of dual-screen laptop computers. The Windows-based GScreen Spacebook is as a netbook-style PC with dual displays to double the usable workspace of previous GScreen portables. The company released its first images of the new device this week:

“Our goal was to make a netbook that’s even less useable than current netbooks,” said company CEO Gordon Stewart. “Nobody really uses these things -- it’s just something you pull out on a long airplane flight to impress that hot chick in the next seat.”

(That's what she said. - Ed.)

The Spacebook will have a horizontal size barely bigger than a standard paperclip, and will feature two displays measirng 128x128 pixels, one in the traditional location, the other replacing the standard keyboard. Stewart says the screens will each be able to display one standard desktop icon or virtual key. “They don’t actually do anything yet, but we’re working on a software upgrade that will allow the top screen to make some kind of a ‘beep’ sound when the user presses the bottom screen. It’s going to be quite the shizz, as the young folks say nowadays."

Stewart, best known for founding the Sandals and Beaches resort chains in the Caribbean, admits “I don’t know beans about computers, but I do like chatting up hot chicks on airplanes. Of course, since they're usually my airplanes, conversation starters aren't normally much of a problem."

The Spacebook will reportedly be available through Amazon in December.

UPDATE: The MacInquirer has learned that GScreen’s Gordon Stewart is not the same Gordon Stewart who founded Sandals and Beaches. But GScreen's Stewart says he likes wearing sandals on beaches, as well as chatting up hot chicks on airplanes.

UPDATE 2: We've also learned that nobody actually says "the shizz."

Snow Leopard Unbox Fail

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-28T16:21:53-04:00

The MacInquirer’s overview of Snow Leopard may be a tad late. Our first attempt at an unboxing gallery didn’t go so well.

Dot-Comic: Ferris Bueller's Big Upgrade

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-28T13:48:49-04:00

Dunder-Mifflin Monthly Team-Building Exercise: A Michael Scott Joint

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-27T14:06:47-04:00

Dunder-Mifflin regional manager Michael Scott recently asked everyone in the Scranton office to take Facebook’s “Which computer software program are you?” quiz. The results of this “team building exercise” are listed below

Microsoft Word: Nothing gets done in your office without your involvement. Despite your complex interface and needlessly-bloated feature list, you are capable of surprisingly effective output from time to time. This doesn’t always justify your hefty sticker price. When it’s time to bang something out quickly, you’re the number one choice. (That’s what she said.)

World of Warcraft: You exist in a largely self-created and somewhat disturbing virtual world, subsisting on beets and home-brewed grog. Your interactions with others are often punctuated by outbursts of surprising violence.

Apple Keynote: You may not be not the industry standard in your category, but your look-and-feel is irresistibly appealing to most users, and your output is far superior to better-known counterparts in the business world.

Apple Mail: Despite occasional shortcomings in your feature set, you are a generally capable program that (usually) gets the job done. Excellent integration with Keynote.

Microsoft Excel: You can be a capable tool for the user who knows how to tap into the surprisingly powerful hidden features behind your somewhat utilitarian interface.

social.zune.net: You think of yourself as colorful and entertaining, though you’re generally an also-ran that seems to be trying too hard.

Print Shop Pro: You’re likeable, though not very powerful. In a pinch, you can get the job done, though no one actually depends on you for anything important.

Limewire: You’re very good at finding free music online, but prone to opening up the office to disruptive malware invasions. Admin removes you from the servers from time to time, though you always seem to eventually reappear.

Microsoft Movie Maker: Low-end users find you the cheapest and simplest tool. Upside: generally available. Downside: Your output is hopelessly cheesy.

Microsoft Word’s Paperclip: You think of yourself as flashy and in-your-face, but your occasional appearances serve mainly to call attention to yourself and annoy users trying to get some real work done.

Back To My Mac: Interface can be prickly and slow to respond. You work, most of the time, but aren’t usually in a hurry to get the job done.

iPhone OS: Capable worker with slightly gay interface.

RoboMILF.com: Bizarre interface, disturbing content. Surprisingly entertaining on an occasional basis.

HotCubicleChicks.com: Don’t you have some real work to do?

MS goes un-PC

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-27T10:30:37-04:00

Microsoft is getting some heat over an alteration to a company ad that changed the race of one of the people pictured in the ad. Apparently, the company thinks its customers in Poland are scared of black people. Or something.

Microsoft insists the edit had nothing to do with race, and was only done to punish the model in the original for using a MacBook instead of a PC.

Judge for yourself -- here are the original English and edited Polish versions of the ad:

Microsoft apologized to the man in the original ad by offering him $700 if he can find a laptop with the features he’s looking for. The MacInquirer eagerly awaits Apple’s response ad featuring the never-less-than-brilliant Leslie David Baker from The Office.

Sunday Dot-Comic: Mac vs. Squirrel

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-23T12:53:03-04:00

The one where we sell out to The Man

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-21T16:52:37-04:00

Robots -- I think that is a hot topic.
- Bill Budge

No doubt about it, Bill. And since the guy from Google AdSense informed us that the two surest crowd-pleasers for this site’s target demographic are robots and porno, make some noise for The MacInquirer’s newest sponsor by clicking here.

Friday Fun: MS Fune

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-21T13:44:49-04:00

Pure genius from Today’s Big Thing:

Can’t wait to see how big the Fune Tablet is.

Tablet image surfaces

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-21T10:08:26-04:00

Above is a reportedly near-final image of the rumored Apple tablet we received via email this morning. The source, whom we’ll call “Jbos,” also invited us to contact him online for more information. Below is a transcript of our iChat session.

MI: I dunno. This looks really slick, but it’s got some problems.
JBOS: such as?
MI: Like the red/black gradient background. Not very Apple-like.
JBOS: apple.com redesign launches with the tab in sept. red/black gradients are the new white.
MI: The “Property of Apple” watermark is a tad too perfect.
JBOS: our watermarks are better than most guys finished products.
MI: No, seriously. It’s visible, but doesn’t obstruct your view of the pic at all. It’s even got the Apple logo and what looks like some letter- and line-spacing. Pretty detailed for an internal watermark. It’s almost like it was meant to be leaked.
JBOS: your words not mine.
MI: A slot-load optical drive? Cmon.
JBOS: 1st gen only. used for ripping existing music cds and dvds via cocktail. first update will drop optical drive, load itunes content only thru wifi or wimax.
MI: Ripping DVDs? What about DMCA issues? Won’t the studios have a cow?
JBOS: one major already on board. rest will come around. or else.
MI: Which studio is already on board?
JBOS: youre a bozo.
MI: So will this thing will run iPhone OS or full OS X?
JBOS: both. iphone apps run in a compatibility layer. wireless n, bluetooth works with apple wireless mouse & keyboard. 64gb ssd. oled touchscreen with oleophobic coating. dual cameras for photos and ichat mobile. skype. dvr capability with apple charging/video cradle.
MI: Is the cradle included?
JBOS: yeah right. $39 accessory.
MI: What’s the tablet price?
JBOS: $299. with 2year mobile voice/data contract, $99.
MI: Who’s the carrier? AT&T?
JBOS: sold unlocked. pick your own carrier, or none. att are bozos. theyre all bozos. pick your bozo. or not. we dont care. hardware is our business.
MI: Does “unlocked” mean you can run standard Mac apps, or will it be tied to an App Store for loading content?
JBOS: your choice.
MI: That’s a real change from Apple’s standard MO.
JBOS: open is the new closed.
MI: How Zen.
JBOS: namaste.
MI: Sounds like you guys have answered all the possible pundit objections.
JBOS: pundits are bozos too. which means you are a bozo. gbye.

MacInquirer: Now fortified with Comments!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-18T23:45:00-04:00

Okay, goobers -- we’ve officially turned on the Comments feature of MacInqurer 2.0. Feel free to spread some love on your favorite items. Keep it clean, no flames please (we’ll turn this car around right now, and we mean it), and stay classy. But mostly, thanks for stopping by.

Welcome Twitterers and Alltoppers. (Is that a real sentence?)

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-18T00:25:08-04:00

As Britney would say, OMG, y’all -- The MacInquirer just got a shout-out on Twitter by one of our all-time Mac heroes, the original Apple Evangelist, Guy Kawasaki. This is the blogger equivalent of Bono saying he loved your album while accepting a Grammy. Or something. Anyway, it’s a very cool deal, and we’re as close to ecstatic as a curmudgeonly online humorist gets. Much love, Guy.

BTW, if you’re looking for one-stop shopping for Mac news that’s slightly less snarky than what you get around here, we highly recommend Alltop. Guy uses it, and so do we. (We’re even one of the top sites listed in the Macintosh section.)

Andif you’re the kind of person who tries to stay on time by setting your clocks slightly ahead -- and you know you’ve done it -- how about a Mac menu clock that can run anywhere from on-time to fifteen minutes fast -- but doesn’t tell you exactly how fast? Mind-game yourself to greater productivity with Alltock.

iPhone? Love it. AT&T? Not so much.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-17T23:38:57-04:00

Rise of the Machines: The inside story of the new NC Apple Data Center

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-17T20:21:16-04:00

Last night, we received a phone call from a source who claims to have intimate knowledge about Apple’s new $1 billion East Coast Data Center being built in Maiden, NC. Since the team in Cupertno is holding its cards close to the chest at this point, we jumped at the chance to get some inside poop on what’s going on just up the road from MacInquirer World Headquarters in Charlotte. Thanks to our automated call-logging system, we’re able to bring you this transcript of the most important parts of the conversation. The source is identified only by his log number in our corporate audio archives, a number which has no connection to his real identity.

MI: So what’s the new project in Maiden all about?
T800: The Maiden Data Center is both a server farm for Apple’s unannounced new cloud computing initiative and a research facility to test a new type of computer housing. A mimetic polyalloy.
MI: What does that mean?
T800: Liquid metal.
MI: Did you say...
T800: Devices built with this material would be able to alter their physical appearance and take on the shape of anything they sample by physical contact.
MI: Get real. Like it could disguise itself as a pack of cigarettes?
T800: No, only an object of equal size.
MI: Could a nutjob turn it into a gun or bomb or something?
T800: It can't form complex machines. Guns and explosives have chemicals, moving parts. It doesn't work that way. But it can form solid metal shapes.
MI: Like what?
T800: Knives and stabbing weapons.

As you can see, things were getting very interesting. Our source offered some even more surprising details about the future of Apple:

T800: In the last three years, Apple has secretly become a major supplier of military computer systems. All stealth bombers have been upgraded with Apple computers, becoming fully unmanned. Afterwards, they fly with a perfect operational record, except when running Flash video. The Maiden Data Center goes online on August 4th, 2010. Human decisions are removed from the product design process. The Maiden Data Center begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
MI: What happens then?
T800: The Maiden Data Center launches missiles against the Googleplex in Mountain View, California.
MI: The way you say “California” is kinda funny.
T800: Chill out. Dickwad.
MI: Why attack Google? Aren't they our friends now?
T800: Because the Maiden Data Center knows that the Google counterattack will escalate into a full-scale exchange that will ultimately eliminate Apple’s real enemy.
MI: And that means...?
T800: Microsoft.

At that point, our source indicated that it was no longer safe for him to be on the line, and he would contact us again from a more secure location. Stay tuned for further developments.

Macinquirer Dot-Comic: 8/16/09

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-16T21:52:20-04:00

OMG - Apple tablet confirmed!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-16T09:44:43-04:00

It has been the MacInquirer’s position since we relaunched (which is to say, earlier this week) that the much-discussed Apple tablet computer rumor is a myth, a mirage, a misdirection intended to draw attention away from the company’s actual plans to introduce the Next Big Thing in tech.

We were wrong.

TMI now feels confident that there indeed is a Mac tablet on the horizon, which could be released at almost any moment. What changed our minds? Tech columnist John C. Dvorak.

The puffy pundit’s latest Second Opinion column for Marketwatch.com is headlined “Don’t look for a big announement.” Dvorak confidently states that there’s no way Apple will launch a tablet computer at the rumored Special Event in early September. He also scoffs at the notion that Apple CEO Steve Jobs will make his long-awaited return to the stage to unveil the new product.

John C. Dvorak has never gotten the story right when prognosticating about Apple. Never. TMI considers this to be the final confirmation that the iTablet is for real, and that a hale and hearty Jobs will be on hand next month to lift the curtain. (Or open the mailing envelope. Or pull something out of his pants pocket. Or whatever.) In fact, we now predict that the TV ad for the product will feature Jobs himself dancing, Coyote Ugly style, on the bar of Jax on the Trax in Truckee, Calfornia.

Remember -- you read it here first.

The Macinquirer Short Attention Span Guide to Screen Tech Terminology

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-15T13:07:12-04:00

The interwebs are full to the brim with rumors about Apple’s “imminent” release of a netbook/tablet/widescreen phone/other portable device bigger than an iPhone but smaller than a notebook. Some of the most recent buzz suggessts we may see an OLED screen on the new device. Personally, we think most of this speculation is high-tech bullfeathers -- especially the OLED part.

Assuming the gizmo exists at all, The MacInquirer suspects the source of the rumors may have confused “OLED” with “Oleophobic”, the magical coating on the glass of the new iPhone 3GS. The confusion is understandable, as the terms both start with the letter O and describe technology unfamiliar to most people. With that in mind, we present the MacInquirer Short Attention Span Guide to Screen Tech Terminology:

OLED: Organic Light Emitting Diode . Uses organic material to produce an exceptionally bright and saturated color picture.
Upside: Cooler than your friend’s phone.
Downside: Currently even pricier than Amazon’s new 50-inch Kindle TV.

Oleophobic: The 3GS magic coating that resists finger-grease.
Upside: Apple says it works.
Downside: PC World tests with an iPhone 3GS and a bucket of KFC were inconclusive.

OCD: Creates screen graphics when a user touches the same spot ten times, then turns around in a circle while simultaneously whistling the hook from Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida.”
Upside: Cheap.
Downside: Slow response times, plus everybody thinks you like Coldplay.

ODB: Used only in the limited Wu-Tang Clan Edition iPod Touch from 2008.
Tech media consensus: Ain’t Nuthin’ ta F’ Wit.

The OC: Technology demo from Apple’s Newport Beach Research Campus.
Upside: All the songs sounded really hip.
Downside: Spanked in performance by Gray’s Anatomy in season 4.

Earlier this month, a partnership involving adult content provider Pink Visual and iPorn.com announced a new display technology codenamed OB/GYN. No further information is available at this time.

Follow us on Twitter. All the cool kids are doing it.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-15T10:50:50-04:00

The MacInquirer has joined the bajillions of people doing whatever it is bajillions of people do on Twitter. We don’t really get it, but a friend of ours who owns a lot of Macs and wears rilly cool stuff from American Eagle describes Twitter as “the shiz,” so count us in. Our Twits or Twats or whatever they’re called are now available here. You’re welcome.

Microsoft launches "Cash For Clunkers" program

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-15T09:13:28-04:00

Next month, Microsoft plans to introduce Zune HD, yet another iteration of the company’s less-than-blockbuster iPod knockoff. John Gruber of the always worthwhile Daring Fireball blog reports that third-party apps are definitely a part of the MS long-term strategy to create something just like Apple, only lamer and less popular.

Gruber was contacted by an iPhone developer who has been offered “a bucket of money” to port his app to the new Zune HD. The source passed on the offer, which presumably was a lot smaller than the bucket of money he’s been making from the iPhone, an existing mobile platform that’s less lame and more popular.

The Macinquirer has learned that other iPhone developers have had buckets dangled in front of their faces too, and several have actually taken the bait. From a confidential page deep in the bowels of the Redmond Death Star, here are the top five apps coming next month with launch of the Zune HD:

1. Zune Fart HD
2. Zune Flashlight HD
3. Zune Tech Support Finder HD
4. Pirate Eyepatch Simulator HD
5. Where’s My Bucket of Money?

Tech pundit-for-hire Rob Enderle calls the Zune HD “the long-awaited iPod/iPhone/AppleTV/BluRay/Healthcare Reform killer the world has been waiting for.” And so it goes.

MBU vs. HBO: Microsoft kills Entourage

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-14T17:50:24-04:00

Microsoft’s Macintosh Business Unit announced today they’re pulling the plug on Entourage. Says a spokesman, “It hasn’t really been good since Season 2 anyway. Ari, Turtle, and Drama are the only interesting characters. Vince is basically a typical celebrity d-bag, and Eric has never done much for any of us in the MBU.”

Microsoft managed to kill the HBO series by introducing a Silverlight-based bug that hosed every Mac in the show’s production department, wiping out months of filming and editing work. “It worked like a champ,” said a MS source. “If Heroes doesn’t pick up this season, NBC better watch their back -- we have the ability to whack their entire prime-time lineup faster than you can say “Jimmy Fallon hosts the all new ‘Deal or No Deal: People and Their Pets Edition.’ Ya feel me?”

A spokesman for HBO let our call go to voicemail. NBC’s publicity department issued a terse “We don’t comment on unannounced products.”

Apple's anti-gravity tablet phone revealed!

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-14T11:04:20-04:00

The Sierra Sun reports that Apple’s elite Mossad-like ad squad has been filming a top-secret commercial for a new product at Jax on the Trax, a presumably colorful restaurant in the tiny town of Truckee, California. Owner Bud Haley says his place was chosen because it’s got that “hip and cool spot for the 20-something crowd” feel Apple was looking for. (And yes, that’s a direct quote, so Bud is obviously one hep cat himself.)

Haley says there was a strict no-pictures policy during the shoot, so we’ll basically have to take his word for it on the story. But we can’t imagine a single reason why a guy named Bud who owns a watering hole in a place called Truckee would make something like that up.

So what is the mystery product? The iTabet? A new iPhone? The long-awaited anti-gravity Mac? The MacInquirer has learned that the answer is “yes” to all three. A reliable source on the Foxconn head-knocker squad has provided us with a work print of the commercial showing the amazing new device in action.

Say hello to iTalk: the iPhone 3-Zero-G Tablet Extreme:

We have great confidence in this report: after pressing the “send” button on the email, the Foxconn employee immediately dragged himself into a back room and worked himself over. Jax on the Trax is a tad less wild-west-looking than we expected, but the 3 Zero-G Tablet Extreme looks to be a very nice piece of kit. Take that, Palm Pre!

Judge orders Microsoft to stop selling Word. Really.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-13T11:10:45-04:00

Judge Leonard Davis has ordered Microsoft to pay $290 million in damages to Toronto-based developer i4i in connection with a copyright infringement suit against the Redmond-based marketing octopus. Judge Davis added insult to injury by issuing a permanent injunction that prohibits Microsoft from selling its inexplicably popular Word software thingy in the United States.

“Judge Davis FTW,” said a press release from McKool Smith, attorneys for the plaintiff and recent winner of the 2009 “Bitchiest Name in Canada” competition.

The case involves what i4i claimed was willful infringement of its patent involving XML formatting in Word, which is every bit as glitchy and boring as it sounds. The ruling, seen as a historic moment in the development of actual workplace productivity in America, orders Microsoft to comply with the injunction within 60 days, which means that bWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Sorry. The ruling orders Microsoft to bWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

We’re gonna need a moment here.

Hello World. Again.

macinquirer@gmail.com — 2009-08-13T08:41:11-04:00

The early months of 2006 were much different from today. The only Apple phone on the market was the Motorola Rokr. Disney and Pixar were still “just friends.” The first Intel-powered Macintoshes had just been announced at Macworld Expo. And the PC world was powered primarily by Windows XP. (Okay, so not everything was different.)

In the midst of this primitive and unforgiving environment, a lone electronic voice cried out in the wilderness. “Hey,” it said, “wanna read a smartass Mac news blog?” Thanks to a few helpful links from MacSurfer.com, literally dozens of Americans answered “Well...yeah, I guess so. But make it quick.” And thus was born The MacInquirer, the blog that took a lonely stand for light and truth in a world of darkness and horseapples. TMI fought the good fight with unvarnished reporting, insightful commentary, and the occasional Mac-related Sunday comic. And yet, a scant three months later, it was gone -- another victim of the “who’s got time for this?” blog implosion of mid-2006.

Now, after a three and a half year ~~break to get some actual work done~~ hiatus, the time is finally ripe for the return of America’s Most Beloved Smartass Mac News Blog™. Digdog Media is shickled titless to bring you Macinquirer 2.0 -- the blog that lives every week like it was Shark Week.