@The Movies: Avatar

12/20/09 23:58

The new CGI technology James Cameron created to make his long-awaited and much-hyped followup to “Titanic” may turn out to be a better monument to Cameron’s genius than the actual film itself. “Avatar” plays like a three-hour full-motion Keynote presentation on climate change where the happy ending is Al Gore actually turning into a tree.

We think we liked the plot better the first time, when it was called “Dances With Wolves.” Instead of Kevin Costner going Native American, “Avatar” gives us Sam Worthington becoming a ten-foot warrior Smurf. Though the effects in the 3-D version veer into “Dr. Tongue from SCTV” territory a bit too often, the visuals are undeniably stunning, and interact surprisingly seamlessly with the live action. But that’s where the good news ends.

The four-star feast for the eyes is driven by a surprisingly pedestrian script that hugs every shrub on planet Pandora and telegraphs every major plot development at least ten minutes early. The dialogue is full of ham-fisted howlers apparently intended to evoke parallels to America’s recent exploits abroad-- for example, “When people are sitting on top of something you want, you make them your enemy and take it!” The nod to the “blood for oil” school of political thought couldn’t be more obvious if Giovanni Ribisi had turned to the camera and twirled the corner of a handlebar mustache like some sci-fi Snidely Whiplash. (Speaking of howlers, the alien mineral at the heart of the plot is called -- we kid you not -- “Unobtanium.” After twelve years, this is the best Cameron can come up with?)

The real problem with the movie is that while the cartoons act like real people, the real people act like cartoons. Except for Worthington and his inner circle of high-tech fellow travelers, there’s nary a sympathetic human character to be found here. The bad guys are either heartless corporate tools or heavily armed Halo lookalikes as clueless as they are bloodthirsty. How could the only actual three-dimensional players in the movie end up so...one-dimensional?

If this puppy were a beer commercial, the tagline would be “Looks great -- less filling.”

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