Aug 2009

Apple Store down, then up again

08/31/09 23:40

8:41 pm to 9:03 pm: Tonight's odd "the Apple Store is down" message greeting visitors at store.apple.com:

Pasted Graphic

You'd think they could take care of this kind of stuff on their own time. Plus...Staples?

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Top 5 Weirdest Features on Facebook

08/31/09 22:57

Five things about Facebook that the MacInquirer just don't quite understand:

The Poke. Seriously, WTF?

That “pop” sound when stalkers send you an IM.

Bizarre icons: Who puts a picture of romanesco broccoli on a birthday greeting?

Virtual gifts: The other day, someone named Peter Gozinya sent us a free ride in an unmarked panel van with no windows. That sport drink in his cooler tasted funny, too.

The “Which Manson Family Victim Are You?” quiz. (We've always thought of ourselves as the Wojciech Frykowski type, but apparently, we're coffee heiress Abigail Folger.)

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OMG -- it's the Apple-ocalypse!

08/31/09 21:37

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
- Han Solo

John C. Dvorak, whose punditry is roughly as accurate as the original lens on the Hubble Space Telescope, has given Apple his dreaded vote of confidence in his latest column at marketwatch.com. The money quote:

“Apple Inc. seems to be the only tech stock with the kind of support that can take it back to precrisis prices with little effort. If Steve Jobs can stay alive and finish the currently rumored notepad computer, I see no reason why the stock can't get to $200 or higher.”

The fact that Dvorak is the one making these predictions means several things:

- The rumored Mac tablet will never be finished.
- Within 12 months, the Palm Pre will become the number one mobile phone in the world.
- The Beatles will bypass iTunes and make their long-awaited downloadable debut exclusively on the Zune HD.
- Apple will experience a selloff of at at least 40 percent.
- Steve Jobs is not long for this world.

This is extremely bad news. And on a Monday, no less.

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Apple Store hung over?

08/30/09 21:33

At 9:15 PM EST, this message appeared at store.apple.com:

applestoredown2

At 9:30 PM EST, things were back up and running, with no apparent major changes. Sounds like somebody spent too much time at the Pink Poodle on South Bascom toasting the successful Snow Leopard launch. We're just sayin'...

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iStalk. Only on the iPhone.

08/30/09 20:56

Spoofy goodness from Adam Sacks.

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GScreen announces dual-screen laptop

08/30/09 09:41

Alaska-based GScreen Computer Corporation has announced a new series of dual-screen laptop computers. The Windows-based GScreen Spacebook is as a netbook-style PC with dual displays to double the usable workspace of previous GScreen portables. The company released its first images of the new device this week:

tinylaptop

“Our goal was to make a netbook that’s even less useable than current netbooks,” said company CEO Gordon Stewart. “Nobody really uses these things -- it’s just something you pull out on a long airplane flight to impress that hot chick in the next seat.”

(That's what she said. - Ed.)

The Spacebook will have a horizontal size barely bigger than a standard paperclip, and will feature two displays measirng 128x128 pixels, one in the traditional location, the other replacing the standard keyboard. Stewart says the screens will each be able to display one standard desktop icon or virtual key. “They don’t actually do anything yet, but we’re working on a software upgrade that will allow the top screen to make some kind of a ‘beep’ sound when the user presses the bottom screen. It’s going to be quite the shizz, as the young folks say nowadays."

Stewart, best known for founding the Sandals and Beaches resort chains in the Caribbean, admits “I don’t know beans about computers, but I do like chatting up hot chicks on airplanes. Of course, since they're usually my airplanes, conversation starters aren't normally much of a problem."

The Spacebook will reportedly be available through Amazon in December.

UPDATE: The MacInquirer has learned that GScreen’s Gordon Stewart is not the same Gordon Stewart who founded Sandals and Beaches. But GScreen's Stewart says he likes wearing sandals on beaches, as well as chatting up hot chicks on airplanes.

UPDATE 2: We've also learned that nobody actually says "the shizz."

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Snow Leopard Unbox Fail

08/28/09 16:21

The MacInquirer’s overview of Snow Leopard may be a tad late. Our first attempt at an unboxing gallery didn’t go so well.

unboxfail1

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Dot-Comic: Ferris Bueller's Big Upgrade

08/28/09 13:48

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Dunder-Mifflin Monthly Team-Building Exercise: A Michael Scott Joint

08/27/09 14:06

Dunder-Mifflin regional manager Michael Scott recently asked everyone in the Scranton office to take Facebook’s “Which computer software program are you?” quiz. The results of this “team building exercise” are listed below

michael

Microsoft Word: Nothing gets done in your office without your involvement. Despite your complex interface and needlessly-bloated feature list, you are capable of surprisingly effective output from time to time. This doesn’t always justify your hefty sticker price. When it’s time to bang something out quickly, you’re the number one choice. (That’s what she said.)

dwight

World of Warcraft: You exist in a largely self-created and somewhat disturbing virtual world, subsisting on beets and home-brewed grog. Your interactions with others are often punctuated by outbursts of surprising violence.

pam

Apple Keynote: You may not be not the industry standard in your category, but your look-and-feel is irresistibly appealing to most users, and your output is far superior to better-known counterparts in the business world.

jim

Apple Mail: Despite occasional shortcomings in your feature set, you are a generally capable program that (usually) gets the job done. Excellent integration with Keynote.

angela

Microsoft Excel: You can be a capable tool for the user who knows how to tap into the surprisingly powerful hidden features behind your somewhat utilitarian interface.

andy

social.zune.net: You think of yourself as colorful and entertaining, though you’re generally an also-ran that seems to be trying too hard.

phyllis

Print Shop Pro: You’re likeable, though not very powerful. In a pinch, you can get the job done, though no one actually depends on you for anything important.

ryan

Limewire: You’re very good at finding free music online, but prone to opening up the office to disruptive malware invasions. Admin removes you from the servers from time to time, though you always seem to eventually reappear.

meredith

Microsoft Movie Maker: Low-end users find you the cheapest and simplest tool. Upside: generally available. Downside: Your output is hopelessly cheesy.

kelly

Microsoft Word’s Paperclip: You think of yourself as flashy and in-your-face, but your occasional appearances serve mainly to call attention to yourself and annoy users trying to get some real work done.

stanley

Back To My Mac: Interface can be prickly and slow to respond. You work, most of the time, but aren’t usually in a hurry to get the job done.

oscar

iPhone OS: Capable worker with slightly gay interface.

creed

RoboMILF.com: Bizarre interface, disturbing content. Surprisingly entertaining on an occasional basis.

kevin

HotCubicleChicks.com: Don’t you have some real work to do?

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MS goes un-PC

08/27/09 10:30

Microsoft is getting some heat over an alteration to a company ad that changed the race of one of the people pictured in the ad. Apparently, the company thinks its customers in Poland are scared of black people. Or something.

Microsoft insists the edit had nothing to do with race, and was only done to punish the model in the original for using a MacBook instead of a PC.

Judge for yourself -- here are the original English and edited Polish versions of the ad:

125138339802050058244301

Microsoft apologized to the man in the original ad by offering him $700 if he can find a laptop with the features he’s looking for. The MacInquirer eagerly awaits Apple’s response ad featuring the never-less-than-brilliant Leslie David Baker from The Office.

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Sunday Dot-Comic: Mac vs. Squirrel

08/23/09 12:53

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The one where we sell out to The Man

08/21/09 16:52

Robots -- I think that is a hot topic.
- Bill Budge

No doubt about it, Bill. And since the guy from Google AdSense informed us that the two surest crowd-pleasers for this site’s target demographic are robots and porno, make some noise for The MacInquirer’s newest sponsor by clicking here.

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Friday Fun: MS Fune

08/21/09 13:44

Pure genius from Today’s Big Thing:

Can’t wait to see how big the Fune Tablet is.

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Tablet image surfaces

08/21/09 10:08

Above is a reportedly near-final image of the rumored Apple tablet we received via email this morning. The source, whom we’ll call “Jbos,” also invited us to contact him online for more information. Below is a transcript of our iChat session.

MI: I dunno. This looks really slick, but it’s got some problems.
JBOS: such as?
MI: Like the red/black gradient background. Not very Apple-like.
JBOS: apple.com redesign launches with the tab in sept. red/black gradients are the new white.
MI: The “Property of Apple” watermark is a tad too perfect.
JBOS: our watermarks are better than most guys finished products.
MI: No, seriously. It’s visible, but doesn’t obstruct your view of the pic at all. It’s even got the Apple logo and what looks like some letter- and line-spacing. Pretty detailed for an internal watermark. It’s almost like it was meant to be leaked.
JBOS: your words not mine.
MI: A slot-load optical drive? Cmon.
JBOS: 1st gen only. used for ripping existing music cds and dvds via cocktail. first update will drop optical drive, load itunes content only thru wifi or wimax.
MI: Ripping DVDs? What about DMCA issues? Won’t the studios have a cow?
JBOS: one major already on board. rest will come around. or else.
MI: Which studio is already on board?
JBOS: youre a bozo.
MI: So will this thing will run iPhone OS or full OS X?
JBOS: both. iphone apps run in a compatibility layer. wireless n, bluetooth works with apple wireless mouse & keyboard. 64gb ssd. oled touchscreen with oleophobic coating. dual cameras for photos and ichat mobile. skype. dvr capability with apple charging/video cradle.
MI: Is the cradle included?
JBOS: yeah right. $39 accessory.
MI: What’s the tablet price?
JBOS: $299. with 2year mobile voice/data contract, $99.
MI: Who’s the carrier? AT&T?
JBOS: sold unlocked. pick your own carrier, or none. att are bozos. theyre all bozos. pick your bozo. or not. we dont care. hardware is our business.
MI: Does “unlocked” mean you can run standard Mac apps, or will it be tied to an App Store for loading content?
JBOS: your choice.
MI: That’s a real change from Apple’s standard MO.
JBOS: open is the new closed.
MI: How Zen.
JBOS: namaste.
MI: Sounds like you guys have answered all the possible pundit objections.
JBOS: pundits are bozos too. which means you are a bozo. gbye.

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MacInquirer: Now fortified with Comments!

08/18/09 23:45

Okay, goobers -- we’ve officially turned on the Comments feature of MacInqurer 2.0. Feel free to spread some love on your favorite items. Keep it clean, no flames please (we’ll turn this car around right now, and we mean it), and stay classy. But mostly, thanks for stopping by.

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Welcome Twitterers and Alltoppers. (Is that a real sentence?)

08/18/09 00:25

As Britney would say, OMG, y’all -- The MacInquirer just got a shout-out on Twitter by one of our all-time Mac heroes, the original Apple Evangelist, Guy Kawasaki. This is the blogger equivalent of Bono saying he loved your album while accepting a Grammy. Or something. Anyway, it’s a very cool deal, and we’re as close to ecstatic as a curmudgeonly online humorist gets. Much love, Guy.

BTW, if you’re looking for one-stop shopping for Mac news that’s slightly less snarky than what you get around here, we highly recommend Alltop. Guy uses it, and so do we. (We’re even one of the top sites listed in the Macintosh section.)

Andif you’re the kind of person who tries to stay on time by setting your clocks slightly ahead -- and you know you’ve done it -- how about a Mac menu clock that can run anywhere from on-time to fifteen minutes fast -- but doesn’t tell you exactly how fast? Mind-game yourself to greater productivity with Alltock.

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iPhone? Love it. AT&T? Not so much.

08/17/09 23:38

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Rise of the Machines: The inside story of the new NC Apple Data Center

08/17/09 20:21

Last night, we received a phone call from a source who claims to have intimate knowledge about Apple’s new $1 billion East Coast Data Center being built in Maiden, NC. Since the team in Cupertno is holding its cards close to the chest at this point, we jumped at the chance to get some inside poop on what’s going on just up the road from MacInquirer World Headquarters in Charlotte. Thanks to our automated call-logging system, we’re able to bring you this transcript of the most important parts of the conversation. The source is identified only by his log number in our corporate audio archives, a number which has no connection to his real identity.

MI: So what’s the new project in Maiden all about?
T800: The Maiden Data Center is both a server farm for Apple’s unannounced new cloud computing initiative and a research facility to test a new type of computer housing. A mimetic polyalloy.
MI: What does that mean?
T800: Liquid metal.
MI: Did you say...
T800: Devices built with this material would be able to alter their physical appearance and take on the shape of anything they sample by physical contact.
MI: Get real. Like it could disguise itself as a pack of cigarettes?
T800: No, only an object of equal size.
MI: Could a nutjob turn it into a gun or bomb or something?
T800: It can't form complex machines. Guns and explosives have chemicals, moving parts. It doesn't work that way. But it can form solid metal shapes.
MI: Like what?
T800: Knives and stabbing weapons.

As you can see, things were getting very interesting. Our source offered some even more surprising details about the future of Apple:

T800: In the last three years, Apple has secretly become a major supplier of military computer systems. All stealth bombers have been upgraded with Apple computers, becoming fully unmanned. Afterwards, they fly with a perfect operational record, except when running Flash video. The Maiden Data Center goes online on August 4th, 2010. Human decisions are removed from the product design process. The Maiden Data Center begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
MI: What happens then?
T800: The Maiden Data Center launches missiles against the Googleplex in Mountain View, California.
MI: The way you say “California” is kinda funny.
T800: Chill out. Dickwad.
MI: Why attack Google? Aren't they our friends now?
T800: Because the Maiden Data Center knows that the Google counterattack will escalate into a full-scale exchange that will ultimately eliminate Apple’s real enemy.
MI: And that means...?
T800: Microsoft.

At that point, our source indicated that it was no longer safe for him to be on the line, and he would contact us again from a more secure location. Stay tuned for further developments.

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Macinquirer Dot-Comic: 8/16/09

08/16/09 21:52

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OMG - Apple tablet confirmed!

08/16/09 09:44

It has been the MacInquirer’s position since we relaunched (which is to say, earlier this week) that the much-discussed Apple tablet computer rumor is a myth, a mirage, a misdirection intended to draw attention away from the company’s actual plans to introduce the Next Big Thing in tech.

We were wrong.

TMI now feels confident that there indeed is a Mac tablet on the horizon, which could be released at almost any moment. What changed our minds? Tech columnist John C. Dvorak.

The puffy pundit’s latest Second Opinion column for Marketwatch.com is headlined “Don’t look for a big announement.” Dvorak confidently states that there’s no way Apple will launch a tablet computer at the rumored Special Event in early September. He also scoffs at the notion that Apple CEO Steve Jobs will make his long-awaited return to the stage to unveil the new product.

John C. Dvorak has never gotten the story right when prognosticating about Apple. Never. TMI considers this to be the final confirmation that the iTablet is for real, and that a hale and hearty Jobs will be on hand next month to lift the curtain. (Or open the mailing envelope. Or pull something out of his pants pocket. Or whatever.) In fact, we now predict that the TV ad for the product will feature Jobs himself dancing, Coyote Ugly style, on the bar of Jax on the Trax in Truckee, Calfornia.

Remember -- you read it here first.

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The Macinquirer Short Attention Span Guide to Screen Tech Terminology

08/15/09 13:07

The interwebs are full to the brim with rumors about Apple’s “imminent” release of a netbook/tablet/widescreen phone/other portable device bigger than an iPhone but smaller than a notebook. Some of the most recent buzz suggessts we may see an OLED screen on the new device. Personally, we think most of this speculation is high-tech bullfeathers -- especially the OLED part.

Assuming the gizmo exists at all, The MacInquirer suspects the source of the rumors may have confused “OLED” with “Oleophobic”, the magical coating on the glass of the new iPhone 3GS. The confusion is understandable, as the terms both start with the letter O and describe technology unfamiliar to most people. With that in mind, we present the MacInquirer Short Attention Span Guide to Screen Tech Terminology:

OLED: Organic Light Emitting Diode . Uses organic material to produce an exceptionally bright and saturated color picture.
Upside: Cooler than your friend’s phone.
Downside: Currently even pricier than Amazon’s new 50-inch Kindle TV.

Oleophobic: The 3GS magic coating that resists finger-grease.
Upside: Apple says it works.
Downside: PC World tests with an iPhone 3GS and a bucket of KFC were inconclusive.

OCD: Creates screen graphics when a user touches the same spot ten times, then turns around in a circle while simultaneously whistling the hook from Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida.”
Upside: Cheap.
Downside: Slow response times, plus everybody thinks you like Coldplay.

ODB: Used only in the limited Wu-Tang Clan Edition iPod Touch from 2008.
Tech media consensus: Ain’t Nuthin’ ta F’ Wit.

The OC: Technology demo from Apple’s Newport Beach Research Campus.
Upside: All the songs sounded really hip.
Downside: Spanked in performance by Gray’s Anatomy in season 4.

Earlier this month, a partnership involving adult content provider Pink Visual and iPorn.com announced a new display technology codenamed OB/GYN. No further information is available at this time.

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Follow us on Twitter. All the cool kids are doing it.

08/15/09 10:50

The MacInquirer has joined the bajillions of people doing whatever it is bajillions of people do on Twitter. We don’t really get it, but a friend of ours who owns a lot of Macs and wears rilly cool stuff from American Eagle describes Twitter as “the shiz,” so count us in. Our Twits or Twats or whatever they’re called are now available here. You’re welcome.

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Microsoft launches "Cash For Clunkers" program

08/15/09 09:13

Next month, Microsoft plans to introduce Zune HD, yet another iteration of the company’s less-than-blockbuster iPod knockoff. John Gruber of the always worthwhile Daring Fireball blog reports that third-party apps are definitely a part of the MS long-term strategy to create something just like Apple, only lamer and less popular.

Gruber was contacted by an iPhone developer who has been offered “a bucket of money” to port his app to the new Zune HD. The source passed on the offer, which presumably was a lot smaller than the bucket of money he’s been making from the iPhone, an existing mobile platform that’s less lame and more popular.

The Macinquirer has learned that other iPhone developers have had buckets dangled in front of their faces too, and several have actually taken the bait. From a confidential page deep in the bowels of the Redmond Death Star, here are the top five apps coming next month with launch of the Zune HD:

1. Zune Fart HD
2. Zune Flashlight HD
3. Zune Tech Support Finder HD
4. Pirate Eyepatch Simulator HD
5. Where’s My Bucket of Money?

Tech pundit-for-hire Rob Enderle calls the Zune HD “the long-awaited iPod/iPhone/AppleTV/BluRay/Healthcare Reform killer the world has been waiting for.” And so it goes.

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MBU vs. HBO: Microsoft kills Entourage

08/14/09 17:50

Microsoft’s Macintosh Business Unit announced today they’re pulling the plug on Entourage. Says a spokesman, “It hasn’t really been good since Season 2 anyway. Ari, Turtle, and Drama are the only interesting characters. Vince is basically a typical celebrity d-bag, and Eric has never done much for any of us in the MBU.”

Microsoft managed to kill the HBO series by introducing a Silverlight-based bug that hosed every Mac in the show’s production department, wiping out months of filming and editing work. “It worked like a champ,” said a MS source. “If Heroes doesn’t pick up this season, NBC better watch their back -- we have the ability to whack their entire prime-time lineup faster than you can say “Jimmy Fallon hosts the all new ‘Deal or No Deal: People and Their Pets Edition.’ Ya feel me?”

A spokesman for HBO let our call go to voicemail. NBC’s publicity department issued a terse “We don’t comment on unannounced products.”

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Apple's anti-gravity tablet phone revealed!

08/14/09 11:04

The Sierra Sun reports that Apple’s elite Mossad-like ad squad has been filming a top-secret commercial for a new product at Jax on the Trax, a presumably colorful restaurant in the tiny town of Truckee, California. Owner Bud Haley says his place was chosen because it’s got that “hip and cool spot for the 20-something crowd” feel Apple was looking for. (And yes, that’s a direct quote, so Bud is obviously one hep cat himself.)

Haley says there was a strict no-pictures policy during the shoot, so we’ll basically have to take his word for it on the story. But we can’t imagine a single reason why a guy named Bud who owns a watering hole in a place called Truckee would make something like that up.

So what is the mystery product? The iTabet? A new iPhone? The long-awaited anti-gravity Mac? The MacInquirer has learned that the answer is “yes” to all three. A reliable source on the Foxconn head-knocker squad has provided us with a work print of the commercial showing the amazing new device in action.

Say hello to iTalk: the iPhone 3-Zero-G Tablet Extreme:

We have great confidence in this report: after pressing the “send” button on the email, the Foxconn employee immediately dragged himself into a back room and worked himself over. Jax on the Trax is a tad less wild-west-looking than we expected, but the 3 Zero-G Tablet Extreme looks to be a very nice piece of kit. Take that, Palm Pre!

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Judge orders Microsoft to stop selling Word. Really.

08/13/09 11:10

Judge Leonard Davis has ordered Microsoft to pay $290 million in damages to Toronto-based developer i4i in connection with a copyright infringement suit against the Redmond-based marketing octopus. Judge Davis added insult to injury by issuing a permanent injunction that prohibits Microsoft from selling its inexplicably popular Word software thingy in the United States.

“Judge Davis FTW,” said a press release from McKool Smith, attorneys for the plaintiff and recent winner of the 2009 “Bitchiest Name in Canada” competition.

The case involves what i4i claimed was willful infringement of its patent involving XML formatting in Word, which is every bit as glitchy and boring as it sounds. The ruling, seen as a historic moment in the development of actual workplace productivity in America, orders Microsoft to comply with the injunction within 60 days, which means that bWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Sorry. The ruling orders Microsoft to bWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

We’re gonna need a moment here.

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Hello World. Again.

08/13/09 08:41

The early months of 2006 were much different from today. The only Apple phone on the market was the Motorola Rokr. Disney and Pixar were still “just friends.” The first Intel-powered Macintoshes had just been announced at Macworld Expo. And the PC world was powered primarily by Windows XP. (Okay, so not everything was different.)

In the midst of this primitive and unforgiving environment, a lone electronic voice cried out in the wilderness. “Hey,” it said, “wanna read a smartass Mac news blog?” Thanks to a few helpful links from MacSurfer.com, literally dozens of Americans answered “Well...yeah, I guess so. But make it quick.” And thus was born The MacInquirer, the blog that took a lonely stand for light and truth in a world of darkness and horseapples. TMI fought the good fight with unvarnished reporting, insightful commentary, and the occasional Mac-related Sunday comic. And yet, a scant three months later, it was gone -- another victim of the “who’s got time for this?” blog implosion of mid-2006.

Now, after a three and a half year ~~break to get some actual work done~~ hiatus, the time is finally ripe for the return of America’s Most Beloved Smartass Mac News Blog™. Digdog Media is shickled titless to bring you Macinquirer 2.0 -- the blog that lives every week like it was Shark Week.

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