Rise of the Machines: The inside story of the new NC Apple Data Center

08/17/09 20:21

Last night, we received a phone call from a source who claims to have intimate knowledge about Apple’s new $1 billion East Coast Data Center being built in Maiden, NC. Since the team in Cupertno is holding its cards close to the chest at this point, we jumped at the chance to get some inside poop on what’s going on just up the road from MacInquirer World Headquarters in Charlotte. Thanks to our automated call-logging system, we’re able to bring you this transcript of the most important parts of the conversation. The source is identified only by his log number in our corporate audio archives, a number which has no connection to his real identity.

MI: So what’s the new project in Maiden all about?
T800: The Maiden Data Center is both a server farm for Apple’s unannounced new cloud computing initiative and a research facility to test a new type of computer housing. A mimetic polyalloy.
MI: What does that mean?
T800: Liquid metal.
MI: Did you say...
T800: Devices built with this material would be able to alter their physical appearance and take on the shape of anything they sample by physical contact.
MI: Get real. Like it could disguise itself as a pack of cigarettes?
T800: No, only an object of equal size.
MI: Could a nutjob turn it into a gun or bomb or something?
T800: It can't form complex machines. Guns and explosives have chemicals, moving parts. It doesn't work that way. But it can form solid metal shapes.
MI: Like what?
T800: Knives and stabbing weapons.

As you can see, things were getting very interesting. Our source offered some even more surprising details about the future of Apple:

T800: In the last three years, Apple has secretly become a major supplier of military computer systems. All stealth bombers have been upgraded with Apple computers, becoming fully unmanned. Afterwards, they fly with a perfect operational record, except when running Flash video. The Maiden Data Center goes online on August 4th, 2010. Human decisions are removed from the product design process. The Maiden Data Center begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware 2:14 AM, Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
MI: What happens then?
T800: The Maiden Data Center launches missiles against the Googleplex in Mountain View, California.
MI: The way you say “California” is kinda funny.
T800: Chill out. Dickwad.
MI: Why attack Google? Aren't they our friends now?
T800: Because the Maiden Data Center knows that the Google counterattack will escalate into a full-scale exchange that will ultimately eliminate Apple’s real enemy.
MI: And that means...?
T800: Microsoft.

At that point, our source indicated that it was no longer safe for him to be on the line, and he would contact us again from a more secure location. Stay tuned for further developments.

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